:: Friday, February 28, 2003 ::
Good Luck to Phrygiana!
Good luck, P! We'll all be thinking of you this weekend!
I'm tipsy and just checking in. And now I'm checking out. LOL
Love you!
J
:: happy hour begins at 11:28 PM [+] ::
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A Solution to the Terri Problem
Courtesy of the husband: dress Terri up like a bunny and we'll loose our three beagles on her ass.
:: happy hour begins at 5:56 PM [+] ::
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Playing Dress-Up
Hello again! Now that the summery island non-Hawaiian-flowery shirt is gone I'm feeling much more like myself. Thank God! In a bit I'll be donning my party pumps for a night out with friends, which brings me, as always, back to Simon.
Thanks to the ever-vigilant JackieLynn we now know a little bit more about our fair hero's fashion difficulties; click here to read the article. The upshot is, Simon gets "intimidated" at glam events and refuses to compete with the fashionistas. He even says he "embarrasses easily".
I've said it all along here, folks; this poor child is as insecure as they come. What a tragedy for us that he won't dress it up a bit. Not that we don't ADORE those tight little T's, but how much more time would we spend unconscious if he'd wear a suit once in a while? Think back to the AI finale; how coherent were YOU in the aftermath of that Armani-clad vision? Thank God I live on the east coast or I'd be carrying his baby right now. Yikes!
P E R S O N A L S H O P P E R
I'm applying first thing Monday.
Right now I'm off to get pretty myself. Have fun tonight, everyone! I'll drop back by later if I can!
Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 5:51 PM [+] ::
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Hawaii, Anyone?:: Thursday, February 27, 2003 ::
Good morning, girls! We had enough snow last night for a delay, but not enough to get us a day off. Hey, at least I got to sleep in, right?
Wrong. The boss called this morning to tell me it was going to be our very first Hawaiian shirt day. Now, do I strike you as the kind of person who owns a Hawaiian flowery shirt? I sure as hell hope not.
Long story short I ended up borrowing something from a friend. It isn't exactly what Boss had in mind, but it's working for me.
Ten more things about me!
11. I don't like tea or cheese
12. I have been to Singapore
13. I remember that the big-E Epiphany in James Joyce's Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man was on page 173 of my high school copy
14. I had my first real kiss in the 8th grade (and it didn't go very well)
15. I have appeared on national television several times and Asian television at least once
16. I bite my fingernails
17. I prefer handwriting to typing because it is more personal
18. I should be working right now
19. I don't believe carrying bread around unwrapped is a good idea, even in France
20. I have three dogs and four cats
I'll check in later to see what you all have come up with! Have a great day!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 11:02 AM [+] ::
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Wait! One More Thing
Next week I propose we make the radio show a drinking game:
Every time Simon says "Not to be rude" or "I don't mean to be rude", we all take a shot. THAT would pep things up a bit, don't you think?
I'd suggest we do that for AI but we'd all be passed out by the mid-show commercial break.
:: happy hour begins at 9:30 PM [+] ::
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Simon on Star 98.7
Hello again! This week I thought I'd take some notes while listening to Ryan's radio show for anyone who didn't get to listen. I'm sorry to say there isn't too much worth listing.
The hour opened with Ryan gushing about how much Simon is in love with Terri, and Simon ranting about not being able to get her into the Playboy Mansion with them over Valentine's Day. He was just so crushed about not having her with him. So crushed. Had a terrible time for the whole SEVEN HOURS he spent there with Ryan.
Does seven hours sans "girlfriend" sound like crushed to you? Hilarious! People who take this Extra correspondent thing seriously need to listen to this show.
It was on that fateful evening that the boys met Corey Feldman. Corey then proceeded to suck up over 20 minutes of tonight's show. Oh God. The only redeeming value this segment had was Simon imitating Corey's gravelly voice by leaning into the microphone and taking his voice really low. Vibrator? Who needs a vibrator? Jesus Christ, that was hot.
Exit Corey, enter Randy - then PAULA - both via telephone. Let's talk about eating disorders and Simon being "dangerous" for viewers, shall we? Oh please God, let's don't. Dangerous is Simon's growling voice (see above). Everything else about this segment was just boring.
The only other information I can think to pass on is:
1. Simon picks Joshua to win it all
2. Simon said the word "chicks"; those of you reading the mb's may remember I predicted he wouldn't say it
3. Simon's voice is un.fucking.believable, and if he does that leaning into the mic thing again I might pass out cold
That's all she wrote! I'm sorry for the Terri reference, but at least I had a point to make with that. Otherwise, I guess we'll all just wait for next week to see if Ryan and Simon can drag up something more entertaining for us!
'Night girls!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:16 PM [+] ::
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100 Things About Me
I know, just what you always wanted, right? Tough. It seems everyone in bloggerland has taken on the 100 Things About Me project, and being the follower I am I thought I would participate! I also have very little to say right now so this seemed like a good filler ;)
Every day I'll post 10 more things about me until we reach 100, and then I'll stop boring you. HFS and P, you up for the challenge, too? Hey, 10,000 lemmings can't be wrong!
1. I am 5' 2 and 1/8" tall
2. I grew almost half an inch last year - even though as of this writing I am 30 years old
3. After I shower I MUST Q-tip the water out of my ears or I'll go crazy all day
4. I have a magic wand at work with a sparkly star and white fake feathers
5. I am a Pisces
6. I am afraid of spiders, fire and having my picture taken
7. I will never post a photo of myself on this blog
8. If I decided to go back to school and change careers, I'd be a paleoanthropologist
9. I read Jane Eyre at least once every year
10. I still cry every time Jane has to stand on the stool and the headmaster accuses her of being a liar in front of the other girls
Learn something new? Tell me about yourselves! I wish I knew who you all were; I've thought about doing a roll call, even, but I can understand why you'd want to remain anonymous. Anyway...
Have a great afternoon, everyone! Talk to you soon!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 1:11 PM [+] ::
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Miscellaneous Stuff I'm Too Tired to Organize:: Wednesday, February 26, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! Well, our snowfall didn't amount to much overnight, and now they're saying we'll get the good stuff later today. Promises, promises. A meteorologist is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower; she doesn't win many accuracy contests but she sure keeps the crowd's attention.
So last night's codeine adventure was a total disaster. I went to bed fully intending to dream about Simon - I had a scenario and everything - and ended up with my BOSS in the sequence. Then my boss turned into Josh Lyman and things got interesting. Okay, so not a total disaster but not what I had planned.
By the way, I'm still going with the notion that Prancy came pre-named from an animal shelter and was probably selected by Simon's mother. Anyway, he wouldn't have a big dog that his mother might not be able to control. Poor Prancy! I bet she's an adorable little thing, and here we are seeing her as cause to worry about Simon's sexuality.
Well, poof. He's straight, Prancy was a gift and Corey Clark didn't make the top 10. See what a good witch I can be when I try?
Have a great day everyone! Don't forget to listen to Ryan's show tonight - Simon is scheduled to be there at 8pm EST!
Kisses -
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:34 AM [+] ::
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I Love It
Just the way he said that tonight gave me the shivers!
Fortunately for us all I had the Wednesday night West Wing buffer to keep me from verbally assaulting anyone. First Corey, then the mention of Kimberly Cauldwell. (I now know I'm not spelling that right, but I don't respect her enough to change my spelling. Consider it my two-nickel protest.) Are they going to allow us to eliminate two contestants the first week as they did last season? I hope so; otherwise it will be Indiana University v. University of Maryland basketball all over again. It's hard to know for whom to root because I have nothing that isn't vitriolic to say about either one. It would be a good night to drink.
And so, I'm going to forget about the disaster of tonight's show and escape into Simon Fantasy Land, much like I do when a deal goes south or I have to take the Metro. Sweet relief! "Love it." My God.
All I need now is the Fever girl and I'll be ready to roll!
Juliet
PS - I'm still giggling about the bunny, by the way... (Do you think Prancy gets carsick?)
:: happy hour begins at 10:30 PM [+] ::
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Does Simon Have a Soft Spot for Hee Haw?
In trying to brainstorm to whom Corey Clark is related my husband came up with Roy Clark, Banjo Guru.
You see, to be fair we went back and listened to Corey's performance again. Unfortunately it about killed us. That kid has someone calling in favors for him, I'm telling you. There is no way that voice made it into the top 32, and NO CHANCE a successful record producer would applaud for him, unless he had some help on the inside.
Hee Haw. LOL
J
:: happy hour begins at 6:14 PM [+] ::
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Well, It's Snowing Again:: Tuesday, February 25, 2003 ::
I love snow, I do, but this is getting just a bit ridiculous.
That's all right - knowing we have 30 more minutes of the lovely Simon tonight will lift my spirits all day! I'm thinking about rewatching last night's episode (with certain contestants muted) for a Simon refresher; I was so upset by the end of the show I forgot all the great things, like his muscles in that black T and his adorable facial expressions. Who knows? Maybe we'll get out of work early today and I can meditate on the tape this afternoon! Cross your fingers for me, girls!
Just one bit of news I wanted to pass along, another gem dug up by the wonderful JackieLynn - it seems our poor, misguided child has hired a car for his trip to London (this week?). This rental company puts their drivers in costume. He has instructed the company to dress the driver like, "a bunny".
Now I'm sure radical feminists everywhere are just screaming about this, but I would challenge them to picture it first. I mean, a 43-year-old man being driven around town by a bunny? A BUNNY? I'll be giggling all day about this. I might not even need my Simon tape after all. This is almost enough on its own.
One last item before I log off and stare out the window; the number of sexual partners Simon's had has been estimated to be between 80 and 100. If he lost his virginity at 18 he's been sexually active for 25 years, so in reality his number of partners really isn't that shocking. It's an average of three to four partners per year. Considering he's probably only hitting paydirt NOW it means there were some awfully lean years back there somewhere. Practiced lethario? Not too sure about that one.
A 43-year-old man of average sexual conquest riding about London with a bunny for a driver.
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:34 AM [+] ::
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That Sorority Was Good For Something
Hello again! I'm sorry about my little rant below; I realize it wasn't very ladylike of me to launch into a foulmouthed tirade. After I calmed down a bit I had a flashback about an etiquette seminar they made us take once a year at my sorority house.
Elbow, elbow, wrist-wrist-wrist, touch the pearls, wipe the cheek, switch!
I just wonder, what ever happened to that girl who sang "Fever" in the first round of auditions? Where did she go that we were left with such rubbish? That girl's voice made me want to have sex.
Speaking of which, I'm sorry for what I said below, Simon. The sentiment stands but I should have been more polite about it. Please accept my sincerest apologies. Shall we kiss on it?
Love,
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:33 PM [+] ::
...
It's Official: The Judges are Deaf and/or Drunk
First off, Corey. What the fuck was that? Why, after being forced to listen to his caterwauling, were we then insulted with the judges applauding for him? Paula and Randy even stood, for sobbing out loud. Do you really want COREY in the top ten? What, do you hate us?
Second, did anyone else catch Simon's comment to no-talent Corey about "the Kimberlys"? Please tell me he's joking or drunk. Please tell me that Cauldwell girl will NOT be reappearing on my television screen.
Do you have the feeling the judges were a little bit desperate tonight? I did. Only one contestant from tonight belongs in the top ten, and that's Joshua, who I am sorry to say I had forgotten until this evening. My speed dial is set.
Yeah, Simon, you're cute, but if Fuckwit Cauldwell or Corey gets your wildcard bid I'll be muttering curses all the way to the first round of the top ten - where America will surely eliminate her. Spend your ticket on Clay, someone who stands half a chance. After your disastrous show of support for Corey this evening you should be looking for redemption. I will let you buy my love - but just this once.
You know, the case for applying chaos theory to tonight's show wouldn't be too difficult to make.
Huff. Midol is calling, and I'm going to answer.
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:13 PM [+] ::
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Sorry I'm So Late...
...but I had a little reading to do. Today at lunch I purchased two items at the bookstore:
1. A book on html for beginners, including color diagrams and step-by-step instructions for creating a web page
2. A history of the science of chaos, including a section on recent advances and new theories about universal laws
Guess which one made more sense.
Yes, it seems this blog will look just exactly as it does right now for all eternity. If I want to make any changes outside the basic template I'll just have to hire someone else to do it. In the meantime, if anyone has any questions about disorder in a superficially ordered world, give me a buzz.
Speaking of superficial order, I'm off for American Idol! Have fun, and I'll check back after temple!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:53 PM [+] ::
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Good, Better, Best:: Monday, February 24, 2003 ::
Codeine
Codeine-inspired Simon dreams
Knowing there's more Simon time tonight
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:25 AM [+] ::
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Oh Piss Off
I'm listening to Tori Amos now and getting a sick thrill out of knowing Simon would just hate it.
Hey, I have to scrape my dignity back together somehow.
"So you can make me come, that doesn't make you Jesus." - Precious Things
Tell THAT to the bible study wench you kissed at the end of the show. I'M going shopping for a bigger tiara.
J
:: happy hour begins at 8:14 PM [+] ::
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After the Show with Oprah
He's still eating the cookie! HA! Oh Lord, for the first half of this thing I just wanted to lie down on the floor and cry. What a cutie!
But then Simon offers this girl in the audience, a complete rookie with half-masticated cookie wadded up in her cheek, TWO hugs because she said she thought he was the sexiest man alive. Well, DUH! Shove over, Margaret! You deserve NOTHING!
And THEN he's flirting with the married bible study chick from the suburbs!
WHAT DOES A LITTLE REDHEADED GIRL IN MARYLAND HAVE TO DO FOR A HUG?!?
But then the pout came out, and that's all it took to bring me right back to lying on the living room floor. If you need me, that's where I'll be...
J
:: happy hour begins at 7:32 PM [+] ::
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I'm All Giddy!!!
Go, Oprah! At last, the Simon I've been missing has returned! THIS is the guy I want to hold hands with in the park! Where have you been hiding, Romeo?
Nevermind, who cares? He's back now, and I HAVE IT ON TAPE! Relaxing on the couch with all the smiles and giggles I've been craving, falling into an easy banter with his hostess... EEEEE! I can't even come up with a word for this feeling!
I think the crowning glory of the whole episode was actually watching him indulge in whatever confection they gave out in those little pink bags (sorry, I wasn't paying attention to anyone else so I didn't hear what it was). He just kept nibbling as other interviews went on, making cute faces, clapping where appropriate but unable to offer a standing ovation because the pink bag might fall out of his lap. How adorable!
I realize I'm gushing, but there's been so little to gush about lately that I'm completely overwhelmed by this latest windfall. For a while I must admit I was fixating on his fingers scratching the sofa between his thighs. Oh my. Even the face touching, a classic sign of insecurity or discomfort, just made the whole package a little bit better.
I have just completely lost my mind. It's probably hovering over Simon's Beverly Hills house at this moment, wishing it had remembered to take along a cell phone so it could tell me just how beautiful he is in person. I don't expect it will return anytime soon.
Would you?
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 6:39 PM [+] ::
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In Case Anyone Had a Pool Going
Sinus infection. I don't really think that's right, but who cares? I have cough syrup with codeine. That's all I needed to hear.
Incidentally, does anyone else think it's strange to tell somebody what color furball you hacked up this morning? No matter how often I hear that question over my lifetime I don't think I'll ever get used to it.
Since we're talking about evil bodily functions, I also got my period today - totally unannounced and four days early. This puts me at a 3 week/2 day cycle now (and makes me want to buy a cake for myself for keeping an emergency tampon in my makeup bag). What the hell? (I'm really sure you wanted to know that, but until I get home to watch Oprah I'm stuck with this kind of news.)
Since I have back-to-back meetings all afternoon I'm going to bail and finish my lunch. Talk to you soon!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 1:31 PM [+] ::
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What's Going on Here?:: Sunday, February 23, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I'm not sure what the hell's going on with my blog, only that things are disappearing and I don't seem to have anything posted past February 20th. Then I go back in and it's there. Now all of a sudden I can't publish! ACK! (I don't know when this post will show up, sorry!)
No matter - Simon's on Oprah today! Don't forget to set those VCRs, girls! Also, check out the After Show on Oxygen; it will be on at 7pm EST, I believe. WOOHOO!!
I am at work, but hoping to get a doctor's appointment today so we'll see how long this lasts. Yes, I've caved; I can't take the all-night cough sessions anymore. I'm beat!
That's it, I'm done. LOL I'll check in later when I actually know something! Have a great day, everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:14 AM [+] ::
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There's No Accounting for Taste
Well, as crazy as we are about Simon at least our beloved is worthy. How would you like to have this as your fascination?
J
:: happy hour begins at 4:46 PM [+] ::
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I'm Such a Bad Girl!:: Saturday, February 22, 2003 ::
Here it is, four o'clock and I haven't blogged yet! Sorry 'bout that, kids - it's been a day. Fortunately I think the worst is behind me, and thanks to Petmom's suggestion I've popped in my favorite Aretha CD to further distance myself from any unpleasantness. Thanks, Pet! The fact that the floor under my 100-year-old bathroom is ever-so-slowly sinking is quickly becoming a dark spot somewhere in the past. Ahhh! Verrry niiice...
You know what else is nice? That little scar just above Simon's lip. I know I've mentioned it before, but it might be my favorite thing about him. How strange, I know, but there it is. Frankly anyone reading this blog has to be just as crazy as I am, so I'm not too concerned with what you might think of me for not choosing his biceps or sense of humor. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to see that little scar in person, hovering over his half-smile as he leans in to kiss me...
I almost wrote the word CENSORED after that, but in reality that's where my fantasies usually end. I'm such a freaking sap.
I haven't gone back to the fanfic writing because I'm startlingly unmotivated. I think I've been sidetracked by all this Paula crap lately. Remember when I wrote about shows "jumping the shark"? Well, I'm spotting a fin. If the AI people aren't careful, instead of the Fonz on water skis it'll be Gaydar Ryan on a purple jet ski sailing through that sea-sprayed air. I'd really hate to see that.
But it sounds like a few of you might have better luck with fanfic than I am! Get writing, girls! Even if my grand scheme of launching a new board doesn't come to anything there are still lots of places you can post stories. Some fresh fic might be just what I need to shoot that damn shark once and for all!
Now that your mission is clear I'll leave you to it. I'm going to go play with my blogger template a little bit, so if you see something odd on the blog just ignore it. I'll eventually figure this stuff out.
Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 4:10 PM [+] ::
...
So I'm still procrastinating...
...and now I find out I've been banned by MTV! LOL
'Night, all!
Juliet
Take the Which Madonna Video Are You? Quiz
:: happy hour begins at 11:20 PM [+] ::
...
Since I haven't done it here yet...
...and I'm still procrastinating, how about some quizzes?
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
:: happy hour begins at 7:34 PM [+] ::
...
ARGH!!
Hello again! Having warmed up with the tabloid headlines I thought I might work a bit on my latest fanfic.
Silly me.
Seriously, this one has been bugging me for about a month now. I've pretty much worked out the plot, and I've been fleshing out the characters slowly but surely, but I still don't feel them. Where's Val when I need her? SHE just sort of showed up and wrote her own story. She used to keep me up all night clacking away at the keyboard, and whenever I took a break she kicked my brain bloody until I sat back down.
This new chick is making me work for it, and I hate that. I think the problem is I'd know just how to do it if I were writing a screenplay, but I'm not so I don't. Dammit.
Sorry, I just had to get that out. I'm sure most of you have no idea who Val is or why I'm going on about this, but thanks for hanging in here with me anyway!
Incidentally, I've been thinking about starting a story board at Yahoo for non-erotic Simon fanfic, something like a companion site to the Simon Fantasy Depot. What do you all think? Also, is anybody out there a budding writer who'd like to have a little fun by cranking out a few stories for us? The Depot is always looking for new writers, and if I do end up with a less-than-X site I'll need some help. Hell, I can't get past the first paragraph with this new one without scrapping it! All submissions would be welcome, as long as you promise not to put "shall I continue?" at the end of each chapter.
That will make me kill you.
Let me know what you think!
J
PS - If you are over 18 and would like the link to the Depot, let me know and I'll email it to you.
:: happy hour begins at 6:22 PM [+] ::
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Scandalous!:: Friday, February 21, 2003 ::
Wow, kids. Nothing new on Simon, nothing new ANYWHERE. The media is making a giant mountain out of this weight thing - again. Yawn.
So, in the spirit of yellow journalism and having nothing better to do I thought I would brainstorm some tabloid headlines to break us out of this evil vortex! How about...
Industrial Light and Magic Comes Clean: Terri Seymour is Computer Generated!
Simon Says: "Saddam Would Make Great Dictator - If He Would Only Lose Weight"
Shocking Photos: Paula Abdul's Secret Sleepover with the Taco Bell Chihuahua!
Cowell Admits He Owns Patents on Latest Liposuction Techniques, Is Just Drumming Up Business
Simon Cowell a Virgin? Mum Tells All!
Ryan Seacrest’s Pink Cadillac: "I Was a Mary Kay Princess"
Simon Cowell Was Napoleon: Past Life Regression Hypnotist Tells All!
Sinitta Reveals: “I Rescued Simon from Life as Chippendales Dancer!”
Simon and Walt Disney: What He Doesn’t Want You to Know
Simon’s Love of Dogs: Terri Speaks Out!
Orbelina’s Revelation: What’s Really in Simon’s Basement
Ahhhh... So much better! What else would you like to see? Shout out your suggestions! Who knows; maybe next week they'll end up in the Enquirer and we'll know for sure Big Brother is watching ;) (And then we can have a conspiracy brainstorming session...)
Hugs for now!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:44 PM [+] ::
...
Hello? This is supposed to be fun, isn't it?
Yes, yes it is, and here I am on my soapbox! Fuckers getting me all riled up. Screw 'em!
I don't cook much (can do, don't care for it) but even I can handle this. Who knew grapes could be so exciting?
Kisses!
J
PS - Common sense disclaimer: Don't put the knife in the microwave. Also, no suing me if this doesn't turn out in your favor or you get grounded or something.
:: happy hour begins at 8:59 PM [+] ::
...
Entertainment Tonight
Let me ask you all: what do you think Paula's motivation is for trashing Simon? I mean, why now? He's talked about this in the past and she never said anything.
As adults, we all know the best response to the ridiculous is no response. By dragging Simon through the streets for his comment to Vanessa, all she does is call more attention to him and give his words more power, more validity. (Remember Dan Quayle and Murphy Brown?) It's the big, bad Simon v. the poor little victim, only it isn't about Vanessa anymore, is it? It's about Paula now.
Where are we going with this? Let me know what you think, because I honestly just don't get it.
As for Paula's accusations that Simon makes fun of her for her eating disorder, I'm going to reserve judgement until I hear Simon's side of the tale. There's no sense in getting fired up about it yet. I have my suspicions as to how it went down, what Simon may have said to set her off on what is obviously (and rightly) a very sensitive issue for her. Not all scenarios lead to his guilt, but some of them do. We'll just have to see.
Of course, I'm just a Simon-lovin' twit so what do I know.
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:02 PM [+] ::
...
TODAY'S SHOW IS SIMONIZED
Did anyone else catch that on the marquis? LMAO! HFS, care to hook me up with a Simonizer? Pretty please?
Yes, I have bailed out of work. I fielded a few emergencies this morning which each had to be repeated at least twice before I could grasp the issue. Not good. I slapped some duct tape on them as a temporary fix, forwarded my calls to my cell phone and got out of Dodge. I'm afraid Hollywood Squares is about my speed today; even though I am feeling better lucidity is still a ways beyond my grasp.
When I got home I had two tapes to review; let's start with Extra, shall we? Anyone else think Simon's satellite is permanently stuck on the Disney Channel? "Aladdin, Aladdin!" "Ballou the Bear, Ballou the Bear!" Classic! I'm guessing Simon has been studying up on his fairy tale villains for ideas on how best to crush the American spirit. Fortunately for us we're all old enough to see through the fiendish foe disguise. It is a lot of fun, though.
I have to digress here for a moment; between the Disney thing and Squares I'm reminiscing about my college days and a particular story from my sophomore year. I was on the dance team at Purdue, and because Purdue is the official band of the Indianapolis 500 we were part of the pre-race parade, sponsored by Disney that year. Directly before me, past our feature baton twirlers, was a contingent of horses, and before them was some sort of Disney float vomiting copious amounts of multicolored confetti, all in different shapes (rather like a box of Lucky Charms, actually). As we crossed the checkered carpet in front of the grandstand I felt distinctly dizzy; all that crap in the air and the pattern on the carpet created a hypnotic effect, and I searched desperately for something fixed at which to look so I wouldn't fall over. In my quest I noticed the horses weren't doing too well, either; in fact, they were hopping all over the place, completely out of the control of their riders. (I found out later the horses thought the black squares on the carpet were holes to China and refused to step on them, and so were hopscotching through the white squares.) The Disney singers on that damn float, clearly fearing for their lives, had completely abandoned their click track and were just singing whatever they could think to sing next. I think at one point I heard "Happy Birthday" coming from their gaping mouths, but I'll never be sure.
And that, my friends, is the greatest nationally-televised disaster I have ever witnessed in person.
Fortunately for us, Simon's week of Hollywood Squares turned out much better. By today's episode he had completely relaxed, giving us giggles enough to last until spring. Again, he either doesn't know much or is the consummate bluffer, but so what? He's cute!
I suppose I've written enough for this afternoon; now seems like a good time for a Dayquil pick-me-up and maybe a nap. Have a great day, everyone, and I'll check in soon!
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 2:50 PM [+] ::
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Back In the Saddle Again:: Thursday, February 20, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I am, most unfortunately, back at work. At a point it stops mattering whether or not I'm sick; I have to get to work. Dammit.
A quick recap of Thursday: stayed awake long enough to catch Hollywood Squares but in truth missed just about everything. I was with you in spirit, Simon! Immediately went back to bed, slept until 4, ate some York Peppermint Patties, back to bed until 7, ate some chicken, listened to Ryan's radio show from 8 to 9 for 30 seconds of Simon, and finally turned in for the night.
In those 30 seconds we learned that Simon would be in-studio with Ryan next week to discuss something important. He said he plans to talk about accusations someone with the show is leveling at him. Probably Paula. I hope not, because I'm already on to the "oh who cares" portion of the issue.
Look, Simon does what he does to get ratings, and we know it works. How do we know? Let's see... Our own little controversy here at the blog on Wednesday brought in a record number of hits for the day. Coincidence? Please.
Though I do have two things to say about Simon's recent harping on the weight issue. First off, does anyone else feel like it's escalating to something? Like it's more than just a ratings ploy, that there's some other reason for it?
The other thing - and stop reading here if you are a troll out to cause trouble - is, why is it that the public has deemed it inappropriate for Simon to say something which is, in fact, true? Vanessa is overweight (and so am I, so don't get your panties in a twist). I bet her doctor has told her the same thing. Is that a crime? No. Was she banned from the competition because of it? No. Was there any form of discrimination involved in Simon pointing out the obvious? No. As I've said here previously, I think he did it to call more attention to her and raise her chances of making it through to the next round. Some of you may disagree with me, but can you really say that it hurt her chances? She is in the top ten, after all, something Simon, Paula and Randy all predicted would happen.
In the end I think Vanessa looks fine, though she has said that she's trying to shape up. But she is, according to all standards of weights and measures, overweight. Do we really need to lynch someone simply for saying it out loud?
I've been accused recently of supporting Simon no matter what he says or does. Most of you know that isn't true, but in case you don't, I'll put it to you this way: I just don't talk about the things he does that bother me. Why should I? This isn't real, you know. The World was built for fun, and I'm going to get as much fun out of it, and Simon, as I can. But at the end of the day he's just some guy 3000 miles away whose acquaintance I will never make. Where's the harm in ignoring his faults if I can?
Rest assured that if I get to a point where he isn't fun anymore, I will simply change the channel. Until then, love you, Simon! I'm off to be my bitchy work self. Have a great day everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:00 AM [+] ::
...
Nipples and Squares
Hello again. No exclamation points this time. I feel like crap.
Yep. "Stop pulling my nipples." That's Simon's line, though I believe it's Randy who follows up with, "It feels good, stop." What I want to know is, what does Simon say after they remind them their mics are still on? He whispers something and Paula follows it with a teasing, drawn-out "I know". It's so funny to hear their banter when they think no one is listening. Way cute. Anyone who thinks they don't get along is sicker than I am.
Simon's day at Hollywood Squares just got better and better, didn't it? Now we have winks, and even a hearty thumbs up! (Token exclamation point because his thumb deserves it.) His exuberance must have stemmed from the fact that they finally realized his worth and made him the Secret Square today. He's such an adorably clueless creature. However, I can't tell you anything he said because I was pretty much zoned out the whole time. Sorry. Perhaps I'll watch it again later and take some notes when the FDA has left my body. Perhaps not.
I do remember someone else getting a Dr. Joyce Brothers question, something about people who are insecure always picking up the tab. Did you hear that one, Simon?
I'm going to crawl back into bed. I'll try to pep up for y'all a little later, but if you need a pick-me-up, just think about the cheerleaders on Squares. I'm sure that will help.
Night -
J
:: happy hour begins at 10:58 AM [+] ::
...
Well, It's Morning:: Wednesday, February 19, 2003 ::
And I am still freaking sick. This flu just won't let go, and now I've developed that cough that makes people leave your aisle at the grocery store. Lovely. I was planning to go to work anyway to get a few things done, but then I saw myself in the mirror.
Whoa.
So, I'm home sick today. In between naps and coughing fits I've planned a quick trip to Hollywood Square, which should lift my spirits a bit, AND some sleuthing! According to our resident Nancy Drew HFS, who now has her OWN blog (peer pressure is a bitch, isn't it darling?), there's a little something extra at the beginning of last night's live episode that I can't wait to hear! Get a sneak peek at HFS' blog, gottavent.blogspot.com. I'll let you know later if I hear it, too!
All right, back to bed I go. I hope you all are faring better than I am on this fine Thursday morning! Talk to you soon!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:29 AM [+] ::
...
Sensory Overload
Hello again! So, how does one recap ninety minutes worth of footage and not leave anything out? Frankly, I have no idea. I hardly remember a thing.
But Vanessa is IN! There's my girl! I'm getting pretty good at this predicting thing, though I have no early-round recollection of anyone who is singing next week. I suppose I'll just have to be surprised. It'll be like Christmas morning all over again! AND, no Hercules Hercules! Praise be to God...
Some quick notes from tonight - technical disasters abounded though everyone seemed to be having a great time during the live segment. The judges sure did laugh a lot, and you know what it does to me to see Simon laugh. GREAT night. Let me see, what else was I going to mention...flip flip flip...Paula snuggling up to Simon...Paula hits Simon A LOT...Keith...Ryan has worn platform shoes and called the side-slit pants "easy access"...Can'tSingItis was pretty freaking funny...People think Simon sucks yet they agree with him most often...Which is funny because Randy and Simon usually agree...Hmmm...The dance montage was classic...
ACK! I can't remember anything. Well, Simon was cute as always and I just can't get over it. I was blinded by his beauty.
Yeah, I'll blame him. HFS, you're right - everything is Simon's fault.
If I think of anything else you know I'll be back! Otherwise, hugs and kisses until tomorrow!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:18 PM [+] ::
...
I Knew Going Back to Work Was a Bad Idea
Whew! Seems like there's been some excitement over here today! What luck for me that I have such good friends on whom I can count to keep The World in order while I'm gone. Thanks to everyone, and a special welcome to those of you whose acquaintance I had not made until today. This is kind of like a Lifetime Movie Channel moment, only free from Valerie Bertinelli and the bouffant hairdo that stands in for Judith Light. Tear!
So we should have known that Simon would take a liking to Carmen Electra. Why not, right? Tall, thin, kinda dumb with a decent rack. Good thing her hair is so light or we might have a real situation on our hands! Of course, getting rid of the Terri-clones might not be so bad, even if Carmen is a little on the pretty side for him. (I really do wish she had tried that back flip, though. I bet the ambulance ride would have been fun to watch.)
I am surprised Simon didn't answer that the "F" was for Farting in Church. That's one of the Seven Deadlies, isn't it? Especially radiating out from that center square...
When will these students learn that 90% of the time Simon either doesn't know the answer or is bluffing? If I didn't know the answer I'd disagree with every damn word he said. You can't trust a man with teeth that white.
You can, however, gaze upon his visage with utter adoration and devote countless hours of videotape to the collection of his image. In the end, that's all I aspire to do of late. Sigh.
Thanks again, everyone! I'll check back in tonight after our AI marathon!
Kisses!
Juliet
PS - Just so you know, I stopped on the way home from work tonight and bought fresh batteries for my remote.
:: happy hour begins at 7:10 PM [+] ::
...
I'm Going to Rant Now for a Little While. Don't Mind Me.
It's time for us to play my favorite game! It's Pet Peeve of the Week! Spin the wheel, kids, and what do you get?
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL
To paraphrase an adage I'm too lazy to look up, insanity is performing the same action multiple times and expecting different results. It follows that anyone who watches AI week after week, expecting Simon to get nicer or more tactful, is insane. Not only insane, but cataclysmically irritating to the rest of us.
The show is called American Idol and it airs in the United States of America, where we have some fundamental rights. One of them is the right to turn off the television. GASP! SHOCK! What, like, TURN IT OFF? But that's HERESY!
All right, so don't turn it off. You also have the right to change the channel. (What a blessing it is that we have options in this country, isn't it?)
I just don't have any patience for people who don't understand why all television sets sold today come with a remote control. You can also get your ass up off the couch and physically hit the buttons, but that IS a lot of work. Let's try to avoid that, shall we?
Take some responsibility for your television viewing, people. I don't like Andy Rooney so I steer clear of the last bit of 60 Minutes. I avoid anything with Connie Chung, and if Kimberly Cauldwell makes the top ten I'll choose her audition time to go to the bathroom every week until she's gone. If you get angry and become emotionally unstable when Simon exhibits his usual outrageous behavior, then you shouldn't watch the show.
The bottom line is, we have choices. We have rights. And yes, you have the right to bitch about Simon all you want. But if you have made the conscious choice to watch him week after week, then you waive any claim you once had to credibility.
Basically, scream and yell. But after a while, don't expect anyone to be listening. I know I won't be.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:50 PM [+] ::
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The Inevitable:: Tuesday, February 18, 2003 ::
Yes, tragedy has struck. I am back at work.
I don't know what I was doing on Friday, don't know what I've done and not done. I have a ragged To Do list here somewhere with things crossed off and notes in the margins. I suppose I'll go by that. I only wish I would have washed out my coffee cup on Friday.
I have nothing to say other than that. Sigh. Fortunately there are ninety minutes of AI tonight (I have a friend taping West Wing) and a tape of Hollywood Squares which will be waiting for me when I return home this evening. All is not lost - just misplaced.
Have a great day, everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:30 AM [+] ::
...
Okay
Hello everyone! As I write this I am listening to Josh Groban's CD as loudly as I can stand it, trying to pacify my sensitive ears. Seriously, the guy in the office next to mine sings better than seven of the eight contestants tonight, and I've only heard him through the wall or in the car. They really ought to raise the age limit (as Simon has promised they will); maybe then we'll get some better talent.
I came into this evening with a previous pick, and that was Vanessa. I kept an open mind about the other singers, knowing we'd be looking for two to advance.
Gee, do we have to?
Mad props to Simon for giving Vanessa the Kim Locke treatment, by the way. Perfect BUT overweight he says, giving my girl a chance to strut. Before you all go off half-cocked because he criticized her about her weight, he knew exactly what he was doing. You could see it on his pretty face. I just hope it worked.
I must say, it is interesting to go through the entire process from beginning to end. I missed out on this last time around; I didn't really start watching until well into the top ten (and didn't catch onto Simon until toward the end of the season, dammit), so I'm enjoying the ride this time. I've predicted well so far with Julia (over Kim C.) (I really, really hate Kim C.), Kimberly L. and Rubin. I hope Vanessa keeps the streak alive!
Go vote, kids! Speed dial, here I come!
Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:17 PM [+] ::
...
We're FREE!
Ahhh! Free at last! It took four men three hours, but the Expedition has finally been sprung from its snowy trap.
I am not, however, leaving the house. Oh no. This is Tuesday, and you know what that means: if I leave the house I will get in an accident, get stuck, end up calling a tow truck on my trusty cell phone which will not work because of incessant military flyovers - something will happen to keep me from Simon.
Not a chance. Not this week. All those errands will just have to wait until tomorrow. At least now I know my confinement is voluntary; I can live with that.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 4:24 PM [+] ::
...
The Head Tilt
I have to say, some people have too much time on their hands. I also wonder which government paid for this study on which way to tilt your head when kissing. Am I the only one who just kinda, oh I don't know...goes with it?
Meanwhile, we now know to tilt to the right but there's still no cure for the common cold.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 11:23 AM [+] ::
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Embracing One's Inner Squareness:: Monday, February 17, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I'm listening to Harry Connick Jr.'s Just Kiss Me while writing this entry; it just seemed appropriate.
Now that the shock of seeing Simon on a kitschy game show is wearing off I'm having a great time watching him, and he seems to be having a better time doing it. By Friday I'm afraid he'll have signed on to fill in for Pat Sajak in March. GO TOWARD THE LIGHT, SIMON! GO INTO THE LIGHT! ARMANI IS IN THE LIGHT!
You can kiss my ear anytime, Simon. I promise you it will work.
Incidentally, that speed round (or whatever it is) question about Simon dolls being the bestselling toy in the UK pretty much stopped my heart for a split second. I knew they were talking about the bobbleheads, but still. The doll site IS doing rather well with the UK audience, btw, much better than bobbleheads (which still aren't on the market, making the question about as ridiculous as asking if he really loves that Extra correspondent). Anyway.
On a slightly less important note, couldn't they have found some brighter college students to do this? You can't tell me they were ALL snapped up by Jeopardy. There has to be something left in that barrel.
Ah well, back to daytime TV I go! I'm trying desperately to avoid the Maury/Jenny Jones landmines our fair networks have strewn across the battlefield, but this leaves watching babies being born on The Learning Channel. Hm. Who's Your Daddy v. Who's Daddy Will Pass Out First. Not sure.
I'll let you know what I decide.
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:54 AM [+] ::
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Joy to the World
"Thank you for calling (insert company name here). Due to the blizzard in Maryland and the State of Emergency declared by the Governor, (insert company name here) will be closed on Tuesday, February 18. We plan to reopen on Wednesday, February 19."
I almost flipped myself right off the couch when I heard that! (I'm an acrobat; didn't you hear? Contortionists work too hard.) I'M FREE!!! Another day in paradise, kids! This is the BEST!
Now I'll get ANOTHER day of Hollywood Squares without having to tape it! Woohoo! (I realize at this point my priorities may seem out of whack. And your point would be?)
This is Juliet, flip flip flipping her way off into the tundra. 'Night!
:: happy hour begins at 10:02 PM [+] ::
...
Winter Wonderland
Hello again! Now that I'm back from the beautiful snowscape and have thawed myself out, I am desperately searching for a ride into work tomorrow. Eek.
I believe the Chrysler is stuck until spring. Seriously. The snow is up past the wheel wells in the back, and drifted over the windshield in the front. Plan B was getting out the Expedition, but even that proved impossible. Hours of shoveling got the thing two feet out of its space but nowhere near the end of the parking lot. It wouldn't matter anyway; a snowplow got stuck at the end of our drive about an hour ago.
I am in.
I called the other three people on my street who work in my building and they are all likewise stuck. I called everyone on my team and nobody's sure how they're getting out, either. Somebody is trying to call the boss as we speak, but his drive is worse than the rest of ours. Looks like a sick day to me, children! I'll keep you posted!
Meanwhile, I'm gearing up for my weekly dose of Cirque du Soleil - Fire Within on the Bravo Channel. I'd still like to be a contortionist, however unlikely that may be (since I am 30 and not into rigorous training of any kind). I have so many daydreams...
I am also setting the VCR for Extra tonight; I hear we get to see Simon and Ryan in action at the Playboy Mansion for Valentine's Day. Now why is that funny to me? And why do I get the feeling my little world here is closer to Simon's reality than he would have us believe? I'm sure that Extra correspondent girl (whose "girlfriend" label has disappeared from their broadcasts) was quite amused at her "special friend's" activities on the most romantic holiday of the year. Unless... Hmmm... ;)
Have a great night, children!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:33 PM [+] ::
...
Being a Girl
flip flip flip!!! The pony tail is back, Westlife is blaring through the speakers and I'm having a fantastic day off work! I just have one question: why on earth would anyone want to be a heterosexual man? Girlhood is just so much more fun! For one thing, Simon Cowell! That would be enough all on its own, except there's so much more out there to explore.
Take, for instance, the last hour of my life. I spent that hour happily making my way through jars and bottles of the best girly potions ever made, the vast majority of which came from Philosophy, part of Biomedic. You see, I was starting to get those awful little grey patches on my elbows; you know, the ones which form over the winter when you think no one will see you haven't exfoliated there in a while? (Rather like only shaving your legs partway up your calves so you look like a gorilla in tube socks, just because you aren't wearing skirts with the cold weather?) (Obviously I never do this (cough cough) but I've read about it.)
My favorite Philosophy product right now has to be The Gingerbread Man, which is a warm body scrub that leaves you and your house smelling like gingerbread and your skin soft as a baby's bottom. Sadly this product is not currently available from either philosophy.com or sephora.com, but if you have a brick and mortar store somewhere close by you might want to check. I'm sure they'll get it back soon, though; it's too good not to restock!
Okay, now that my shameless Philosophy plug is over (almost - GO TRY THIS STUFF! Start with Real Purity and Hope in a Jar - you'll be hooked!) I'll move on to some other happy girlness pursuits. How about shoes and handbags? People like Manolo Blahnik and Kate Spade carry a special place in my heart; without them I'd be utterly lost. Wealthy, but lost. A het man simply cannot comprehend the sheer joy a girly-girl derives from opening a tissue-lined box to find a new pair of shoes. He will also never understand what makes this pair of shoes different from all the other black pairs in the bottom of your closet. We know, and that's what's important, because in the end all he sees is the total ensemble anyway. He may not know why he likes it, he may not notice the subtleties which bring it all together, but when he pulls you into his arms you'll know you chose the right pair of shoes.
Okay, maybe not, but isn't it fun anyway?
Which brings us back around to Simon Cowell. Girls, if you ever get a chance to meet him there's one piece of advice I can give you: "A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. That's the basic spelling that every woman ought to know." - Mistinguette
What, no kissing? Come ON! All right, then, one more word of wisdom: Kisses are given and taken, not asked for. I don't know who said it but it is absolutely true. So go for it, for me! Since I'll never meet him I have to live vicariously through you (meaning I expect a FULL report afterward, got it?).
I am once again off to frolic in the snow! We ended up with over two feet, which means I'll never get my car out of its space. Oh well! More fun time for me!
Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 3:47 PM [+] ::
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Even the FDA cannot compete with Hollywood Squares:: Sunday, February 16, 2003 ::
That must have been the most surreal half hour on television - ever. For those of you who missed it and forgot to set the VCR (BAD girl!) I'll give you a quick overview. If you DID set the VCR and just haven't watched yet, stop reading, have a drink and roll the tape. And no, alcohol will not impair your enjoyment. Oh, no.
First, it is College Tournament week. Yes, that's right, Simon Cowell in the center square between Baba Booey and Carmen Electra while a marching band plays the show's theme song and cheerleaders scream their heads off. I'm sure Carmen was a plus and the cheerleaders DID have their nubile backsides turned to His Majesty, but still. Add in two unbelievably exuberant college students and we have ourselves a game.
The game is called, Where is My Fucking Agent.
Not that Simon couldn't handle it because he did, and not that he wasn't funny because he was (he was absolutely adorable throughout), but the whole thing was rather like seeing Andre Leon Talley strutting down Fifth Avenue in a polyester shift. And the best part is?
We get to watch it all week!
Love,
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:54 AM [+] ::
...
ROFLMAO!!!
She did it! HFS did it! HA!
Check out the doll site for Snow Shoveling Simon!
Talk about text on the fly... HFS sent me the graphic about 20 minutes ago. That girl is FAST! LOL
J
:: happy hour begins at 9:44 PM [+] ::
...
Orbelina
Does anyone watch Will and Grace? If so, can you just see Simon with his housekeeper?
It's Karen and Rosario, I'm telling you... (Could be why I like him so much; they call me Karen at work when I wear the tiara.)
Credit goes to iwanttomakelovetosimon (MLTS) and Pet for this one; Petmom, who is stuck in this blizzard, too, asked for a snow shoveling Simon doll, and MLTS pointed out that the doll would actually be Simon in a T-shirt, scarf and earmuffs directing Orbelina while she shovels the snow in a black dress and apron. Is that not the funniest damn thing?
Oh, you know we love you, Simon! Everything you do, could do, will do or even would never do, makes us love you just that much more...
J
PS - I should point out that we're talking about Snow-Shoveling AISimon here, not FantasySimon or RealSimon. Okay, then.
:: happy hour begins at 8:12 PM [+] ::
...
"Are you Annie?"
Oh! I just love this movie! Sleepless in Seattle has to be one of my all-time faves. It even has sentimental value; my husband and I saw it on our very first date. Sigh.
Emma is up there, too; talk about a fantastic romantic scene! Maybe I'll pop that in next. Well, maybe I should go for a comedy and pick Drop Dead Gorgeous.
"Just make one someone happy, and you will be happy, too"
Sigh.
J
:: happy hour begins at 5:49 PM [+] ::
...
What a Day
Hey again! I just finished watching the movie Cats and Dogs. I don't know if it's because I have beagles and cats or what, but that movie cracked me right up! Definitely a fantastic snow day activity!
In the past two hours we've gathered four more inches of snow. It's exciting and a little scary at the same time. I LOVE it! If it's going to be cold it should just keep snowing. At this point I don't think they can even try to get my company open tomorrow - and if they do, I'm not going! LOL Forget it - this is too much fun!
Work ethic? Hell no; all my clients are already off for President's Day. It would have been nice to have a dead day to get the crap work out of the way, but screw it. HOME! Plus this way I don't have to tape Simon on Hollywood Squares! (I love that he said it was awkward to do it on Howard Stern; the first time someone mentioned it to me oh so long ago that's exactly what I said, too. He's not really a Hollywood Squares kind of person, you know?) (I only say that because I don't particularly care for the show...)
All right, I'm off for some dinner and a romp in the snow with the dogs! Well, dog; only one of them has any use for this kind of volume. The other two just stand there looking miserable so I'll probably leave them in the house. Of course, they'll bark like maniacs until I let them out, and then they'll want to come in again immediately. I just can't win.)
Later!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 4:52 PM [+] ::
...
Not a Cat in Hell's Chance
There's a new item at the doll site, girls! Hope you like it ;)
J
PS - Isn't HFS a genius?
:: happy hour begins at 11:33 AM [+] ::
...
Someone Who Should Be Fired:: Saturday, February 15, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! Well, the snowstorm has officially begun; they are calling for 14-24 inches in the next 36 hours (on top of the 6 we already had from yesterday), so I'm officially a shut-in! Fortunately I am feeling much better, still not 100% but enough to stay awake for most of the day. It's going to be a GREAT day!
Unfortunately someone else is going to have a less than stellar Sunday. A few someone elses, actually, though we really only care about one of them.
According to The Observer Simon's publicist has much to learn about keeping his mouth shut.
"They may be seen to have women falling at their feet," teases suave spinmeister Mr Max Clifford of some of his sparkling client list. "But I know they're gay." We trust that brilliant magician Mr David Copperfield, Pop Idol judge Mr Simon Cowell and even hamster-munching comedian Mr Freddie Starr - all notorious heterosexuals and beneficiaries of Mr C's advice over the years - remain unruffled by their mentor's amusing aside.
There's an old legend about the origins of the word "fired". I don't know how true it is but it certainly makes for a great story. Apparently there was an employee at Proctor & Gamble back in the day who was chronically late and caused all sorts of trouble. He had been warned repeatedly to clean up his act, but still he misbehaved. So, when he arrived to work after lunch one day he found his desk out in the middle of the street - ON FIRE. Hence, firing.
Frankly I never though that slimy old Max was doing Simon very much good anyway; maybe now he'll heed my advice and seek help elsewhere. Pretty please, Simon? For me?
I'm off to try and find something to eat. We avoided the throngs at the market so completely that now we have little fresh food in the house. No matter; that's what freezers and pantries are for. Scratch waffles and cherry preserves? Sounds like a plan to me!
Hugs for now!
Juliet
PS - Thanks, once again, to JackieLynn who keeps me in stories up to my eyeballs. I don't know how you do it, darling, but you will forever be my hero!
:: happy hour begins at 9:14 AM [+] ::
...
Oh...MY God
I have never had any respect for Connie Chung; click here to see why.
Can you say, "Terri Seymour on Extra ten years from now"?
J
:: happy hour begins at 6:50 PM [+] ::
...
The Food and Drug Administration Takes Me Down:: Friday, February 14, 2003 ::
Hello, everyone! None of this is going to make much sense because I am seriously medicated. In order to sit upright I needed copious amounts of cold medicine. Blame the FDA. I'm also going to blame the FDA for the hockey game I just agreed to attend in March. I've never even watched hockey on television. WHAT was I thinking? I'm having visions of pucks whizzing by my head, forcing me to duck under my seat for the duration of the match or game, or whatever the hell they call it.
I don't know.
Life under the blanket of the FDA is so surreal. I woke up at 8, took some little orange pills and pretended to go back to sleep. Really I was reading The Story of O for about the fifteen millionth time. I am convinced this is one of the best sentences I've ever read in my life: "O was frozen to the sofa like a butterfly impaled upon a pin, a long pin composed of words and looks which pierced the middle of her body and pressed her naked, attentive loins against the warm silk."
I finally did sleep again and dreamt of pins and going commando in the snow. Did you know the word "dreamt" is the only word in the English language which ends in the letters "mt"? I read that somewhere once and meant to investigate it, but in the end I lacked the motivation. That happens to me a lot. I guess I rationalize it by remembering that sometimes you just have to take someone's word for things, especially when knowing said things is of absolutely no value.
Anyway, I finally emerged from the bedroom around 10 and caught Muriel's Wedding on one of my 37 movie channels. I just adore this movie. I love ABBA and Dancing Queen, too, which is probably what drew me to the movie in the first place. Frankly I love just about everything I've seen Toni Collette do. I like that girl.
So we haven't had much snow yet but apparently tomorrow will bring some serious accumulation. Well, they say that but they don't really know, and by they I mean the ever-pregnant meteorologists on The Weather Channel. They've been sitting behind their desks bickering about it for the last two days. In the end I suppose I'll just have to look outside tomorrow. Seems like we do better with a yardstick in the garden.
Did any of the above make any sense to you? Well, then, you must also have fallen victim to the FDA and their assertions that over the counter medications are safe. They did get one thing right, though: I really shouldn't operate any heavy machinery today. I'm thinking a hairdryer falls into that category because it involves electricity and lives in a room with running water. So now I'm sick with wet hair.
Wish me luck.
Juliet
PS - According to my spell checker the word "whizzing" does not contain a Q. So much for higher education.
PPS - What is with these British people and their most hated Brit awards? Seriously, Simon Island is dangerously close to being taken over by these United States of America. We'll make him a province like the Virgin Islands and give him his own state code. Visas will not be issued to Brits seeking passage to Simon Island. We'll send them to Guam instead.
:: happy hour begins at 1:11 PM [+] ::
...
Busted
Hello again, everyone! I'm back in, just for a second to reiterate what the wicked, wicked H shouted out below: Someone has now officially opened her email to Ryan Seacrest recommending the doll site.
Insert four-letter expletive here.
Fortunately I have a lot of sweet distractions on the way! I don't know exactly what tonight will hold so I can't say whether or not I'll be back, but rest assured with the impending snow storm you'll be hearing a LOT from me tomorrow. Kisses to everyone, and once again, Happy Valentine's Day!
Juliet
PS - I haven't said this in a while so if you're new to the group, two things:
1) You can always send me feedback by clicking on the "Shout Out" below each post. You can also read what others are saying and have your own side conversations! (Feels more like home this way, doesn't it? Fucking flood. Bolt sucks.)
2) You may have seen the archive links in the left hand toolbar. Well, if you click on January you get January, and if you click on February it looks exactly like this page. Just keep scrolling down; the old stuff is down there.
:: happy hour begins at 6:04 PM [+] ::
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Happy Valentine's Day!:: Thursday, February 13, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I regret to inform you that I am sick. I'm sure you couldn't care less since my germs can't infect you through the internet, but let me remind you that new viruses are emerging every day and it's only a matter of time...
I also hate to tell you, Simon, but I already have a Valentine. You can be my back-up guy, okay? Sorry, kid; #1 gives roses and chocolates and wonderful kisses all year through. From you I have carpal tunnel syndrome and a tiny, annoying callous on my wrist. (I had to purchase equipment to love you, darling; I now have a mouse pad with something like an imbedded breast implant to rest my hand against. Adoring you is just too painful.)
In my Dayquil haze I have to rant a little. I've been hearing all week from people who think Valentine's Day is too commercial and they refuse to celebrate it.
Now, what kind of evil planet is this (you knew that was coming back) that you can't be a little commercial if it means expressing to your loved ones just how special they are to you? I don't care if Walt Disney made up this holiday; I'm going to celebrate! I am celebrating with my friends at work, I will celebrate tonight at home, I will celebrate with strangers at the grocery store today at lunch.
If you feel the need to give up a holiday, make it Thanksgiving. Eat your turkey on Friday this year, I don't care. But today, just for today, be a little kinder to your friends and neighbors. After all, isn't that what life is all about?
Have a great day, everyone! Happy Valentine's Day!
Juliet
XOXOXOXOXO
:: happy hour begins at 8:55 AM [+] ::
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My Breathing is Finally Slowing Down
I just finished listening to Simon on Ryan's radio show. That voice just kills me.
Anyway, HFS and I were a bit concerned about having been turned in for the doll site, but we needn't have worried. Nada. This means one or more of the following must be true:
1. Ryan couldn't find anything nice to say and was warned off by our Gaydar Ryan doll threat.
2. Simon issued his own threat and Ryan heeded THAT.
3. Nobody read the email.
4. Everybody hates the site.
I'm personally choosing #5 because this is MY world: Ryan and Simon love the site SO much they were afraid to talk about it lest the powers that be catch on and send us our long-awaited cease and desist order.
Good plan, boys. I'm a little sad Gaydar Ryan won't be making an appearance on the site, but perhaps it's for the best. The little stinker does make me laugh.
We did get to hear a story about Simon and Ryan in Chicago before the first AI aired. Apparently they went to a strip club and ended up in a "private room" with a couple of women. They talked for an hour, fully clothed, and were charged a boatload of money (Ryan said $350, Simon's estimate was quite a bit higher). Simon said they were just trying to be polite, and for some reason this strikes me as one of the funniest things I've ever heard. I'm picturing these two sitting on a red velvet couch in an upscale rendition of Beavis and Butthead. "We're gonna score."
Are you seeing this? Try not to let it keep you from having fantastic Simon dreams, okay? I for one will be dragging up every single picture of Simon I can find in the hopes of deprogramming before bed. Wish me luck!
'Night!
J
:: happy hour begins at 9:24 PM [+] ::
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Singalongs and Smiles
Happy birthday, Stockard Channing! In Ms. Channing's honor a local radio station has been playing songs from Grease throughout the day. Who wouldn't love this? So I'm in my car at lunch, stopped by a red light and singing along with "You're the One that I Want" at the top of my lungs, when I look over at the car next to me and find a man starting at me and laughing hysterically. I smiled and mouthed, "What?" And he started to sing, too. He must have been on the same station because what followed was a hilarious back-and-forth pantomime of love through closed car windows (now happily covered in fingerprints). Drivers all around us were laughing right along with us and a good time was had by all.
Life is so much fun! All it took to brighten my day was a single minute with a complete stranger. Shouldn't we all try every day to give that minute to someone else?
Which brings me back to the woman who was so rude to Simon (you know, the small dick thing?). That sort of thing makes me furious. I've heard women do this, and I just cringe! Sure, it makes for a funny story NOW, but then?
Come on, girls. Men are very, very fragile creatures, much more so than they'll ever let on. We need to use our so-called (and long-held) "upper hand" to help these poor souls out a bit. When I attract attention in a bar or somewhere, I always smile when I tell them I'm married. I could choose to be snotty about it (it's not like my diamonds are microscopic), but what's the point? Reserve your condescension for the cretins who pinch your bottom as introduction.
Why not smile at everyone else? It's such a simple thing, and it makes all the difference.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 1:19 PM [+] ::
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Poor Simon
Good morning, everyone! I'm feeling a bit better, a bit like I really could take that road trip to New York. So, obviously when I say "better" what I really mean is "more unstable".
I am loving this article in the Sun today! (Thanks again, JackieLynn! Without you I'd be utterly lost.) Poor Simon and his trouble chatting up women. (Does anyone else just love that phrase?) It's articles like this one that make me want to rush over there (to NEW YORK!) and hug him. Interestingly, though, he cites our collective worldwide viewership of Sex and the City as giving women the upper hand when it comes to dating.
Huh. I guess I hadn't gotten the memo back when I was single. Didn't we always have the upper hand? It's a wonder I survived.
Speaking of survival, I'm off for a meeting. I'm looking forward to the next hour, actually. I'll have lots of time to daydream...
Have a great day!
Juliet
PS - After publishing this once already I had to come back. First off, what kind of woman makes a small dick comment to a total stranger? Who ARE these people??? And secondly, what's he talking about, getting bored with each other after a long time together?
Get TiVo, Simon. Sheesh. Hugs! ;)
:: happy hour begins at 8:54 AM [+] ::
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Wait a Minute:: Wednesday, February 12, 2003 ::
Simon said on Howard that the age restriction thing will be changed in the future for AI. I thought Simon wasn't doing a third.
Hmmm.
:: happy hour begins at 12:05 AM [+] ::
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Redemption
I'm still here, but the Nyquil is starting to kick in so please forgive me. Again.
Howard Stern rocked! I hate to use that word as a verb but in this case, I just have to do it. It was the lock of hair that kept falling across Simon's forehead that kept me from fully attending to my viewing duties. I'll go back and actually listen tomorrow, perhaps without the imaginary girlfriend segment. I can tape over that part with a tampon commercial, maybe. Those Pearl Girl ones have a catchy tune.
Did you ever ride your bike or drive your car past your crush's house? Do you think it would be the same thing if I drove up to New York tonight? Yes? So normal, right?
Stream of consciousness a la James Joyce under a haze of medication...
J
:: happy hour begins at 11:44 PM [+] ::
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My Bitchy Little Recap
Hello again! Sorry this is so late, but it's West Wing night! Speaking of which: Fox, get your act together. This is twice in a row now I've been late in getting to NBC...
I'd like to say I've used this time to reflect on our AI experience this evening, but frankly I've been much too preoccupied with Josh and Donna's would-be romance. That being said, please forgive me if I seem to be rambling; it's because I AM rambling, and there's nothing you can do about it. Here we go!
First off, my husband has been saying forever we needed to do a Max Headroom Simon for the doll site. I'll be living down the "I told you so" moment for the rest of my natural born life.
Simon was in New York and he couldn't tell us why. Hm. Seems to me that a few hours worth of work for a few million dollars shouldn't be too much to ask, but that's me. Remember, I'm feeling bitchy tonight (I warned you in the title) and I am, after all, one of the poor viewers who had to sit through the awful commercials which pay his salary. So in a way, doesn't he work for me? Where the hell is my tiara...
New York, eh? I don't know about you all but I'll be taping SNL this weekend. Just a baseless hunch, don't get pissed off if you stay up well past your bedtime to tune in and he's a no-show.
I simply must comment on the AT&T wireless text messaging vote as well. Simon is 43 and the fans who are most likely to find him sexy are generally old enough to know better than to have a cell phone with AT&T. Naturally the results were skewed.
Don't pout, Simon. Your real fans are just smarter than Fox.
So despite having Simon's prettyful face in a box the night was a complete success! Ruben and Kimberly 1 & 2 with Clay in third. Nice job, America! Let's get Clay in that wild card spot, shall we? After that we can work on Becker.
I need to run off now. I'm battling the flu and trying very hard to keep my head from hitting the keyboard.
'Night!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:45 PM [+] ::
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Save Frenchie?
Hey kids, I'm back for a quick update.
There is a website out there called, what else? savefrenchie.com
The site is obviously brand spanking new and there isn't much news out yet about exactly what she did to get herself shunned, but the site does include contact information for Fox and Fremantle if you care to email, fax or snail-mail them on Frenchie's behalf. There is even a petition on the site to get Frenchie back on American Idol.
However, I am not going to lodge an official protest or sign the petition. Frankly, I think she'll do better without the show. Do you remember Vanessa Williams? Of course you do. Remember any other Miss America winners?
Neither do I.
J
:: happy hour begins at 6:09 PM [+] ::
...
And to top it all off...
...today was our team's picture day. Gather 'round and say cheese?
Having my picture taken is among the top five worst things that can happen to me, along with death and having to hold a spider. The last time I had my picture taken was probably two years ago at our last team picture day. Our programmer is as phobic as I am but has seniority, so she gets to hold the camera.
Bitch.
J
:: happy hour begins at 2:37 PM [+] ::
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And Today's Rant Is About...
What else? Frenchie.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. On one hand, I can understand why you would be disqualified for posing topless for pictures used on an adult website. Taken alone it sucks, but I get it.
However, we're not talking about ABC or another Disney property; this is FOX, for Christ's sake. This esteemed network brings us butts, boobs and shameless programming every day of the week. Fox THRIVES on this sort of thing. What's their problem?
However, dear reader, are you thinking it wasn't Fox, but 19 Entertainment/BMG having a conniption? All right, but what about Simon? Simon darling, I love you, you know that, but your past with strippers and/or porn "actresses" and your womanizing reputation can't be considered wholesome in any way, shape or form. Your people have gone to great lengths to convince the public that you are a slimy bastard with nonexistent morals (not that we believe them, but that WAS the goal), as well as the person whose opinion matters most in this competition.
Nikki McKibbin is a single mother. More power to her, but wasn't the conglomerate worried about the statement they were making about family values? (And what about the verrry nice statements Simon and Randy made to the press about her being a better stripper than she was a singer?)
Is anyone else having a problem with this? I know I am. Frenchie was over 18, it is her body and she may do with it as she pleases. If it pleases her or brings her closer to a goal, who are we to judge her for that? This is not Frenchie's problem; it is ours as a nation. It shocks me how puritanical we can still be after everything else to which we subject ourselves.
The only thing I can figure is a) they needed Simon to be an ass for the first season to get us to watch, b) they didn't care about Nikki because they never figured she'd make it as far as she did, and c) nobody knew how successful the show was going to be before the first season aired so they didn't know how much attention they were going to get.
It just makes me sad that Frenchie fell victim to Fox's newfound responsibility toward its teenage viewing audience. Meanwhile I'm still getting pornographic "notes" over at Bolt, the "Official American Idol Message Boards"...
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 2:04 PM [+] ::
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Ryan Seacrest and the Women's Apparel Department at Bloomie's:: Tuesday, February 11, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! Did you all have pleasant dreams about our handsome boy? I know I did! ;) I didn't get much sleep, though...
Last night HFS and I found out our friend "H" submitted the doll site to Ryan's radio show via email. Now, we've been turned in to Extra and ET in the past but what are they doing to do with that information? However, Ryan being Ryan we knew we had to be ready; this kid is going to nail Simon to a tree and slingshot lingerie at his head. After a little scrambling we got up a message to Simon - with a warning for Ryan.
We're serious Ryan. Don't make us do this. We like you, kiddo, but we love our Simon. (By the way, I like the tiplights. Very cute, and they illuminate your face nicely. Good move.)
Oh, and I forgot to mention last night (because the farklempt factor was through the roof): the smile like Christmas morning comment I made a while back? Last night's show was like a mistletoe kissfest. The best hour of television - ever.
Yep, it's time to work. Good news, I have my spot back! Go Doug! Bad news, my husband is sick. I'm sorry, bunny! I hope you feel better!
Hugs to all!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:50 AM [+] ::
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And Another One Falls
According to usatoday.com, our beloved Frenchie has been disqualified. Apparently she worked for an adult website several years ago, and for that Fox (and/or 19 Entertainment) is giving her the boot.
Un.fucking.believable. Simon, you'd better give this girl a contract right quick. As in, right now. NOW. Someone over there has seriously screwed up, and you need to make it right.
Maybe our hero will ride in on his white horse and make this a better deal for her. We can only hope.
J
:: happy hour begins at 11:04 PM [+] ::
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The Good, the Better and the Best
What a week! Clay, Kimberly and Ruben all together. Dammit. If we Americans were smart we would have come up with some sort of strategy, like voting in Clay and Kimberly knowing we'd get Ruben with a Wild Card. But alas, we still can't get Becker off the air no matter how hard we try. I think we just lack leadership.
Meanwhile, voting for Kimberly! Love that girl! She kinda slapped my beloved, but I was rooting for her from the prelims. Gotta dance with the one who brung ya.
Simon! Child, I could just kiss you all over. You were certainly having a great night! I can't say more than this because my father might be reading, but... Damn.
It's the giggling that gets to me. Every time, honey, every time.
Kisses!
Juliet
PS - I think we've heard the insult of the year from Simon. He's right, she should have just stayed in the room. Classic!
:: happy hour begins at 9:16 PM [+] ::
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Simon's Fashion Cents
HA! So today Newsday.com has Paula Abdul fussing over Simon's enormous clothing budget (she doesn't have one) and complaining that he only uses it for black T-shirts. Come on, Paula, think really, really hard... Are you with me? Did you get it? Hmmm? Follow me, Paula... They give him the huge budget in the hope that he will use it for good and not evil. Good girl, Paula. Very smart girl.
Simon?
P E R S O N A L S H O P P E R
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:51 PM [+] ::
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Tuesday, Bloody Tuesday
Hey gang! I'm so excited! Only 30 minutes until Simon! WOOHOO!!! Unfortunately this means that it is Tuesday.
Since AI came back on the air Tuesdays have been hazardous to my well-being because an obstacle always, ALWAYS appears.
Tuesday #1: One of my clients is coming in for a meeting on Wednesday so I have to run all over town Tuesday night. After much frustration with blue hairs and hats (our fine senior citizens behind the wheel) I skip dinner to roll into the house at 7:57pm.
Tuesday #2: My husband is working late and I have no plans to leave the house, affording myself a perfect buffer of down time before the show starts (to blog, stare at pictures, whatever). When he tries to leave work at 6:30 his tire is flat and the spare is not functional. Lovely. I trek up the 23 miles to his school to find he has located an air pump and loaded the tire enough to limp to our mechanic. We race home together and arrive at 7:42pm.
Tuesday #3: I'm home! I'm home! But our satellite reception is spotty! My dear, wonderful husband manages to wrestle the damn dish thing into submission - at 7:51pm.
At last we reach this evening, and so far, so good. I'm knocking on wood, just to make sure the power doesn't go out or the smoke alarms go off. I have a good feeling about tonight, though. You see, just when things looked to be their worst at work and I thought I might have to work late (if only to bury the bodies), the heavens opened up and snow began to fall. It's not enough to keep me home tomorrow, or even to get us a delay, but it is beautiful. And it confirms what I sometimes doubt on these fun-filled Tuesday nights:
Somebody up there is thinking of me.
Have fun tonight, kids! I know I will! If anything particularly shocking happens you might hear from me again. Oh hell, Simon could take a nap on the judges' table and I would think it's the cutest thing in the universe.
Later. ;)
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:31 PM [+] ::
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Common Law and Common Sense:: Monday, February 10, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I hope you liked our little Three Faces of Simon chat transcript from the doll site! That's what happens when I get a snow day and HFS drinks.
Unfortunately I have to start off my entry with a rant. This is for my beloved friend, Doug: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PARKING SPOT!! Jesus Christ, you park in the SAME spot EVERY DAY for FIVE YEARS and it becomes yours under common law. What happened to YOUR spot? Where did it go? I remember you had somewhere else to park YESTERDAY. Where is is TODAY?
Now, I'm just picking on Doug (not really, get out of my spot) but it is irritating to lose one's place. Fortunately for Doug he works in my department; if this had been someone from IT there would have been some SERIOUS hell to pay. Damn consultants sucking the lifeblood out of the bonus pool...
Ahhh! I feel better! I just needed to get that off my chest.
Just one more thing before I fill my coffee cup and start plowing through the stacks on my desk. Do you ever stand outside yourself and think, what am I doing? Why am I spending all this time and energy on a total stranger, someone I'll never meet in my lifetime? Someone who has never heard of me and never, ever will?
Nah, me either.
Have a great day, kids! And Doug, move your fucking car, please! ;)
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:33 AM [+] ::
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Check out the Doll Site!
Get your cute butt over to the Simon Dolls Website! We've added a new item - the Ask Simon page! And don't forget to send us YOUR questions for the next round!
Lord, we are so busted...
'Night!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 11:50 PM [+] ::
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In Touch Magazine, February 17
Thank you, JackieLynn. Thank you, God. Thank you.
Oh. It's the one where he's sitting at the kitchen table. That picture might be the last thing I ever see in my life. That would be okay with me.
Help me.
I have to go lie down now. If you don't hear from me anymore there's a good chance I will have had a heart attack while gazing upon Simon's angelic smile at that table.
My fingers are numb.
:: happy hour begins at 8:23 PM [+] ::
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You Know You Were a Little Girl in the 70's If...
Hey gang! As promised I've pulled out my own little dose of baboon stage therapy, you know, to go along with that speedo? My sister (hi!) sent this to me a couple of years ago and I just love it. I can identify with every single one of these!
You know you were a little girl in the 70's if...
You wore that rainbow shirt with the half-sleeves and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other. You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobby Easy Bake Oven. You washed them down with the Snoopy Snow Cone Machine. You had that Fisher Price Doctor's kit with a stethoscope that actually worked. After training with these tools you became an expert at the game of "operation". You owned a Schwinn bicycle with a floral banana seat and a basket. In the early 80's you moved on to the ever popular 10-speed. Gosh that seat hurt. Your roller skates had metal wheels. Admit it - you thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute. You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island. You had rubber boots for rainy days. Your shoes actually fit inside of the boots (with a little help from you Mom and some plastic bags). You had either a "bowl cut" or a "pixie" (not to mention the "Dorothy Hamill") because your Mom was sick of braiding your hair. How traumatic when people thought you were a boy. Your Holly Hobby sleeping bag was your most prized possession. You begged Santa for the electronic game...Simon. (HA!) You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple shredded outfits. You spent hours out back on your metal swing set with the trapeze. You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color. You kept losing your mittens so your Mom bought you the kind that were attached by a string. You wanted to be Laura Ingalls really bad. You wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffled shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture. You despised Nellie Olson! You wanted your first kiss to be at the roller rink. You tried to make sure that no boys would grab the comb out of your back pocket and skate away at the roller rink. Your hairstyle was described as having "wings". Strawberry Shortcake and her friends Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie. You carried a Muppets lunch box to school. You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazard was your boyfriend or who would get to be Ginger and who got stuck being Mary Anne. You had Star Wars action figures, too. You thought unicorns were real. I was a big even in your household each year when the Wizard of Oz would come on TV. Break out the popcorn and sleeping bags! You wanted to be a part of the Von Trapp Family. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. You loved The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe so much you got the whole Chronicles of Narnia series for Christmas but never read the other books. You crawled in a wardrobe somewhere and actually believed for a few seconds that you were on your way to Narnia. You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, Footloose and Flashdance soundtrack albums. You tried to do lots of arts and craft things, like those weird potholders made on a plastic loom. Shrinkey-Dinks! What was so appealing about these? I loved the Raggedy Ann and Andy Shrinkey Dinks. I still remember how the oven smelled when they were "baking". You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape recorder up to the speaker. You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Scholastic Book orders your teacher would give you. Remember? The order catalogs looked like miniature newspapers. You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume books. "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret." Remember "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and "Superfudge"? And don't forget the Mrs. Pigglewiggle books! Care Bears. You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics. Barbie Dream House and Barbie Townhouse. Friendship pins, which you wore on your tennis shoes. Shoelaces with hearts or rainbows on them. You collected Smurfs. You wanted to be a Solid Gold Dancer. Sticker books with different pages for scratch 'n sniff, glitter, shiny, animal and cartoon stickers. Cabbage Patch Kids with corn silk hair. Winnie the Pooh record players. Praying that Santa will bring you Underoos for Christmas!
I hope you've enjoyed this little trip down memory lane as much as I have! Have a great night, everyone!
Juliet (1972 - ?)
:: happy hour begins at 7:06 PM [+] ::
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Vrrrooom, Vrrrooom
Hey there cutie! You know who you are... LMAO!
J
PS - What kind of hussy was that?
:: happy hour begins at 6:45 PM [+] ::
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Career Change
So all during lunch today I've been trying to come up with things I can do to go work for Simon, and I realized I'm not good at much. I'm also quite fond of this tiara and do not intend to give it up - ever. That being said...
I think personal shopper is the Simon job for me! I can't be his stylist because he'll never hire one (he's made too much fun of Paula to eat his words now) but that's really what he needs, so why not personal shopper? I can guide his fashion choices from the very source. I'll even go so far as to label his clothes like Garanimals, only in addition to what matches what I can say when it should be worn. Perfect! Oh, and so much fun - shopping with someone else's money? Heaven! (Plus you know I'd have to measure that inseam for myself, just to make sure...)
The only other job I could think of was personal assistant, but I don't take orders very well. Get your own damned laundry, Simon. Do I look like your mother? Seriously.
Until Simon offers me the job I have my current position to juggle so I'm off to do that. (Does anyone else think an Iraqi citizen is being a little optimistic in registering for a trade show in the US? Just asking.) I'll check in tonight!
Kisses!
Juliet, Personal Shopper in Training
:: happy hour begins at 2:00 PM [+] ::
...
Don't you hate it when...
...you pull a dryer sheet out of your sleeve halfway through the day?
I wore jeans today because it's snowing here. Aren't you proud of me? ;)
J
:: happy hour begins at 10:58 AM [+] ::
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The Scarlet Letter:: Sunday, February 09, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! Since there weren't any new Simon sightings this morning I've had to make some up for myself. I guarantee you don't want to know about them, but I'm having a wonderful time!
So instead of burning your retinas with my personal Simon moments, have you heard about this kid in Michigan who is suing his school district? Check this out: he got an A in work study and not an A+, which means he may not be class valedictorian. He worked for his mother as a paralegal, and this wise, perfectly unbiased lady is fighting the grade as well.
Now, I don't know about your mother, but I'm quite sure mine would have popped me in the back of the head and told me to "get over it".
This is all about perspective, really. It seems his good old mom has forgotten that nothing you do in high school has any bearing on the rest of your life. (Frankly, I've found not much from college carried over, either, except being a Purdue University alum is a good interview conversation-starter.) Well, high school grades can help get you into a good college, but after this fiasco do you really think Harvard will be itching to take him on?
Wow, I'm grumpy. Coffee and some Simon pics loom large in my immediate future. I'll check back in when I've had my fix :)
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:39 AM [+] ::
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The Trousers
Can I just say, once and for all, WHAT? Everywhere I go I read comments from UK viewers talking about how Simon wears his pants too high, and criticizing US viewers for "not catching on" to it.
WHAT?
How irritating is this? First off, no, I don't notice it. I like his shape, and his shape puts his belt level right where it should be. Second, who are they to complain? It's not like the English countryside is crawling with hotties; why torture the few they do have with miscellaneous imaginary complaints which make them wear their "jumpers" untucked so we can't see their charming backsides?
Obviously I am not talking about Simon's legions of diehard female fans from the UK - love you girls! But for the rest of you - knock it off or we just might find a way to keep him! Where will Pop Idol be then, hmm? (However, as stated Before the Flood, you have to take Terri back. She doesn't belong here.)
We Americans are pretty territorial, something you should know from your history books. Simon Island is awfully close to being annexed - be nice and we might let you visit him once in a while.
Juliet, Daughter of the American Revolution and Caller of the Flying Monkeys
PS - To hell with him being homesick; I was PMSing that day. We'll build him a BioDome of UK-ness and bring over his mum. We'll even let him have a dog.
:: happy hour begins at 3:31 PM [+] ::
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No, I Do:: Saturday, February 08, 2003 ::
Have you ever noticed Simon often follows an outrageous or funny statement with, "No, I do"? Just more fodder for the giggle mill. Don't mind me.
I had plans for today, but they are quickly going out the window. I LIKE being idle. I also like talking about nothing, so you can probably expect more nonsense from me today. Sorry about your luck, kid.
Oooh, road trip! Another website I like is The Museum of Unnatural Mystery. From Big Foot to Nessie to the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, you're sure to find something interesting in here. Check it out!
Okay, I'm out for now. Have a great Sunday afternoon and I'll check in soon!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:40 PM [+] ::
...
Okay, that was mean...
...about Simon's girlfriends not being cute. Sorry, darling. I just... Well...
Nevermind.
J
:: happy hour begins at 9:12 PM [+] ::
...
All right...
...now I'm just procrastinating. Sorry. I'm sure I could find loads of things to do, but frankly I don't want to do ANYTHING and coming here seemed like a good fallback.
"I can't do the dishes right now; I'm blogging."
I could talk about Simon's taste in women, but why torture us both with the obvious? I just wish he'd come up with someone cute and remotely intelligent. You know, someone we could root for.
Ideas, anyone? (Besides you, of course, because that would be too easy...LOL)
J
:: happy hour begins at 7:06 PM [+] ::
...
Oh, since the day I saw you I have been waiting for you
Leave it to the Ronettes to say it all for me...
You know I will adore you til eternity!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 6:30 PM [+] ::
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Just Ignore This Post
Really, because I've just completely lost my mind today.
Star Magazine. Good Christ, how funny is this? Since I live in the Capitol of the Free World and all I won't be able to get my own copy for another day or so, but thankfully JackieLynn has bailed me out. JL, you are the BEST! Speedos, moustaches and perms. What can I say.
Don't feel bad, Simon; I was a perm child myself for some years. I know how you feel, too - I would kill my parents for dragging out pics of me in what we call the "baboon stage". (This phrase goes back many years. We had a Keeshound named Molly when I was growing up, and during the change from cuddly puppy to ravishing adult she lost all her silky hair and all she wore was her wooly underfur. She looked for all the world like a baboon, poor thing. Fortunately it didn't last long, but those awkward teenage years we all go through have been known as the baboon stage ever since.)
Speaking of which, I have an email someone sent me some time ago talking about what it was like to be a little girl in the 70's. I'll try to find and post it soon - I believe I have it at work.
Anyway, once I've actually seen the article to go with the pics I'm sure I'll have more to say, so until later...
Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 3:16 PM [+] ::
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A Little More Regression, Please:: Friday, February 07, 2003 ::
So here I sit, late in watching yesterday's Extra as usual but still thoroughly enjoying myself, listening to the soundtrack to Dirty Dancing and having a flashback. I was in the eighth grade, and my best friend Janelle and I had found our way to the dollar theater to see the movie. The room was packed with adolescent girls, and we had to sit in the aisle to be seated at all. We started our journey at 10am and didn't leave the theater until well past six; nobody did. With popcorn, Junior Mints and a screen full of Patrick Swayze what more could we need? I mean, really?
Well, that's how I feel now. Simon has brought me to this, and I LOVE it! Now I just need him to show up and take my shirt off with "Will You Love Me Tomorrow" playing in the background. He would say yes, and I would let him take my fantasy virginity. Sigh.
And then he would give me the lyrics to "The Closing of the Year" (track 13, don't forget!).
Wow, I just sat here for ten minutes singing along and daydreaming. Not that you would have known that, but I felt I needed to share. What he does to me is... I have not the words, actually.
I just did it again. I'm going to sign off now. I'm worthless today.
Juliet
PS - I just checked the back of the soundtrack's jewel case to make sure I had the year right, and of course it's an RCA item. Damn jackass. (That's HFS's term and I have come to adore it of late. Thanks, honey!)
:: happy hour begins at 11:58 AM [+] ::
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See, this is why I don't need drugs
Happy Friday night, everyone! What a great day! First, snow! That's enough all by itself to bring on the happy dance, but because of the snow I ALSO got a day off work to admire it! WOOHOO!!
AND, since we grew up in the midwest we know how to drive in the snow, so the husband, the Expedition and I hopped out for... SHOPPING! Stops at the Gap, Van Heusen, Banana Republic and Etienne Aigner brought me six pairs of pants, two sweaters, three shirts, two pairs of shoes and an assortment of socks - for $250! SCORE! I'm good at shopping. Make that talent #2 (next to the lyrics thing).
Have I mentioned my shoe fetish yet? If not, now I have. How many pairs of Mary Janes does one girl need? I'm not sure, but four pairs are not the maximum. I'll keep you posted on that.
It's also been a magical mystery tour as far as music goes - Frank Sinatra to KMFDM to Air Supply in the space of a few hours. Seriously, I am so messed up. (I know I've mentioned it before, but who wouldn't like KillMotherFuckingDepecheMode and songs like "Kickin' Ass" and "The Unrestrained Use of Excessive Force"? Fantastic driving music...)
Okay, I'm terribly behind on my emails and have my daily Simon worship still ahead of me, so I'll sign off. Have fun tonight, everyone!
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:33 PM [+] ::
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Tonight, on a Very Special Blossom...
Hello everyone! SNOW DAY! I'm home, puttering around in my pajamas and thinking about lunch. How are you all today? (Besides pissed that I'm off work and you are not? Hey, don't hate me because my town can't handle snow removal...)
Late as always I have finally seen last night's Extra. I think I need to find a new word, something beyond cute because it doesn't seem to be cutting it here. Though I realized last night, he speaks at the speed of an Arkansas Dairy Queen cashier. Kinda cool, kinda sexy when he says my name, kinda annoying if you're in a debate or trying to make a point. Ah, I'll get used to it. I'm sure my speech will slow down, too, once we're together all the time. Compromise is important in any relationship.
Activity time! This being a day off for me I am looking for mindless pursuits to fill the hours, and I often return to a favorite website: www.jumptheshark.com. Have you heard of this? A few guys got together and put up a website discussing when their favorite television shows, actors, singers, etc., "jumped the shark". Jumping the shark is defined as the moment when you know a show (or career or whatever) is effectively over. It's named after the episode of Happy Days when Fonzie literally jumped a shark on water skis. For instance, 90210 jumped when Brenda went to Europe, Gilligan's Island jumped the first time someone who could have rescued them visited the island, and the Democratic Party jumped with the Mondale-Ferraro ticket.
At the site you get to vote and comment on when you think a show jumped the shark. Do you disagree that Cheers jumped when Diane left or when Mabel was born on Mad About You? Say so! Oh, and don't forget to pay special due to the Patron Saint of shark jumping: Ted McGinley. Wherever he shows up you know the show is on its way out.
Need extra incentive? American Idol is on there - and a lot of people think it jumped on Day One. Burn 'em up, children!
Lunch. I need some lunch, so I'm outta here. I'll check in later if I think of anything semi-worthwhile to say. Have a great day, everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:08 PM [+] ::
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