:: Wednesday, April 30, 2003 ::
Get to the Results - As Long as the Results Aren't That:: Tuesday, April 29, 2003 ::
Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't blogged yet today - work was a whirlwind and post-work was a nap. Oops. But I woke up just in time to witness plenty of P/S touching and a heart attack in the making! Let's recap!
First off we were treated to an ensemble 60's medley, and if you squinted your eyes and unfocused them a bit you could almost see all Six Flags waving behind the kids. The Pop Tart graphics were back and there were a couple of cameramen running like frightened sheep across the front of the auditorium, and I had to wonder: why can't Trenyce sing like that when she's competing? Well, not that I would have voted for her, but you know. In the interest of national spectacle.
Burt Bacharach came in next to pretend to play the piano while contestants past and future sang What the World Needs Now. I had hoped never to see the Blonde Bookends ever again, but this was only a taste of the horrors to come. Anyway, the next time Burt comes by I hope they haul out his Mini-Me; he was already there in spirit.
Do You Believe in Magic? Kinda hard to when all you have to go on is a American Idol tarp in the middle of an empty parking lot. I don't think Ford's little freshman intern project ad had the David Copperfield feel they were going for.
Ahem. Are we there yet? No? Okay.
Tamyra Gray then led the kids (including Blonde Bookends) around the set of Boston Public. Why? Because they like you.
Justin Guarini showed up to sing a song that made me wish to have the dumbass Casio crickets back; I'm sorry for what I said, Fox! Truce? Sadly, during Justin's entire long, long number I kept thinking back to Will Young and his Tiptoe Through the Tulips act at last season's AI finale. He was outclassed then, and Justin was outclassed tonight. Wow.
Another commercial and another chance to ask, are we there yet? Isn't this almost over? I know, last week things seemed to fly by with only a half hour window, but we'd already forgotten from the week before that an hour is too long. What say we go for 45 minutes next week, followed by 15 minutes of Simon doing physical challenges? I'd be up for that.
But after the commercial, all the pain and suffering we'd endured to this point become nothing when we find out that Ruben Studdard is in the bottom two. The Speaks household was so quiet you could have heard pins falling like sleet on a tin roof. Simon looked like his head might explode, and I don't blame him. My fellow Americans, you've got to be kidding me.
I honestly think either Fox deliberately stuffed him down to get us to vote (note they didn't mention the number of votes they received last night, which means it probably wasn't good) OR it's the Tamyra Syndrome: people get complacent and think everyone else is voting the "right way". Obviously they were not or Josh would be out on his ass right now.
Fortunately it's Trenyce, who didn't look too upset by the news. I mean, how could she be with Ruben sharing the hot seat with her? She's a smart boy; she had it figured out. (She was probably also a little shocked after watching Simon and RANDY dance to Ruben's encore. HA! Did you notice that SIMON was leading that one? I love a man who can take charge...)
So figure it out, America! I do not intend to go through this again - there's enough drama in my life as it is. Let's work on getting Josh the hell out of there, then you can do what you want.
But JOSH GOES FIRST.
Have a great night, everyone! Sweet Simon dreams!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:35 PM [+] ::
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Terra Cotta, Olive Oil and a Flaming Talk Show Host
Hey everybody! It's a return to the 60's, only this time Simon is old enough to be sexy and I'm - well, I'm alive to witness it! Welcome to my happy little recap of the Tuesday night showdown!
Okay, I'm going to state right here for the record: as soon as the contestants took the stage I started with the Trenyce as Tina Turner in drag commentary. I was originally going to save that for later, but I want it said RIGHT NOW. You all know why. (mutter grumble gripe grrr)
Anyway, welcome to Ryan "Some People Just Shouldn't Wear Yellow" Seacrest, Randy "Dawg, the Last Thing on my Mind is Humping Ryan's Leg" Jackson, Paula "My Breasts are Really, Really Uncomfortable in this Top" Abdul and Simon "Oh Hell Yes" Cowell! Note to Fox: those Casio-sounding crickets were the dumbassest thing I've ever witnessed. Love Note to Simon: I love how you scrunched down and giggled! You should do that a lot! Happy girlie scream! Note to imaginary Extra correspondent: Ryan sounded a bit sarcastic when he called you "that wonderful girlfriend of" Simon's. Second Note to imaginary Extra correspondent: When Ryan wanted to shut Simon up about this blind date inside joke, he called you Simon's soulmate. Oh, Vanna?
So, who's our guest judge of the week? REGIS PHILBIN ON FIRE!!! Girlfriend, you got it goin' on! I hope Paula's breast-squeezing dress is flame retardant because otherwise we're going to have a situation on our hands. Ow!
And now, on to the show!
01 - Ruben Studdard - Ain't Too Proud to Beg - Love it! He even had Simon clapping! I don't get the shiny suit, though. It made me think of the Friends episode where Ross was trying to get his leather pants back on in his date's bathroom. Ah well, at least the soundtrack was wonderful!
02 - Trenyce and the Frog - Proud Mary - Dammit, Cowell, get your ass off my freaking blog! I have work to do here! Gah! Well, I'll tell you anyway that during Trenyce's entire performance I was just waiting for Nathan Lane and Robin Williams to come flying onstage. I also had desperate thoughts of how many Pirin tablets we might have left in the house and remembered all we have left are Advil Liquigels. Not fast-acting enough to save me from this.
Note to Banana Boy: Don't ask where Simon does his drag research. Some of us know you were in Barbados for Simon's little fete, and we've also heard rumors of a recent escapade with you hitting on a queen without realizing it. Remember your audience.
03 - Josh Gracin - That Million Years Song - Okay, Potsie. Better than last week, but still. Just, no. Right now there is more controversy about whether it was spelled "Potsy" or "Potsie" than there is about how much longer you should last in this competition.
After an ad there was another reference to this blind date situation Banana Boy had going on last weekend. I wonder what that's all about...
04 - Kim Locke - I Heard it Through the Grapevine - Well, it was a cheesy 70's arrangement of a long 60's song, but Kim handled it well. See, Paula? Your breasts could look that happy...
05 - Clay Aiken - Build Me Up, Buttercup - Has anyone else noticed how long Ritchie's feet are here? What are those, clown shoes? So Simon (the romantic) has no idea what the song means, but at least he brushed off Paula's hug. Nice work, honey. Smooches!
Before we went to commercial some fans yelled out, "build me up, Clay!" and the Speaks household was off to the Austin Powers races. No lie, for the entire ad-based intermission my husband delivered such classics as, "You could see the judges were putty in his hands," "Regis wants to mould Clay," (at which point I was admonished to get my mind out of the gutter), and "You can tell Clay's just Aik-ing to win."
Deliver us from evil.
Then we're back for round two!
01-2 - Ruben Studdard - Breaking Up is Hard to Do - I don't know much about this one. I just put my pen down and listened. Swoon! After Ruben sang Simon gave him quite a compliment and smiled all the way through it, then we got a little glimpse of - gasp! - could it be? A little shyness from our beloved? Oh, I think it was! I'm melting over here!
02-2 - Trenyce - Love Will Keep Us Together - She got all nasal suddenly, and I was distracted from her performance by the strawberry Poptart graphics behind her. I loved the outfit though. Oh, snaps though for making Paula kiss Simon on the cheek - and for making Simon like it so much! (I know, not a shipper, but I'll take what I can get these days.)
Another commercial, and this time my husband spent the interval talking about how Trenyce's teeth make him think of that scene from Fright Night. What scene you ask? I don't know; I've never seen the movie either. But Mr. Speaks is convinced...
03-2 - Josh Gracin - Bad Blood - "Bad song, brother you need to leave." Cheeeew. Haaaaad. Hey, somebody has to fill Carmen's shoes I suppose. Funny how the crowd didn't "boo" Simon's tongue-lashing either.
Ohhhhhhh my Gawd...
04-2 - Kim Locke - Where the Boys Are - Loved the outfit, loved the song! This song was such a change from the first one, all softness and light. I loved it.
Clay got an introduction here, before the commercials started. I think Ryan hates me, because I spent the next two minutes listening to Mr. Speaks and his, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the Clay," "Clayin' Alive" and "Clay You, Clay Me." Dammit.
We came back to Trenyce and...wait for it...OLIVE OIL. I soooo did not need to make THAT connection. Really, guys, I didn't want to see that. Jesus.
05-2 - Clay - Solitaire - Whoa, Clay got dramatic lighting and everything! It felt like a magic act was about to break out! Don't get me wrong, Clay did a fantastic job with the song, but Clay the light bill already, Fox!
Regis lost what to Clay forever?
ENOUGH! The hour was finally over and after a quick recap Simon bolted from his chair and I hit the rewind button. There were a few things I was hoping to pick up about that Banana Boy Blind Date situation, but alas, nothing. I guess I'll just have to fill in the gaps myself.
So, Ryan, how did your blind date with the transvestite go last weekend?
Love you all, kids! Have a great night and I'll talk to you tomorrow!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:02 PM [+] ::
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Yeah. It's Gonna Be a Day
I just took my slip off.
In my office.
:: happy hour begins at 10:01 AM [+] ::
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OMG!! SERIOUSLY?:: Monday, April 28, 2003 ::
Yes, seriously! It's morning and I've managed to blog already! Damn, I know! I guess knowing Simon will be with us tonight has given me some extra energy this morning, and God knows I need it!
So energy I seem to have, but not so much with my faculties. First thing this morning my favorite verbal sparring partner bumped into me in the coffee lounge and said something snide. I had a witty comeback all ready to come out, but in my fog I missed the window and my pithy reply morphed into something out of a Teletubbies ep. Fortunately I didn't say it out loud but I did laugh a lot, which scared my friend quite a bit. Probably much the way you all feel with me most of the time.
So half of my team is in Hawaii. And where am I going next month? Atlanta. Dammit! Okay, to be fair, I HATE to be hot, don't own a bathing suit, don't care for sand and burn like tinder in the sun. But that's not the point! Why am I always schlepping to Atlanta for weeks on end while my colleagues get to lie around in Hawaii?
Wait, let's amend that statement - while my colleagues get to lie around in Hawaii and call me in the middle of the night for shits and giggles?
Ah, we may have hit on something there.
Anyway, here's a challenge for you on this fine Tuesday morning: what one word would you use to describe Simon?
Have a great day everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:46 AM [+] ::
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Drinking Games and Mother Hens:: Sunday, April 27, 2003 ::
Hey everyone! I'm back at home, thankfully out of those stupid stockings and torturous bra and ready to party! Okay, not so much party as get in a good nap before Lester Holt comes on MSNBC at 9, but you know. Whatever.
But there is a party on the horizon! Yes, once more our beloved will visit us on a Tuesday, smile at us on a Wednesday and disappear into the Great LA for another week! And when he appears, we will have something constructive to do with our time: a drinking game! Thanks to the beautiful and talented JackieLynn, we now have an official bender planned for tomorrow night in the form of some college kid's snotty commentary on our fair show, American Idol. You can read all about it here, but my favorite highlights include drinking twice if Clay sings Missy Eliot’s “Work It” and three times if Ryan and Simon declare their undying love. Oh, and we get to finish the bottle if Josh Gracin comes out in an afro wig! Yeah, baby!
But it's not all party games at Boise State (where our happy rulemaker writes for his little school paper); I had to get a little snotty on the kid's ass about some comments he made about Simon. Ah well, that's why I'm here! I can criticize Simon but don't anyone else dare do it. Piss off, outsider! You have earned NOTHING!
Anyway, I've heard Simon will be appearing on Ryan's radio show again this Thursday, but that hasn't been confirmed. I'll keep you posted!
I'm off for a plate of fettuccine Alfredo takeout from Outback (what, you thought I was going to cook?), a little Chris Matthews (eee!) and maybe some quick zees before Lester and his half-smiling seriousness break in to tell me what I've been missing all day. Have a great evening, everyone, and I'll talk to you soon!
Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 6:54 PM [+] ::
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By Jove, I Think I've Got It!
Hey gang! This is a special message for anyone who has a blog and uses the Klink Family for their commenting system (the Shout Outs): if the Klink code is the first thing in your template (which is what they tell you to do) you're going to want to move it. I've posted the new placement for the code on the msn boards but I can't post it here (and you know how I don't like to link the msn boards to my site ;)) If you can't get the code off msn and need it, please email me and I'll send it to you.
Thanks for hanging in with me! Hopefully this patch will solve the problems you all have been having accessing my site! If you're still having problems with that, please let me know and I'll look for other solutions.
Hugs!
J
:: happy hour begins at 9:06 PM [+] ::
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A Little More Reminiscing...:: Saturday, April 26, 2003 ::
Hey everyone! I'm taking it easy this weekend but wanted to blog, so I thought today would be a good time to post an old entry made on the msn message boards. I know some of you saw Simon on Cribs for the first time yesterday, but when it first aired in December my husband and I were off work for snow and, with absolutely nothing better to do, spent a few hours going frame by frame through the shots of the mantle in Simon's bedroom. We thought it was pretty enlightening...
*********************
Hey gang! With a day off for snow and no jugsaw puzzles to do, hubby and I came up with an extended list of books, etc., from Simon's mantle on Cribs...
These are thanks to HFS:
The Remnant (part of the Left Behind series)
Word Freak
Among the Heroes
What Men Think About Sex
The books we found:
FYI, Word Freak is a book about competitive Scrabble players
What Men Think About Sex - I believe this is by Mark Mason, out of print, about two men who both fall and compete for the same American woman. Noted as "hilarious for any man who has ever fallen for forbidden fruit."
Looks like Simon is a mystery/thriller fan...
Proof of Intent
The Lottery Winner (Mary Higgins Clark)
Cold Paradise (Stuart Woods)
Speaking in Tongues (Jeffrey Deaver)
The Fourth Deadly Sin (Lawrence Sanders, part of a series I think)
And non-mystery but a hysterical book: How to Lose Friends and Alienate People by Toby Young
We believe the three green hardback books next to the video tapes are old encyclopedia volumes.
Two video tapes (besides the Osborne tape and Simon's Tease):
Jurassic Park
Thirteen Days
And when Simon is reflecting on the chaise in his bedroom he's reading House and Garden magazine.
So now we're cross-eyed and hungry. Anyone else see anything on that mantle?
J
**************************
We had a lot of fun with that, actually. After we'd identified all we could from reading the spines, we tried to piece together anything fuzzy and searched Amazon.com for possible matches. When we'd run out of options, we memorized the spines that looked distinctive and went out to Borders. Because of the snowstorm we were the only customers in the store, so we had two clerks at our disposal. It turned out they were both from Indiana (as we are) and we had a fantastic time!
Yes, Simon as a bonding experience. You just have to laugh...
Have a great day, everyone! I'll talk to you soon!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:10 PM [+] ::
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It's Quite Sad, Really:: Friday, April 25, 2003 ::
Hello everyone! As always, I don't get to see Extra until late at night so I'm chronically late with my imaginary correspondent commentary. But since most of you couldn't get to my site yesterday anyway I won't let my tardiness stop me!
So that Terri person interviewed Simon's mother. We didn't learn anything new here; Simon's mother is funny, Terri is a giggling idiot and Simon set fire to a Santa beard when he was four. But that's not what has you talking. The issue with yesterday's segment was Mrs. Cowell's response to the marriage question.
Terri: Do you think he'll settle down eventually?
Mrs. Cowell: I'm sure he will. I think he should ask you to marry him.
Followed by hearty laughter from both beauty and beast. So what do we make of this mess?
First off, my gut reaction was Mrs. Cowell was joking. The way she answered the question, and the reaction both she and beast had to it, makes me think the whole thing was some colossal inside joke. But that's my opinion. What are the facts?
1. This interview was taped at least a few weeks ago, to coincide with the last time Mrs. Cowell was in the US.
2. After the interview was given, Simon was spotted making out with Jaimsye Haft in a restaurant.
I won't comment on Simon's reaction to the situation from Canada because you can't count on anything he says. My advice to you is, when Simon speaks just listen to that heavenly voice and forget the words. You'll make yourself crazy trying to figure out what he means and that ruins the fun.
Back to the matter at hand, why would Extra run this bit now? Why did Ryan haul her out in front of the cameras last week on AI? It's the same reason.
Terri has absolutely no career prospects in this country without Simon's coattails, and whether or not the Jaimsye incident actually occurred it still ripped that rug out from under Terri's clawed feet. Terri needs to be Simon's girlfriend, probably more than Simon needs her for anything at all, so Terri will protect her interests in any way she can. In this case she persuaded Extra to run an old interview (and we don't know how old it is; it could have been done months ago) to reaffirm her publicly as the frontrunner in Simon's life. Her appearance on AI was exactly the same thing.
If you ask me the whole thing is rather pathetic, especially if Terri has any feelings for Simon at all. Think of it as that popular couple in high school; no matter how many cheerleaders he boffed, she still made him take her to the prom to prove to everyone she was still his girlfriend. We all knew what was going on then, and we know it now.
Go home, Terri. We don't want you here and I don't think Simon cares all that much what you do. You can't salvage this, and the more you try the worse you look. Just go home.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:16 PM [+] ::
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CALL 9-1-1! CALL 9-1-1!
Did you watch Oprah? Didya? Huh? AND YOU ARE STILL CONSCIOUS???
Okay, yes, I took a few hours off work this afternoon to see the show at 4pm, and I will never regret it. OOOHHHH!!! I want to kiss him SO BAD! OH! Even Oprah has fallen under Simon's spell; I should invite her in here. She's one of us now.
In case you missed it, the entire opening segment of Oprah's show today was footage from Simon's episode we didn't get to see. It was all taped after the show when he was talking to the suburban bible study wench. The wench asked Simon to do something he does badly so we'd know he was human (see my last post LOLOL) or if not, something he does well. Simon answered that he kisses well.
Even Oprah wondered just how well. She wouldn't kiss him but admitted she thought about it, then for the rest of the ep (and afterward while they were taping promos for the show) she was still thinking about it.
Honey, we are ALL thinking about it. ALLLLLLL the time.
Ohhhhh... Yeah, I'm pretty much screwed now. Oh.
J
:: happy hour begins at 4:16 PM [+] ::
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With Friends Like These...:: Thursday, April 24, 2003 ::
Hey gang! Happy Friday! I gotta tell ya, I am still in desperate need of a plan, which explains why I passed out at 9:16 last night. I woke up coughing at 9:30 and heard my husband laughing at me, then immediately fell back to sleep. This morning he explained I had been SNORING, an extremely rare activity for me, and woke myself up that way. Well isn't that just the sexiest thing.
On my well-rested way to work this morning I was listening to Kelly's CD (again) and had a laughing fit of my own: I wonder what Simon would say if he knew all of his adoring fans consider "Beautiful Disaster" his theme song? The poor kid! What if that were you? Oh, I see, so all of these women who profess their love and devotion to me on a daily basis think I'm beautiful, but also a hopeless fucking wreck? And these are my FANS? What are the people who HATE me saying?
Actually, I'm quite sure Simon would not want me as his fan. Let's see, not only is there the "Beautiful Disaster" situation but I never cut him any slack in my show recaps, I take him to task for his mistakes, I insult his taste in women (going back to the dark ages), I do math to "out" his professed womanizing as more urban legend than fact, my fanfic heroines fall for him against their better judgement and I write doll site products designed to be funny whether viewers love or hate him.
But God, I love that man. The bad hair days, the intermittent lack of common sense, the white ribbed Armani sweater, the Jesus-God-save-us-all taste in women - it's all good. It's why I love him, why we all do. It's what makes him real.
Well, real in a god-like sort of way...
Have a great Friday, kids! Talk to you soon!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 1:53 PM [+] ::
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Hey Simon - Thanks for Westlife!:: Wednesday, April 23, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I woke up today with the sense that I was completing something, coming to the end of a dark road and getting back to myself. Even though it's a work project that is ending the feeling extends to all of my life, and I thought today might be a good day to regress a little to a simpler time.
Yikes. I should write for Hallmark.
As some of you know the concept of this blog started over at the Prospero boards while I was off work over Christmas. I'd just purchased a Westlife CD and some new Simon pics had just come out, so I was feeling giddy to say the least. I posted a very simple message to Simon in the judges section of the board:
December 23
My God, a boyband. I'm 30 years old and I feel about 16 again! Between Westlife and Simon I'm just a big old mess. That CD goes with me everywhere. Now if I could just get Simon to sing some of those songs to me.... sigh
All right, sorry, I'll go back to being an adult. Maybe.
Julietspeaks
But it didn't end there...
December 24
So I still haven't rejoined my age group, and as proof just consider that I'm replying to my own post on a thread no one else is reading.
I'm even wearing a ponytail - if you knew me you'd be rolling on the floor laughing.
"I'm never gonna say goodbye 'cause I never wanna see you cry..."
Baking bread, tempering chocolate, dancing all over the kitchen while my dogs look on in horror. Oh, it's quite a sight.
Merry Christmas, everyone! Love ya, Simon!
J
After that I just talked to myself for a few days. Eventually some of my friends drifted in (how many of you are still here?) and when I wanted to give it up, ol' Stevo (the board moderator) told me people were actually reading the damned thing! As he put it, I had become part of the "lore" of the boards.
I'd never been lore before. And, I'm not now either (Bolt sucks). But thanks to Jo (woohoo Jo!) I was able to find a new home here at blogspot. Now blogs are popping up all over the place, which is quite comforting to me. It's not good to be the only person in the crowd talking to herself about a man who doesn't know she exists.
Insanity loves company.
So now it's time for me to get back to those basics. I want to remember why I started this in the first place, and I'm starting with a CD in the player and a very simple message to that wonderful man who (still) doesn't know I exist:
Hey Simon - thanks for Westlife!
Julietspeaks
:: happy hour begins at 8:40 AM [+] ::
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A Very Brady Results Show
Hey everybody! Does anyone else have a sudden craving for pork chops and applesauce? Peter does! No wait, Ryan does! Or is it Josh?
Well, it's too bad we don't have the rest of the Brady clan because that would have been fun! What we do have is a pissy Simon, Paula dressed like one of those minimum wage Disneyworld Cinderella characters (minus the cone hat with the veil; if anyone could get me one of those I'd be eternally grateful) and Randy, who is still on my short list of favorite people. We also have Ryan, who really should have shaved; the adolescent patchwork thing won't get you laid with either sex, kiddo. Nope.
On to the ensemble number! WOOHOO!!
When it's time to change (when it's time to change),
Don't fight the tide, go along for the ride,
Don't ya see?
When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange,
Who you are into what you're gonna be.
Sha na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na.
Sha na na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na
Well, that's the song I would have chosen for them. It appears my question about whether or not Diane Warren could write a good song was answered tonight. Oooh.
Look! It's Kelly Clarkson screaming!
Um.
Let's go over to the couch, shall we? I will only say that you could have bought me for a nickel when Cindy and her pigtails made it into the bottom three. Cryin' shame, and a good thing she has Kitty Carryall to love her. After a couple of roadbumps (Ruben and Clay) Ryan shoos Trenyce off the couch, too, and none too soon! Note to reader: When seated where a camera could conceivably look up your skirt, press your knees together and cross your ankles. Were it not for Clay's carefully sculpted hairdo we might have had a good whore moment with the drag queen, and that's not a good thing for a G-rated show. Yikes.
And now for something completely different, it's a Ford commercial starring...Carmen! (It's only fair; even Saddam Hussein knows she's going home tonight and he's been without cable for quite some time now.) Carmen tools around in her T-bird while the chorus line flips burgers in a diner. Prophetic for some, I'm sure.
I think I'll go for a walk outside now,
The summer sun's calling my name, I hear it now.
I just can't stay inside all day,
I've got to get out, gimme some of those rays.
Everybody's smiling (sunshine day),
Everybody's laughing (sunshine day),
Everybody seems so happy today in the sunshine day.
Can't you just feel the psychedelic flowers permeating your brain? Happy times!
After Ryan ushers Josh into the third hot seat we find out Randy wants Carmen off the Hawaiian islands (watch out for tarantulas in your tote bag, dawg!), Paula concurs in the most roundabout way possible and Simon says who the fuck cares, they all suck. Way to pep up the team there, Si.
Fortunately for us Carmen goes in the drink! Buh-bye!
Unfortunately they let her sing her way out.
Fortunately Paula has finally, after one and one-half seasons, figured out how to make Simon dance with her: hug him and sway. (How she made it to 40 without falling under a bus is beyond me.)
Unfortunately for Carmen her swan song is unceremoniously cut off by the 19 Entertainment logo.
But that was fortunate for me, so I'm ready for a drink! Have a great night, everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:57 PM [+] ::
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Cosmic Retribution II:: Tuesday, April 22, 2003 ::
Peter Cottontail has sadly hippity-hopped back down the bunny trail, which means SIMON COWELL+TERRI SEYMOUR (or some combination of terms with the word "girlfriend" thrown in) has reemerged as the pre-eminent search used by googlers who find my site.
By performing that search myself I discovered that in a fitting twist of fate, seekers are getting most of their information on this most critical topic from...me.
Mwa-ha-ha-ha...
:: happy hour begins at 1:38 PM [+] ::
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Return to Cheese Mountain
Hey everyone! Welcome to the Tuesday night recap! Well, not really, because I've decided not to do recaps anymore. Television Without Pity is doing some great stuff - you really should check it out!
Okay Ryan, are you seeing why you looked like a giant penis walking across the stage with the false start thing? Yeeeah. Well, in the absence of gay jokes I suppose they had to kill time somehow. Sigh.
Introducing the judges! First there's Simon, who can't seem to pay any attention to what's happening onstage but who gives us a charming smile anyway after Paula tells him to. On to Paula, about whom Ryan says, "How could you say a bad thing about her?" Obviously Ryan isn't reading the blog here. Finally we have neutered Randy, about whom I have little to say except I like him fine and he's a little pissy tonight. At least one of them is on his game.
And now for the guest! Diane Warren has an impressive pedigree, chock full o' syrup. And that's about it for that.
Somebody sing and save us, dammit!
01 - Kim Locke - If You Asked Me To - There was something distinctly Spruce Goose-ish about Kim tonight. It took her forever to find the song, and once she did she didn't stay airborne very long. I'm quite sad about that because I loves me my Kim, but it doesn't matter anyway - the judges all RAVED about her! Simon's fluffer must be under the table itself tonight because he is all over Kim. You go, girl!
02 - Clay Aiken - I Could Not Ask For More - It is apparent Clay raided Fonzie's closet this week, but his voice sounded amazing tonight. The backup singer pissed me off, though; don't they do a sound check first to find out if the bg guy is going to oversing the star? Also good if bg has an audition first...
A note here - Simon was absolutely hovering over Diane while she was giving Clay her critique (if you can call it that). Is he nearsighted? Anyway, Diane's "I don't do nice" T-shirt went over like a fart in a spacesuit. Ah well. At least I'm not nice...
WOW! Herbal Essences is getting into the in-show ad act? I'll be damned. A few observations here; first, why is it stylists always have the worst freaking hair? Also, whose idea was it to have the child in the group fake an orgasm in the trailer?
While we're on the Clairol wagon, let's talk about Clay's hair for a moment. Clay's hair gets better and better every week; seriously, someone has been very busy performing miracles for that boy. However, put that hair on a Carolina mall rat and he'd be in for a beating. Clay is going to have to win; he certainly can't go home looking like that.
03 - Trenyce - Have You Ever - I swear to God, it's a drag queen impersonating Tamyra Gray! Eek! She sang all right, but the whole time she was singing I was sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for her to pass out. Don't force it, honey; either you have it or you don't.
04 - Josh Gracin - That's When I'll Stop Loving You - I guess we finally have the answer to that age-old question - you know, the one that wakes you up at night? What did Justin Timberlake sound like when he was going through puberty? Just like that, children. I might need therapy after this.
Incidentally, Simon started his own Juliet recap after Josh's performance. I don't know who was channeling whom there, but every word he said came straight off my notepad. You're stealing my material, man! They're gonna lock you up with Trenyce if you don't quit it!
HA! I made my own gay joke! LMAO!
Sorry. Back to the show...
NOOOOOOOO!!!! I wouldn't have eaten all that ice cream earlier if I'd know it was going to come back up like that. Ooohhh... Would someone at Fox like to explain to me why Terri's presence is required at the show at all, let alone why she gets actual camera time? What the hell was that about? NOBODY wants to see her, Fox. It's... It's just not right. Not right at all.
05 - Carmen Rasmusen - Love Will Lead You Back - Carmen sang like ass. Oh. Randy's really pissed off now; I wonder why? Could it be he somehow knew my dinner was coming back up, too? You're such a good friend to me, Randy. I might have to switch allegiances here; you stuck up for me, while it's Simon's fault both Carmen AND Terri are in the house tonight. I'm definitely considering a change of beloved. Oh.
"Time for me to take the audience out for a drink." - Ryan. YOU OWE ME A FUCKING BENDER, GAYDAR! This had better be a looong commercial break because you're going to be making a few trips to the bar, buddy. Better just start a tab for me...
Back from the break, and I don't know what Ryan was talking about because I was still wondering if we had any ginger ale in the house, but suddenly what did I spy with my little eye? Could it be Simon, mouthing the word "Whoopee" into the camera? HA! Okay, I'll stay on your team for now, Simon, but you owe me big time sweetie.
Don't you take that tone with me - I'll kick your everloving ass. Kisses!
Praise the Lord, it's...
06 - Ruben Studdard - Music of My Heart - You know, it doesn't matter what Ruben sings because it always sounds the damn same, but there's a strange sort of comfort in that. He's like a favorite sweater; always soft to the touch, always hits you in all the right spots and keeps you warm at night, none the worse for wear after a few trips through the washer. Thank you, Ruben, for saving what might otherwise have been a disastrous second half of the show. (Clink of wine glass hitting monitor)
So there we have it, folks! Just a word about Diane Warren (on whom Simon bestowed lots of kisses before the cameras cut away): either she's a genius and her songs are unbelievably difficult to sing, or her songs really suck until an uber-talented vocalist gets a hold of them.
Go vote, preferably not for Carmen or Josh, and I'll talk to you soon! Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:52 PM [+] ::
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Is Simon Thinking About YOU?:: Monday, April 21, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! It's a show day - finally! Last night's thing, whatever that Simon-free debacle was, ended up being a Mystery Science Theater 3000 experience for the Speaks - fun! I don't get to relax and just watch the show much anymore, so nice change for me.
Anyway, being a girl (yes, even as a woman sometimes I'm still a girl) I obviously love boys, and a couple of them in particular. A good friend of mine, an all-masculine male with seemingly NO romantic tendencies, sent me an email a few years ago that I kept around for days when I wasn't feeling too loved and I thought I'd reprint part of it here for you. While you're reading, just imagine Simon thinking these things about YOU...
A few reasons guys like girls:
1. They will always smell good even if it's just shampoo
2. They way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. The ease with which they fit into our arms
5. The way they kiss you, all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. They way they take hours to get dressed, but in the end it's all worthwhile
8. They are always warm even when it's -30 outside
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
10. The way they fish for compliments, even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. The way her hand always finds yours
13. The way they smile
14. They way you feel when you see their name on caller ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says, "let's not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later you will be arguing about something
16. The way they kiss you when you do something nice for them
17. They way they kiss you when you say, "I love you"
18. Actually, just the way they kiss you
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. The way they apologize for crying over something that silly
21. They way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. The way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don't admit it)
23. The way they say, "I miss you"
24. The way you miss them
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore
Sigh! Love you, girls!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:39 AM [+] ::
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GOD - I DIDN'T POST THE QUIZILLA PORN STAR RESULT!!
So why are You torturing me with a spider ON ME???
:: happy hour begins at 2:44 PM [+] ::
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Cosmic Retribution:: Saturday, April 19, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I'm sorry I didn't blog yesterday, but you know how holidays go. Imagine my mortification, though, when I realized that the very last entry I left over a religious holiday was about the word, "ass".
But apparently the Big Kahuna has a sense of humor about the ass situation because last night he put me on mine.
I fall a lot. I, Julietspeaks, former dancer and generally semi-graceful person, have fallen (not just "gone down" but actually sailed into the floor) three times in the last six months. Is this normal?
December, 2002: The Rob Petrie Over-the-Ottoman Fall
It wasn't an ottoman but a box of gift wrapping supplies, and I was holding a bowl of potato salad.
Instant Bruise Count: 1
Total Bruises Sustained: 4
Potato Salad: Total Loss
February, 2003: The SloMo One-Two Moon Fall
On gravel, in a skirt, on my way to work. Threw a shoe or something, looked like:
Scrape of Shoe...Pause...Knees Down...Pause...Palms Down
Ended up on all fours with skirt hiked over bottom, displaying pink cotton bikinis for neighbors' inspection. Took me a minute to realize that, and another minute to do something about it.
Instant Cut and Bruise Count: 3
Total Cuts and Bruises Sustained: 7
Time to Next Skirt Wearing: 5 Weeks
And then there was this morning, the...
3AM Scooby-Doo/Levitation Fall
Water on the kitchen floor from dogs' bowl causes cartoon-esque episode with limbs flailing in all directions in sad attempt to maintain balance. Gravity wins. Feet flip up, body is parallel with the floor and I actually have time to think about whether or not I locked the back door before I crash to earth - in the puddle of water.
Instant Bruise Count: 2
Total Bruises Sustained: Too early to tell, est. 5
Question of the day: How in the hell did I bruise my knees if I landed on my back?
So for a few hours after my little escapade I just laid in bed and thought about all the places I hurt that wouldn't have hurt if I'd been a decade younger. Yeah, it was a pity party.
Good thing I didn't blog my Quizilla results yesterday about what type of porn star I'd be. Who knows what punishment God might have dished out for something like that...
Have a great day, everyone! Don't forget, Fox is hosting some sort of AI thing tonight - I didn't pay much attention to what it was because, let's face it, I was going to watch it anyway. Let's just pray we have lots of Simon time!
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:48 AM [+] ::
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Fantasy, Reality and a Three-Letter Word
Happy holiday weekend, everyone! Whether you celebrated Passover, are getting ready for Easter or just enjoyed a few moments to yourself, I hope the weekend has been kind to you!
As long-time sufferers, many of you already know that this here bloglet is my escape from reality. As my title suggests, this is the world I have created for myself, where I make the rules and bend them whenever the hell I please, where Simon Cowell is in love with me and all our most romantic fanfic wishes come true. (Except for the Leanne story - TANGENT ALERT - Have you ever read The Handmaid's Tale or seen the awful movie based on the book? Remember the part when the handmaids descend on the adulterous woman who was pregnant and lost the baby, tearing her to bits with their bare hands? If you are a crazy, potential Simon-stalking fan, think about that scene before you act. Just sayin'.)
Anyway, my fantasy world extends to all my online endeavors - Simon and my worship are in here, and people I actually know are all out there in my real life. When I started on this little odyssey I never expected the two worlds to meet. Well, today, they finally did.
Today, I met HFS, her daughter HFRS (HotForRyanSeacrest) and H, the Wicked, Wicked Bailbondswoman, for lunch.
The day got off to a rocky start, unfortunately. For starters, I overslept. I don't know why I can't hear my alarm clock on the weekends - and that's a lie. I don't hear my alarm during the week either. It takes my husband's alarm, my alarm, my backup alarm and a dog to get me up in the morning. So now you know.
In the tearing around trying to get ready (getting makeup on my shirt and having to change last-minute, finding a cat curled up on the black handbag I'd planned to carry, realizing it's colder than I thought outside and my chosen shoes were no longer appropriate) I discovered my new favorite word:
"My hair looks like ass!"
Mr. Speaks had quite a laugh at that statement (okay, pissy scream) and launched into an exploration of the possible uses for this wonderful word. I wasn't really listening, of course, because of the hair situation, but it came back to me later:
"This traffic sucks ass."
"What kind of ass goes 45 mph in the fast lane on the beltway?"
"I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't get out of this Goddamn lane!"
"McDonald's coffee tastes like ass."
"I'm gonna have to haul ass on 66 if I'm gonna make it on time."
Ass. Good word.
But when I finally arrived at our designated meeting spot (a few minutes early so I had time pee and check my ass-looking hair at a nearby Wendy's before our restaurant opened) the morning's events fell away and I had a wonderful time. At no point did I feel like I was meeting H, H2 and H3 for the first time; it was like I'd known them forever.
And I realized I had. As hard as I've tried to keep my fantasy and real lives separate, I finally realized that it was an impossible task, and one I don't think I'll pursue anymore. This does not mean you are all invited to my house for beer and cheetos, but since you already get the part of me that most of my real life friends and acquaintances rarely see (no, not that; God love HFS for leaving the camera in the car) I'd say you're already ahead of the game anyway. I'll send you a tailgate party pack if you want, though.
And as if to confirm what I'd discovered during my real-life rendezvous with previously "imaginary" friends, I saw a man walking along the side of the road near my house. He was carrying a big, pink Victoria's Secret bag, and it made me smile.
His tie, however, looked like ass.
Virtual and actual hugs and kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 11:12 PM [+] ::
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Save Our Simon:: Friday, April 18, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! Straight off I have to address all my lovely friends who left such supportive shout outs for me yesterday in my time of need: may all you smartasses get Terri Seymour calendars and sugar-free candy in your Easter baskets.
Now on to the action item on today's agenda. As some of you know I am a planner by trade, meaning when the rest of the world is living in the carefree moment I'm already ironing out details for September, 2004. This means I am thinking ahead on your behalf, and the future isn't pretty: Simon is leaving us. I know, I know, if we don't say it out loud then it might not happen. Unfortunately, now is the time we need to take action to make SURE it does not happen.
There is an arrow stuck in my ass, and Cupid shot it. I'm sure we all know by now that Cupid is Simon's new reality series, coming soon to a CBS affiliate near you. Sadly for us, the rumor mill has long since churned out the notion that Simon will return to the UK and host a version of the show there, but he will not host it in the US. We simply cannot allow this.
Obviously Simon Cowell fans everywhere are well aware of the many reasons why we need Simon to stay, but for you blaspheming non-Simon fans let me say five little words which may help you make the decision to assist our efforts: Monica Lewinsky hosting Mr. Personality.
So what do we do? We go straight to the source: click here for the feedback form for cbs.com. Tell CBS that we want Simon - and only Simon - to host Cupid. Tell them why. Put this link on whatever message board you frequent, and get the word out. If there's any chance in hell we can keep our beloved here where he belongs, this is going to be it.
And just think: if we can't get Simon on Cupid and the other networks have already scraped the bottom of the hosting barrel with Monica Lewinsky, how bad is this going to get?
Talk to you soon!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:35 AM [+] ::
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I Have Not the Words:: Thursday, April 17, 2003 ::
Hello, everyone! It's Good Friday, and I'm finally off work for an entire day! I woke up this morning with a grand plan involving reams of fanfic-covered pages and maybe a blog entry about Crest Whitestrips, but there is a problem.
I have nothing to say.
I'm sure some of you will recognize this as the dreaded "writer's block", but it's bigger than that. Not only am I having trouble writing, but I'm hard pressed even to speak today. Over brunch this morning I happily followed my husband's stream of consciousness rendition of the past week's events and a story about a guy they called "the bat" in college. It felt good to float and not swim, until he fixed me with a concerned look and asked if I was sick or something. I laughed but didn't answer him. He's been babying me ever since.
Nice side effect.
But I chalked it up to the comfort of a happy marriage and went on about my morning. It wasn't until my friend called around noon to ask for some advice on her latest dating disaster that I realized this was a serious situation: I had no opinion for her. She hastily asked me to put my husband on the phone and from what I could tell from his side of the conversation they think I may have had a nervous breakdown or a stroke. I expect my doctor will be calling shortly, though I have no interest in speaking with him.
I have no interest in speaking at all. This is big news. My mother will tell you I never shut up as a kid, which should surprise no one. My brilliant younger sister (Lola in the shouts) was a terribly quiet child, so much so that my parents feared she couldn't talk, until the day I went off to kindergarten. My mother delivered me to Mrs. Davis' classroom, then put 3-year-old Lola in her carseat and asked her what she wanted to do next. Imagine her shock when Lola replied, "Let's go shopping."
Nobody needs to talk when Juliet is around. It's just a rule.
Well, crap then. How am I going to blog when I can't even think of words I would want to say if my pantyhose caught fire? It shames me to say it and I'll probably go back and delete this entry to cover my transgression, but I finally resorted to the lowest of the low: I went to blogideas.com.
Fear the silence.
So here's the generic blog idea du jour: If I die today.. How would it happen?
I don't think so. I hope you all have a wonderfully wordy day! Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 2:11 PM [+] ::
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Sorry, I Have to Vent
I know I just blogged and all, but I've just been reminded of my biggest pet peeve lately: a holier than thou attitude.
My office is crawling with beautiful people, so no big deal. But one of our new junior project managers is, in no uncertain terms, a goddess. This does not bother me.
What bothers me is she's a big ball of snot. Big. HUGE. She looks down her nose at everyone else (which isn't hard to do - she's easily eight inches taller than I am) and won't speak to you unless she has to. When she does speak, you realize she is not shy or anything forgivable like that - she's just bitchy.
Every woman here understands what this is about, but because a male reader might not let me spell it out: this is not about jealousy. This is about common human decency. I don't want anything she has. I don't need to be a goddess - I have my own weapons in that war, thank you. So why is she convinced she's better than everyone else?
Ah well. In a few years the wrinkles will start and she'll have to learn a few things. I would feel sorry for her, but...no.
K, thanks. I'm done now :)
J
:: happy hour begins at 8:56 AM [+] ::
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A Nice Spring Rain:: Wednesday, April 16, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! It's raining over here in the nation's capital, which means some things are inevitable:
It is my first good hair day all week. (Or at least it was until I went outside.)
At least one muddy dog saw fit to jump up on me, prompting a wardrobe emergency.
Millions of otherwise gorgeous cherry blossoms are stuck to everything like wet confetti.
The automatic headlights on my car couldn't decide whether to be on or off, so they just flickered for a while. Chrysler should check that out; someone could have a seizure...
My big umbrella was at work and the one in my car was accidentally left there by a friend's daughter, which means a giant ladybug escorted me to work this morning.
That umbrella was kind of fun.
I don't really mind this kind of rain. These are the big, fat drops that signal an impending storm and it isn't too cold outside. I'm hoping for the power to go out at work so I can go home early! (Not really, because that would mean taking all this work home for the long weekend, but at least I'd be in my pajamas longer.)
Okay, back to the grindstone. Fortunately I have Kelly Clarkson along for the ride now - I really like this CD, kids. It's my new favorite! Of course it has a Simon song on it - "Beautiful Disaster". Sigh.
Have a great day, everyone! Hugs!
Juliet
PS - I know a lot of people have initiated weblogs in the last week or so - WOOHOO!! (Just call me Typhoid Mary. LOL) Anyway, if you'd like to link to me you are certainly welcome to do so. If you'd like a link to you on my site, just let me know!
:: happy hour begins at 8:40 AM [+] ::
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Ride Sally, Ride!
You know, I almost don't care about writing a recap tonight, because SALLY IS EL-GONE-O! Send up a Hallelujah chorus for me, kids! I am having the BEST TIME!
Ah well, duty being what it is and all I'll post my snotty comments for you. I guess it wouldn't be Wednesday night without a little trash from me! Oh, and from Ryan, too, of course.
Ryan is PISSED tonight. Perhaps he is more attached to the imaginary Extra correspondent than we thought. Don't worry, Ryan - Terri got more screen time than Simon did tonight thanks to you. Between that and these cramps o' mine I was bracing myself for the worst thirty minutes in television history. But then I remembered country crap night, and I got some perspective.
Simon is in white, Paula's shirt is NOT dolphin safe and Randy looks like he's joined the clergy. End of judges' segment? Damn. Whose idea was it to do a judgecam with pic-in-pic for all eps? Do you think if we flooded Fox with emails we might have a shot at that?
Ensemble number: "For the Longest Time." Appropriate, considering the girls were murdering the lyrics and weren't singing all that well. That song drags when Billy himself sings it, so I'm not sure why they decided to lay it on us. More Terri backlash? Is she sleeping with Nigel, too, or maybe Kim Jong-il Ken?
Thank God for commercials, and one in particular: Toys R Us bunnies singing Peter Cottontail again! I love it! This time I keep listening and find the nugget from Geoffrey - "All right! All right! We'll have a big Easter sale! Just make them stop!" Ah, truth in advertising at last...
Back to the show, just so Ryan can initiate another teenager-only AT&T wireless vote thingy, though he never manages to ask the question. What is it we're voting on? Most annoying person? Simon, Ryan or Spongebob Squarepants - you decide!
But Ryan is still pissy; having botched the question there he then turns it on with, "Just sit there and be quiet." Oooh, burn! Or not.
But things are about to get better, kids! I knew this ep had to turn around at some point! Sally goes to the bottom three, and Paula mouths "I can't believe it." I'm sure you wonder why we all think you're an idiot, Paula. Borrow the alien earrings back from Sally and have the Great Kazoo explain it to you.
Then Carmen goes down! Hey, America - we're finally starting to see the light! Go, us!
Go, Speed Racer! Anime Clay got his very own Ford commercial! My Midol has really worn off now, so I don't feel the least bit bad saying Ford needs to get somebody other than their sophomore intern to write these ads. Shudder.
Back from that nightmare, we find out Trenyce is also in the bottom three. She quickly climbs out again, though not before we find out the east coast has decided the answer to tonight's AT&T question is Ryan (41%), with Spongebob getting 34% of the vote and Simon raking in his 25%. WAIT! I think I've figured it out! We easterners choose the answer, then Alex Trebek comes out on the west coast to get people to vote on the question! AHA! Smarter than the average bear, I am.
And now, the time has finally come: SALLY gets the axe - and nobody cries (though I'm sure Julia Demato is bouncing out of her peasant blouse). Even her mother has no tears for this event, which should tell us all something. It's okay; Sally and Puppet Adams can ride off into the sunset knowing they're both losers. Sometimes inequality leads to trouble in relationships, so I'm glad this one worked out for the kids.
"God Bless the USA" makes a reappearance, presumably because the kids were too taxed with the opening number to learn another one (or because their second tune was so incredibly bad Ford forbade them to sing it), and we get to change the channel secure in the knowledge that Sally is no more.
It's the end of an era.
Next week: Carmen jumps five Ford Foci on a Coca-Cola Harley! Tune in for the fun!
'Night, all!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:42 PM [+] ::
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Breaking Up is Not That Hard to Do:: Tuesday, April 15, 2003 ::
Oh, Simon. Tsk tsk tsk. If I didn't love you and hate the imaginary Extra correspondent I'd be furious with you right now. As it is, you deserve a smack on the back of the head, dear.
I'll give you a cookie afterward, though.
Yes, girls, in case you hadn't heard Simon was spotted last night in a restaurant making out with some chick who used to be married to somebody famous. They made no attempt to hide their PDA, which leads me to believe it's either a college, drunk-in-a-bar sort of thing, or he was making a deliberate statement about his relationship with Terri. The former, who hasn't done that? I once had the pleasure of dragging a friend out of bar at closing time, forcing her off the lap of a hideous little man with a rattail while she tried to bite me. (Which was payback for the week before when I...did something equally not nice. LOL)
But if it is the latter, if Simon is trying to publicly rid himself of his icky live-in, there are certainly better ways to do so. Trust me; before I was married I had the displeasure of breaking off many a relationship. There are LOTS of ways to do this.
"I think we should see other people/I still want to be friends/it's not you, it's me."
"Let's get married."
"I'm gay."
"Get out, you gold-digging whore."
Well, that last one is what I would tell her on Simon's behalf. Hey, I am all for honesty.
AND creativity:
"Your awful mop of hair is clogging up the drain in my shower, and since I just bought the house and all..."
"I bought new batteries for your vibrator. Happy Easter!"
"My mother is moving in tomorrow. Isn't that great?"
"I love this new house. The guest house out back is all yours, honey."
"You are an enabler, Terri; if I'm going to keep from becoming an alcoholic you're going to have to get the fuck out of my eyeline."
See? Lots of ways, and you wouldn't have had to suck face with some girl in a restaurant. Not that it wasn't fun and all, but even Cousin It deserved to have her bangs cut away from her eyes in a nicer way than by a reporter spotting you with your tongue rammed down someone else's throat. Bad form, darling.
I'll still give you a cookie, though.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:17 PM [+] ::
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I Swear, I Didn't Drink This Week!
But maybe I should have because tonight's show has confused the hell out of me. I'm not sure what to do. I wonder if we have any of that merlot left...
Let me sum up the opening sequence for us all, just so we're all on the same page. First off, Paula is wearing a prom dress. Actually, it's more of a junior high Christmas dance dress made for overdeveloped eighth graders, and that confuses me. Plus, it was silver and shiny. I'm already in trouble.
Just as I'm able to tune out the Paula problem, Ryan has to bring up that US mag sexy-man poll I blogged about this morning, which is fine because Simon gives us a very cute face-covering moment. He's so freaking adorable! But, Ryan? Spongehead Highpants? I - I don't really know what to say about that. It takes a lot to shut me down, and Ryan has just done it. An hour later I'm still incapable of response.
Okay, judges aside, what's the theme already? Wait, what? I'm sorry, I didn't hear that, could you please repeat that? Oh. That's what I thought you said. Okay, so the songs are by Billy Joel, but the never-blinking Smokey Robinson is the guest judge?
Let's just take a moment on that, shall we?
Moment taken.
01 - Sally - Still Rock & Roll To Me - "What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing?" Everything, Sally. Karaoke night has begun! Would somebody please pass me the pretzels?
02 - Ruben Studdard - Just the Way You Are - You all know how much I love Ruben, but everybody has an off night, and this is his. Have you seen the excruciating commercials for Rod Stewart's CD full of Frank Sinatra covers? (If not, just think about that combination for a moment and you'll be right there with me.) Unfortunately Ruben reminds me of those. Fortunately, his performance isn't as long as that commercial. I'm sorry, Ruben. Not your night.
The shippers do have a great moment here when Simon tells Paula she has a beautiful voice. Make copies of this tape, girls - you will never hear that again.
03 - Kim Locke - New York State of Mind - I just love this girl's voice, and tonight she is really outdoing herself. Go, Kim! And LOOK! Smokey BLINKED! Kim even made the great wax man himself show some expression, and THAT, my friends, is making the mountain come to you.
04 - Carmen Rasmusen - And So (She) Goes - hopefully tomorrow night. If Carmen were a smart bomb she would have detonated herself. And Carmen, a word of advice: NEVER LET PAULA DRESS YOU.
05 - Josh Gracin - Piano Man - When I was a freshman in college I dated a boy named Charles, who lived in a fraternity house. Whenever they had a party, the last song of the night was always Piano Man. Everyone left would gather back in the main hall and sing this song at the top of our lungs. Our shoes stuck to the floor but we didn't really mind, because it was four in the morning and we were all trashed.
At least we sounded better than Josh.
06 - Trenyce - Baby Grande - I have no words for this. It was all right. However, we do find out after her performance that Simon has once again mutilated his pen. I want to be that pen. Or the Coke cup; I'd be that, too. Ryan wants to be the microphone when Trenyce sings, which is just about as bad as "Spongehead Highpants" when you consider T's huge mouth always looks as though it's on the edge of swallowing the mic.
I told you I think Trenyce is a transvestite.
07 - Clay Aiken - Tell Her About It - When Billy Joel says to think "Diana Ross" when singing this song, I guess it was an obvious pick for Clay. I love Clay, too, but not with the Don Johnson impersonation. Paula, you need to stay out of the kids' dressing rooms, okay? Pretty please?
And now...Simon: "I prefer you when I shut my eyes." As if that weren't bad enough, Ryan follows him right into the abyss with a comment about preferring Simon when he closes his eyes.
Look, I already get site hits from people looking for Clay fanfic. You just had to go there, didn't you? You had to make things worse by encouraging people to look for Simon/Ryan/Clay slash fic. You couldn't leave well enough alone.
So we end the evening on as confusing a note as it began. A guest judge who doesn't blink and who is completely irrelevant for the genre du jour, a few penis references and Simon taking the pants off the Spongebob doll, showing the doll's underwear and saying, "Now that's sexy."
My wine glass is half empty, which in Juliet's world means WHERE THE HELL IS MY WAITER?
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:46 PM [+] ::
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Yeah, I Know:: Monday, April 14, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I'm sorry I wasn't around yesterday, and I know I owe some people some emails and fanfic feedback. I'll be right with you, I promise! It's that damn lack of plan again - I think I may have even pilled the wrong cat this morning.
Somebody's gonna have an interesting day at the Speaks house.
So I meant to mention this yesterday (and got sidetracked): apparently there is a blip in US magazine ranking celebs on their sex appeal, based on person-on-the-street type interviews. I haven't seen the piece myself, but I understand the results were: Justin Timberlake 9.32, Brad Pitt 8.46, Lorenzo Lamas 7.18, 50 Cent 7.08, SpongeBob SquarePants 5.18, AND LAST Simon Cowell 4.78. We also know he's made the 100 Worst Brits list (remember that Anne Robinson debacle from a few blogs back? That.).
At first I was incensed; what the hell is WRONG with people? SpongeBob (and let's not forget the ever-tragic Lorenzo Lamas), sexier than Simon? Simon right up there as most hated with Anne Robinson? Gah! How much ranting can one woman do without coffee?
But then I remembered: Nikki McKibbon made the top 3 and Carmen and Sally are still in the competition.
So basically people are stupid.
Don't worry, Simon dear - this is why we have a representative and not direct democracy. Since our founding fathers were able to look into the future and see we'd all be idiots, you should probably just take their word for it.
Have a great day, everyone! I'll see you tonight!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:33 AM [+] ::
...
I've seen monkey shit fights at the zoo more organized than this! -- The Replacements:: Saturday, April 12, 2003 ::
Yep! That right there is the story of my life lately. At work I am Organized Planner Goddess. At home? I couldn't even manage to blog today (which, by the time I'm done with it it'll be tomorrow, so yesterday). Sorry about that, folks.
Yes, I am overcommitted (as opposed to simply committed, which is probably what would happen to me if Simon ever blundered in here and read about my fantasy where he whispers in my ear while we dance to Westlife songs in the living room). I need a plan. I might have to buy a plan off someone getting out of the "fan" business, but one way or another I'm going to get a damn plan!
This plan would include time for the blog, time for enjoying other peoples' blogs, time for the doll site, time for the "coming soon" site (teehee!), time for the message boards, time for the fanfic board and time for my own fanfic writing.
Wow. I didn't realize my plan would need so many bullet points.
See, this is what happens when I try to write fanfic with hungover heroines and Barry Manilow guest spots. Not good.
Okay, sorry, I got sidetracked into something else (GO TO BED, HFS!!!) so this will definitely show up as a tomorrow entry. PLAN!
All right, the reason I am blogging at all is that I haven't addressed Avril Savard's shout out yet, and I need to do that. I am so amazed and proud of you all that you took her message in stride. I love you guys! So here's the deal...
Avril and I have exchanged a few emails, and while I cannot say she is who she says she is (the name is not real) there is no evidence at this time to suggest she is not legitimate. That being said, I'll tell you her description of Simon supports what I've suspected from the start. I will not repeat it here because, again, we'll never know if she is "real" or not, but you all know how I feel about Simon so there really is no need for me to post it again.
To date, Avril has asked only for information she could have procured on her own, or which I would give to any fan who emailed me. She does not wish to lurk or be "public" in our community, so you should not run across her online anywhere.
If the situation should change I will let you know. Until then, I am treating her as I would any other Simon devotee. If you have any questions please let me know.
Now, I am off to see a man about a plan...
J
:: happy hour begins at 12:20 AM [+] ::
...
By Popular Demand
The good news: The number of people who reach my site by searching for SIMON COWELL + TERRI SEYMOUR has been overtaken! We have a new champion!
The bad news: The new winner would be searches for TOYS R US PETER COTTONTAIL LYRICS.
Lyrics provided by niehs.nih.gov. I'll post them here for my adoring public, but if you don't click on the link and go to the site you won't have the pleasure of hearing some drunk, rhythm-less guy playing the tune on an old Casio keyboard. It really is worth the trip.
Here Comes Peter Cottontail
Here comes Peter Cottontail
Hoppin' down the bunny trail,
Hippity hoppity,
Easter's on its way
Bringin' ev'ry girl and boy
A basketful of Easter joy
Things to make your Easter
Bright and gay
He's got jelly beans for Tommy
Colored eggs for sister Sue
There's an orchid for your mommy
And an Easter bonnet too. Oh!
Here comes Peter Cottontail
Hoppin' down the bunny trail
Hippity hoppity
Happy Easter Day
Here comes Peter Cottontail
Hoppin' down the bunny trail
Look at him hop and listen to him say,
"Try to do the things you should"
Maybe if you're extra good
He'll roll lots of Easter eggs your way
You'll wake up on Easter morning
And you'll know that he was there
When you find those choc'late bunnies
That he's hiding ev’rywhere,
Oh!
Here' comes Peter Cottontail
Hoppin' down the bunny trail
Hippity hoppity
Happy Easter Day.
Happy early Easter, people!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 6:03 PM [+] ::
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Phobic Thirtysomething Female Seeking Licensed Hypnotherapist for Long-Term Relationship:: Friday, April 11, 2003 ::
There is a spider in my car.
Thinking I'd be saving myself some trouble I stop off at the Dunkin' Donuts drive-through for a late-morning caffeine hit. (My coffee maker and I are not exactly on the best of terms right now, for reasons better left unexplained.) Too lazy to leave the car I place my order - one extra large coffee, black, no fancy stuff - into the little box and a polite voice asks me to please drive around. Good so far.
I pull up to the window and continue singing along to my favorite Robbie Williams song (which always reminds me of Simon, as does everything else in my life lately) and wait for my coffee. And that's when I see it.
"It" is a microscopic white spider climbing its way along a bit of silk, strung right across the drive-through window.
After a moment of considerable panic I chide myself for being "girlie". Deep breaths, Juliet; the thing is a foot away from you through glass! (Yeah, I closed the window. Fuck off.) Okay, it's made it to the other side and is climbing up the building. No sweat. I'm in here, it's out there, no big deal.
I glance up to see the Dunkin' Donuts guy staring at me like he's afraid I'm going to shoot him or something. I smile awkwardly and roll down the window to pay him off and get my fix.
He hands my coffee through the window, snagging the spider's silk and delivering both - WITH SPIDER STILL ATTACHED - straight into my car.
I manage not to scream; instead I throw the money at him, speed off into a parking spot and bolt from the car.
The spider, for its part, has hustled itself into the crack into which the window is rolled down.
PLAN A: With car door WIDE open and Juliet outside of car, roll up window and smash spider with cute shoe.
No spider.
PLAN B: Scour car VISUALLY with Juliet STILL outside of car, looking for spider to smash with aforementioned cute shoe.
No spider.
At this point I realize I am drawing a crowd. I'm parked diagonally across three parking spaces with the door wide open, one shoe on foot and the other in hand. I'm sure the look on my face isn't helping. I wonder briefly if anyone has called the nuthouse yet and decide I need to move along.
With a weak smile to my fans I manage to slide into the car without screaming or touching any surface unnecessarily, put the car in gear and speed away.
Ten minutes of:
-- No radio (maybe I'll be able to hear the spider coming)
-- Windows up and sunroof closed (to reduce chances that MORE spiders will get in)
-- Eyes darting furtively around the car's interior (and rarely at traffic)
-- Intermittent screaming when bits of lint float into view
Home. Run from the car leaving everything except my handbag (and coffee, of course; I do have my priorities straight) in said car for spider to look through at his leisure. Bolt for house. Unlock door, enter house, lock door from inside, tear off all clothing and leave on kitchen floor, run into living room.
Breathe.
Blog.
I guess my other errands will have to wait until my husband comes home tonight. If he can't find the spider I'll just have to sell the car.
Tsk. Pity.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 11:25 AM [+] ::
...
What'll Ya Have?
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all accounts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Lackey, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste, knows exactly what she wants
Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she's interested she'll send YOU a drink
Drink: Wine
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she's classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue
Approach: Maker her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target!
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk -- and naked
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to piss her off
THE MALE ADDENDUM
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid
Wine: He's hoping the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid
Whiskey: He couldn't care less about anything except maybe getting laid
Tequila: He thinks he has a chance with the toothless waitress
White Zinfandel: He's gay
Editorial Note: Based on personal experience and my keen powers of observation I have to say, they nailed it. I'm a mixed drink girl out and a wine girl in or at select establishments (because I'm too picky about my wine faves to order just anything). I'll drink beer if I'm watching football. My friends... Well, let's just say the bartenders are correct and leave it at that.
So next time you're in a bar looking for companionship remember the rules! If you're looking for a nice man with good taste and some money, pass on the snakebites and upside-down margaritas. If you're just looking for a quickie don't even ask for the shot menu - just ask for a trip around the world.
Don't have the concrete mixer, though. I think we all know why.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 2:34 PM [+] ::
...
Things I Don't Understand:: Thursday, April 10, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! Well, I think I've figured out what happened to my "lost time" yesterday. I was mesmerized by yesterday's pic of the day. I know this because it's already happened again this morning.
Oh my.
So here's something I don't understand. My company is being sold and there's some sort of bidding war going on. These are tough economic times not only for the nation, but for my company as well; we're still making money hand over fist but nowhere near projections. Be that as it may, every time one of the buying groups comes in (or their auditors, or their lawyers, or what the hell ever) we pick them up from the airport in limos, put them up in the nicest hotels within easy distance and cater all of their meals. I'm sure all of this makes us look extremely successful as a company, but isn't it the buyer's money we are ultimately spending? Yeah, I love to be pampered but if I'm paying the bills it's just not the same.
I also don't understand why my right breast hates this bra so much. It keeps trying to escape. DOWN, GIRL!
AND, somebody emailed the doll site a question and I'm hoping we can come to some sort of consensus on this: why DID Simon wax his chest hair in Barbados? Somehow I don't think it really was a lost bet on a good transvestite.
And one more thing: how is it that at 31 years old, I am still unable to remember that when I wear these particular shoes, I shock the living crap out of myself EVERY TIME I TOUCH MY OFFICE DOORKNOB?
Ah, the secrets of the universe.
Have a great day, everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:43 AM [+] ::
...
Pushing the Boundaries of Lateness:: Wednesday, April 09, 2003 ::
"I ran out of gas! I got a flat tire! I didn't have change for cab fare! I lost my tux at the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!" -- Jake Blues, The Blues Brothers
Where did this day go? I swear, I can't for the life of me figure out what I've been doing all day. I have vague recollections of a tiara and an endless river of coffee, but when I visualize my To Do list from this morning it seems like that happened last Monday. What day is it, anyway?
In any case, I'm here now with a great JackieLynn tidbit in hand! What a goddess you are, JL, that you managed to find a single Simon reference in a discussion of the resurgence of chest hair! LMAO! You can read the complete article here, but the gist is chest hair is coming back into vogue and Simon - for the first, and possibly last, time in his life - is mentioned as a fashion trendsetter. Here's to hoping Simon sees this article and we don't have a repeat of the Barbados waxing fiasco next Christmas!
Speaking of hairless men, I know I promised you a recap of my father's strange French experience last week, and I managed to get it in his own words! I will now turn over my blog to Dad Speaks:
...I returned last night from my first visit to Toulouse, France in about 15 years. Other than the usual meetings full of arguments, I had an experience Saturday night that can only be described as surreal. It turns out my French counterpart, Pierre, plays guitar (as I do) and he owns a couple of Fender guitars (as I do). His country & western band (he always laughs when he says that) was playing at a local village so I went to listen. It was in a VFW-type hall where the lights are a little too bright and the walls are painted concrete blocks - you know the type. The surreal part was 400 French people dressed in cowboy hats, boots, and western-wear line-dancing to Hank, Garth, and all the rest while being surrounded by more American flags than I have ever seen in one room. Little plastic American flags on strings on the walls; American flags used as centerpieces on the (folding) banquet tables; a stylized American flag made out of balloons behind the band; and kids running around waving their American flags. I was introduced as "Dad Speaks! Pierre's friend from America!", got applause, and I played "Blue Suede Shoes" with the band. The band was very professional, they could be a front band for almost anyone, and they had a good clean sound so I had a great time and I couldn't mess them up too badly even though I never played the song before and, yes, I took a solo ... like I was going to get a chance like this ever again?
A bunch of people in Southern France having fun on a Saturday night with their friends and families, and not one of them having a problem with Americans, even when my "hello" sounds more like "bonjer". You'd like these people.
Take that, Jacques! LOL
I'm going to sign off and wander over to the fanfic board; I've been remiss in my glowing feedback responsibilities and need to do some catching up! There are some fantastic new stories over there, so if you haven't visited us yet please stop by! If you have been over there you'll notice that I'm perpetually signed on, though it isn't always true. I don't know what that's about, but I'm not worried. If you think I'm over there you won't notice me sneaking around somewhere else ;)
Have a great night, everyone! Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:43 PM [+] ::
...
Hercules Loses His Bad Hat
Hello, everyone! Twenty-one million votes, a Wilt Chamberlain reference and Kelly Clarkson's new single, all crammed into a measly 30 minutes? Let's get to it!
First off, where did the extra seven million votes come from? That's a 50% jump over last week! That's seven million stupid people who should have gone to bed early. (This is a blog, not the newspaper; I don't aspire to be objective. Sue me for my handbag collection.)
Speaking of fools, how about Ryan Seacrest tonight, folks! The new 'do is growing on me, but I'm never sure what to think of the quips flying out of his perfectly painted mouth. Wilt Chamberlain as Simon Cowell. Hmmm. This could be a reference to Simon's Napoleonic complex, or it could be a remark about Simon's reputation as a humpmaster. I'm having a flashback to an old blog entry about the driver dressed as a bunny, and Simon's alleged number of sexual partners. High estimate: 100. Years of service: 25. Average: 4 sexual partners per year.
So, it was a height joke.
He's certainly happy with that number, though, since he's acting like a hyperactive little boy here, waving vigorously for the camera! How adorable! (Yes, we're back to that word again. Sorry.) Happy Simon is in the house tonight! Rock on!
The kids get in on the act with an ensemble rendition of "All Night Long", bringing up the amount of time Simon spent with his arm over Paula's chair. Shippers, you've gotta be loving this! Anyway, watching the kids sing together I notice that Ruben has moved back to Alabama and Josh's clapping looks spray-starched, but overall things go well. I'm okay with this. I am NOT okay with Sally's fashion risk this evening; I might even rename her Jeannie in honor of the those pants.
Daa da, da da di daa da...
Ah, the original! Kelly Clarkson pays us a visit! Christ that movie looks stupid, but I can't wait to spend my last $20 on her new CD. I loved the new single, "Miss Independent", though the husband had to leave the room. Sigh. I guess that's what headphones are for.
And now, back to the show. It's time to swing the axe, though Simon looks for all the world like he's having the time of his life! Either he already knows the result or he just doesn't care. Again, fluffer back? Sweet!
We find out after a rapid-fire recap that Kim Locke, Sally and Rickey are in the bottom three.
Note to America: WHAT?? Sally, yes. Carmen? Why is Carmen's barely legal butt still sitting on the damn couch? Are you all just plain TONE DEAF? The only thing I can think to say here is, "If I have to stop this car..."
Jesus.
Adding insult to injury, let's market Ruben and Carmen under the guise of a freakish, poorly-made Ford commercial! Whatever that little interlude was, it scared me. Quite a bit, actually. I might have nightmares of women in red dresses plunging off balconies to their deaths. I wonder if I should watch a Freddy Krueger movie or something before bed, just to help me settle down. Yikes.
Wait! It's okay! The white bunny Toys R Us commercial is on! Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail, hippety, hoppety, Easter's on its way!
I feel better now. Thanks.
So, back to Kim, Sally and Rickey for the big finish. Kim gets sent back to the couch, of course; I think she just doesn't have the fan base she needs to go all the way, though she certainly has the talent. I think lumping in last week's votes hurt her, too.
This leaves Sally and Rickey. This SHOULD be a no-brainer, but the moment they announce Rickey is going out to pasture I swear, one of my cats fell off the couch. At least I think that's what happened; I heard a THUD and the dogs ran like someone dropped a hot dog. I'm just connecting the dots. I didn't actually witness the event because my eyes glazed over and I lost the power of rational thought for a moment.
Sally gets to stay.
So, we watch another horrid montage (which makes it seem like he DIED) as the better contestant says goodbye, Paula throws her arm around Simon in a comforting gesture and we all file silently out of the auditorium.
Those extra seven million voters really weren't invited.
BUT, happy Simon? Love YOU!
Have a great night everyone! See you tomorrow!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:37 PM [+] ::
...
It's Official - New Fanfic Site!:: Tuesday, April 08, 2003 ::
Hey gang! After a trial run with you all, I've decided to permanently move the Stealing Simon's Heart fanfiction board. As always, you can link to it from the left hand toolbar, or click here. Not all of the old stories have migrated yet, but some new ones have been started, so come for a visit and stay a while!
Thanks for your patience through all this crap with Yahoo. I don't know what happened there, but whatever it was it left a crater a mile wide. I've closed the old board to new posts - not like you could get them to show up anyway - so we're pretty much done with that.
If you have the board linked from your site, please don't forget to change the link.
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:01 PM [+] ::
...
Shippers and Fluffers and Hits, Oh My!
Hey kids! Another week, another recap! One whole hour of damn fine entertainment - and there were singers, too! Nice! This week we were treated to a rundown of Billboard's #1 hits, which is a recipe for disaster if ever I heard one. Fortunately for us all (though not so fortunately for my blog), the Titanic did NOT sink this time and Kim Jong-il stayed on his side of the line - mostly. How else do you explain Simon's mood?
Hold on, I'm getting ahead of myself here. First we need to discuss Ryan's new haircut. Um. Okay!
So the kids take a field trip to Billboard's LA headquarters and I start having flashbacks about my morning staff meeting. Actually it looks more like a job interview, with perfectly attentive looks and genuinely innocuous questions asked with the proper faces in frame. Too bad Carmen didn't have that time back to practice.
The judges! Well, we have Randy with eight #1 hits, Paula with six #1 hits and Simon, who we just happen to like better than anyone else so who the hell cares? It's obvious right off the bat that happy Simon is here again, so three cheers for his fluffer! Hip, hip, hooray! I'm glad they got her back in the budget because the nights were looking a bit cold from here the last few weeks. WOOHOO! Cute boy has returned!
With him comes Lionel Ritchie, our guest judge du jour. The King of Velveeta looks suspiciously like all the credit cards sacrificed to the god of BMG music club's collections department were melted into cosmetic surgery implants, but I suppose that's what stars must do to survive these days. The best part about Lionel Ritchie is HE IS NOT SEATED BETWEEN SIMON AND PAULA! We all know how much I hate the P/S combination, but for you shippers out there I will freely admit that could be part of Simon's happiness this evening. Well, that and the fluffer.
Let's sing, shall we?
01 - Clay Aiken - Ryan had it just right: the whole time Clay was singing I was picturing the Keaton's kitchen and Michael P. planting a good one on his girlfriend. Seeing as how I was a kiss-less child at that time it was the highlight of my romantic life back then, so good memories all around. At first I wasn't pleased to have a new voice (even one I love as much as Clay's) on one of my fave memory songs, but still, MJ Fox taking a girl's face in his hands and kissing her like we girls only wish we would be kissed? Sigh... Anyway, while Paula is giving her critique did you notice Simon doing his very best Snoopy Red Baron from-the-top-of-the-dog-house impersonation?
Sample #2 of Happy Simon occurs here. Teehee! Kissing Song + Happy Simon = Swoony Juliet
Back from the commercial break and lookie here! It's Jim Verraros in the losers' row! Where is Sally's puppet JD... Must be around there somewhere...
02 - Kim Locke - My Heart Will Go On and on and on as I vote for this sweetheart. Her voice makes me close my eyes, so I'm sorry if I missed any P/S cuddle time in there. Mmmmhhhh...
So who forgot Randy's fluffer? Did Simon get her? Is that why Randy has slammed both Clay and Kim L.? Bad Randy! I don't care all that much, though - the P/S banter looks to be returning after a dark hiatus and Simon might be drunk. Hand check!
03 - Ricky Smith - Endlesslove, eh? Isn't that a Lionel Ritchie tune, and didn't RS do this last week with an EW&F song when Little Richard was the guest judge? Brown noser, I guess. That or just incredibly stupid. (Exhibit A for stupid would be the mugger stocking cap that's just a little crooked; maybe with S. Bob gone RS took over the bad hat gimmick.) He sang well though; at least Simon thought so.
Somewhere backstage there is an empty amaretto bottle.
Along about this time paranoia starts to set in at the Speaks household. Did you know that the very first time I've ever said anything on this blog about P/S being separated by the guest judge as a harmful thing was this past weekend? I'd like to see Simon naked, frankly. Or, since they have a G rating (is that still true?) he could just tell me he loves me. I'd be happy with that.
04 - Sally - Ruining Bryan Adams for me. I was going to write something witty here about a meat grinder, or an organ grinder or both or something, but I'm at a total loss. The kelp dress has thrown me. Find a note there, Polly. Oh, and I hear Burger King is hiring.
05 - Josh Gracin - It's America's #1 hick! Okay, sorry, he was much, much better than last week, but God I hate country music. God. I only hope this doesn't turn into a genre war with the voters, country v. everyone else in the free world. I'll be pissed if we end up with a hick. Just sayin'. If I liked country I'd probably be screaming, "Go, Chris Gaines!" but I'm not so I won't.
06 - Carmen Rasmussen - Ah, she is the point of the show, right? At least at this point it's all about who's going to get voted off next, and this chick certainly gets the nod from me. It's a high school talent show with no wardrobe budget.
I'm also ready to beat the piss out of her because Mad Simon has returned! Where the hell did the fluffer go? Get away from Randy! Nobody's listening to him anyway! You can't just level blue balls at our beloved and NOT give him some relief! Go take care of that!! Geez! It's so difficult to find good help these days...
07 - Trenyce - Power of Love. I adore this song; it's probably one of my all-time faves and it has sentimental value for me, so I was all ready to hate the shoplifting wonder for singing it. HOWEVER, I thought she did great! They could have brought in something other than an old Casio keyboard to accompany her, but I suppose that would be too much to ask.
Simon? Did you just slam her and call her "cabaret"? Quick! Get Velveeta between Paula and Simon again! This just ain't working out!
08 - Ruben Studdard - Kiss and Say Goodbye. Lord, that title had better not be prophetic, even with the hat and without the 205. Ruben is amazing and...that's about it for that!
So Simon isn't happy here at the end but he can at least drag up some kind words for his boy Ruben Ah, well, there's always the first half of the tape!
I have to say this even though it's totally off-topic (not that that's ever stopped me before): did you all get the Toys R Us commercial with the white bunnies singing Peter Cottontail during the last break? ROTFLMAO!!! If this had been country crap night that ad would have been the highlight of the evening. Fortunately it was just the icing on the cake.
So, shippers of the world rejoice! Simon spent the entire evening draped over the back of Paula's chair and at one point (in the very beginning) I'd swear he was all up behind her, too. I don't know about those two, but if it keeps Simon at least halfway happy I'll take it!
Hugs to everyone! I hope you had a great night!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:44 PM [+] ::
...
Escape From Yahoo?
Hey gang! As many of you know I've been working on finding a new home for our Simon fanfic board, since Yahoo joined Doris Day in the firepits of Hell. I may have a solution, but I want you all to test drive it before we commit. If you were a member of the Yahoo board or would just like to check it out, the new, hopefully permanent home for Stealing Simon's Heart is: http://pub89.ezboard.com/bstealingsimonsheart. Please give it a spin and let me know yea or nay!
A tip from Jo: you may be asked to give your street address to register as a member. I think I've disabled that crap, but if not just put in something bogus. FYI, 12345 is the zip code for Syracuse, NY. ;)
Test her out and shout out your feedback! I won't make any permanent moves until you guys give it your approval, so please let me know if you have any problems or concerns. Thanks!
J
:: happy hour begins at 7:13 PM [+] ::
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Oh, for the Love of God:: Monday, April 07, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! It's a show day! Let's just hope North Korea stays on their side of the border tonight so we can get some quality Simon time, yes? It's been a while since I've talked about the news - from JackieLynn's Simon Times, that is - so today we'll go retro and have a little party!
You know how much I like Westlife, and love Simon. Note the verbs there. Apparently Westlife has caught on to me and made a discovery: Simon is big in the US (huge! gargantuan!) and Westlife is...all right.
And they are whining about it.
Shane Filan, Westlife's lead singer, doesn't get it: "[It's] gutting. I was in America the other week doing a documentary and watching telly and he was all over it. Then the other night I was watching MTV Cribs and they had Simon as one of the subjects, I was like: 'My god. What's happening.'"
What's happening is, Westlife is a boyband and there are plenty of those around - all cashing their checks and looking back at their careers in the US. Even I have been very clear about my fanship - they remind me of New Kids on the Block and going bowling when I was 16.
Westlife is pissy that they won't be able to crack the US market while Simon is riding high? Tough. Bad news for Simon since he can't make boatloads of money off of them here, but he has enough money - too much for his own good, in fact. Maybe he'll share it with his fading starlets over there.
Maybe not.
Read the whole story, courtesy of (who else?) the talented JackieLynn, here.
Have a great day, everyone, and remember: YOUR fame still lies ahead of you :) Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:33 AM [+] ::
...
WHO DID IT?
Which one of you put Copacabana in my head? I'm serious - I must have gotten it from one of you. CONFESS!
:: happy hour begins at 7:25 PM [+] ::
...
Miscellaneous Crap:: Sunday, April 06, 2003 ::
Hey kids! I'm back from DC; made it for my meeting then bailed ASAP. I brought home some files so I could cover some of my actual responsibilities, but at least I'm not at work anymore! WOOHOO!
Definition of a Princess: someone who, even in sleet/snow and horrendous traffic conditions, refuses to take the Metro (DC subway).
Speaking of subways, hey to newbie chef_clary, whose Six Degrees of Simon Cowell involved the Holland Park station for London's subway system, and Simon lives in Holland Park! I'M SO JEALOUS OF ALL YOU PEOPLE! The Temptations sang happy birthday to me a few years ago and brought me muffins every morning at a tradeshow, but THAT DOESN'T HELP ME!
Here's something else NOT helpful: remember my blog from Saturday about helping Doug with his radio show? I arrived to work this morning to several voice mails asking if the red bumps are contagious, should they get tested, as well as a note on my dry erase board saying "Red bumps are 9/10 of the pain." (Before that it read "Possession is 9/10 of the law," in reference to a turf war we're having about team office space and our latest hostile takeover of said space.) Our programmer even managed to work in the phrase "cocoa butter" during our 3 o'clock meeting. I have a feeling I've drawn a new nickname (I'm praying for "Cocoa") to add to our staff's Hotboy, Smoothie, Daddy B, et. al. (Yes, a sexual harassment attorney would salivate just passing by my team's area but we would happily shoo him off.) (Bloodthirsty fucker.)
I'm going to try posting parts 2 and 3 of my blind date challenge response to the fanfic board, but in case I can't do it I'm just going to post it in the Files section there and be done.
Um, there was something else I was going to say...but I can't remember what it was. I love you, Simon! LOL
If I get a moment later I'll fill you in on my father's romp through France last week - there's an interesting tidbit about a French Country bar you might appreciate. Until then, hugs!
Princess Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 4:58 PM [+] ::
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Ms. Speaks Goes to Washington
Hey kids! I'm blogging now because I'll be on the road again tomorrow, weather permitting. I'm hoping to be back for a meeting at 3 but it doesn't look good, so God only knows when you'll hear from me again. ;)
There's been a lot of talk recently on the mbs about Simon "lurking" on the Bolt message boards (Bolt sucks!), especially since he admitted he trolls around for information after the show airs. How funny, since most of his REAL fans are somewhere else altogether! LMAO! As you all know I'm ambivalent about him reading my diatribes over here, but since the chances are pretty slim he'd ever stumble on me, my fears don't keep me awake at night.
Here's to peaceful negotiations with North Korea and dissolution of the UN this week. Have a great Monday, everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:15 PM [+] ::
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Ever put lotion on your hands...
...then realize your hands are now too slippery to turn the knob on the bathroom door?
:: happy hour begins at 4:39 PM [+] ::
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