:: Thursday, April 29, 2004 ::
More Crap From Nowhere:: Wednesday, April 28, 2004 ::
Favorite radio moment of the day:
"Mother's Day will be here before you know it; make this year extra-special by giving Mom laser hair removal!"
I shit you not.
I'm just wondering how you'd word that card. Could you even do it without using the word, "Sasquatch?"
**********
Note to shoppers: if the shoes are Barbie pink with a 4" heel, LEAVE THEM ON THE SHELF.
Likewise shirts made of waterproof fabric. In any color.
I don't care that it's $2.99; we're people, not bulls, and just because someone waves a red tag at you doesn't mean you have to charge it.
(Speaking of charging, I used my debit card today for $1.57. How trailer park is that?)
Oh, plus, and I have some experience with this, if you wear a D cup you can't wear a size small shirt. Put it back.
Also, cross dressers: buy a copy of Vogue, please. Or go to the Clinique counter. Something.
Yes. The mall was an experience today.
**********
I'm not yet over last night's West Wing. I've been working to get some distance, a little perspective, but if you visit the forums at bradley-whitford.net you'll see I haven't been too successful.
Am contemplating a change in song to fit Donna's mood. Something with a lot of bad words in it, I think.
Like my entries lately. What's with that? I'm just all over the irate teen scene this week. Thought that would have gone by the wayside sometime around 1990.
Huh.
Happy second-to-last Friends, everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:55 PM [+] ::
...
If It's Wednesday...
...I must have TV Tuesday to catch up on!
Week 7 - Stop me if you've heard this one...
Comedy Central unveiled it's list of the 100 Greatest Stand-Up Comedians of All Time last week. (The list was quite subjective, I don't know who voted, no one asked me.) But it was a fun series of shows to watch. They are replaying it endlessly if you'd like to catch it. You can view their list here, if you'd like some help coming up with names for this week's questions!
1. Who is your favorite stand-up comedian of all time?
Oh God, probably Steven Wright - "Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." Although Ellen DeGeneres almost made me wet the bed once in a hotel in Philadelphia.
I'm so positive you wanted to know that.
2. Which one could you do without? (Not your type of humor, or just plain stupid!)
Me - attention span - about three seconds. If I don't like the comic, I won't remember the name.
Except Rodney Dangerfield. Who is seriously unfunny, most of the time.
3. Which comedian do you think has gone on to have a great career aside from doing stand-up?
Roseanne Barr (or whatever it is now) did very well for herself for a while there. I adored her show, until the whole lottery thing. Didn't even mind the rotating Beckys.
~Bonus~ If you went to a comedy club on amateur night, and they gave you some jokes and a microphone, would you go onstage?
Hell no. And no some more.
**********
Since my new commute involves a good deal of merging I thought it would be fun for me to explain the concept, in case other fine Marylanders are reading my non-comedy-club schtick here.
Ready?
Left lane. For to get the fuck out of my Goddamn way.
Thus endeth today's lesson.
**********
I feel pretty bad for John Stevens. He's getting his ass kicked on every television and radio station in the country, and millions of people are cursing his good name in print and on the Internet. He's only 16, for Christ's sake! You wanna blame people, go after those Clay freaks who still can't shut the hell up about who REALLY won last season.
Get over it, mates. Until you do, I'm going to blame you for everything. Jennifer Hudson leaving? Your fault. Paula's thumb surgery? That's you. And I'm WAY bent out of joint about Fantasia's distinct need of foundation garment last night.
Stupid show's G-rated. I wonder how they get away with that. Still.
**********
I think I'm done now. I have me some bitterness today, likely brought on by the fact that some dropout put regular Coke in my take-out cup, even though the DIET button had been clearly depressed.
Asshole.
**********
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:56 PM [+] ::
...
I'm Pretty Sure...:: Tuesday, April 27, 2004 ::
...I only shaved one leg this morning. Not that anyone could tell, really, but still.
Disconcerting.
:: happy hour begins at 8:00 AM [+] ::
...
I See the Moon and the Moon Sees Me:: Monday, April 26, 2004 ::
Except it was no moon; it was a space station-sized spider.
Seriously, they don't grow these things in the city.
Small Cat: The Return
I stumble into the bedroom this morning - naked and behind schedule - and there it is in the middle of the floor.
It freezes.
I freeze.
It shoots me this, "Oh holy hell, don't you people go to work?" look.
I hit it with an empty video tape case. Kinda squish it around a little. Lift it up.
It runs.
I smack it again.
It gets back up and crawls up the bedframe.
I hit it like a baseball.
It's back in the middle of the floor.
I hit it with an actual video tape.
It runs again.
I squirt it with Febreeze.
It laughs.
I cover it with the empty tape case, the tape and the Febreeze bottle and run to the next room.
I return, still naked but for one high-heeled Mary Jane.
Stomp.
Grind.
Stomp stomp stomp.
Dude. That is one damn disintegrated spider. There aren't even any parts left; it's just a smudge on my carpet now, which I squirt with rug cleaner before dressing for work. I'm feeling pretty Annie Oakley at this point, all, "This is my house, motherfuckers!" like I just conquered the frontier with a hair clip and a lawn chair.
So what if I got the heebie-jeebies and checked the inside of my shirt before putting it on and haven't been back to the bedroom? I still rule.
As does the exterminator, who told Speaksy this afternoon they shore due spray for spahders.
Juliet
PS - This particular Mexican hat dance actually occurred on Friday morning, but a lil' mountain storm knocked out my internet access for the majority of the weekend. Always fun.
:: happy hour begins at 7:39 PM [+] ::
...
Makin' Like a Klingon Bird O' Prey:: Thursday, April 22, 2004 ::
I realize I am not tall, or indeed, of average height.
I know I don’t always dress like a matron.
I am aware that, from the back, I might look like someone under the age of majority.
But I swear to God, for all the wondrous talents He gave me, I AM NOT INVISIBLE.
If I am pushing a cart brimming with expensive wares, it is not in your best interest to overlook me as though I have no purchasing power. Pretty Woman moments are reserved for naked-but-for-a-fluffy-robe table-sitting, and chances are you weren't invited to that party.
If I am standing in an aisle, I can think of no good reason for you to ram me in the ass with your cart without so much as a backward glance. If you know me I'm sure you can come up with one, but a stranger? As far as you can tell I couldn't take a marshmallow peep.
If I am in the checkout lane, you are not invited to knock me into the counter with a casual “sorry”, brought on by the fact that your path was somewhat altered by your encounter with the flesh of my hip – or shoulder, or arm, or whatever body part you didn’t see that day. "Sorry" is for "I forgot your extra napkins" - body checking calls for prostrate pleading for whatever forgiveness I see fit to bestow.
Don’t hit me with your stroller. Your bags. Your backpack or purse. Look down once in a while – there’s a whole ecosystem down here. We throw great parties.
To help you learn to watch where the hell you’re going, I will from this point forward be wearing a black studded dog collar or a hot pink wig whenever I leave the house – if I wear anything at all. I will clip an air horn to my waistband, and I will tape down the trigger so that you may hear me from all sectors of the store, at all times. I will carry mace in my hand and not in my purse – and I will use it on your weasely mug if you so much as look at my personal space.
I will make your encounter with me as evil as possible.
And I will smile while I do it.
Because when the police officer comes to check out the altercation, I will bite myself and say you did it.
Such is the benefit of being small enough to fit beneath your notice.
You have been warned.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:27 PM [+] ::
...
But I Don't Want to Sing, Ollie:: Tuesday, April 20, 2004 ::
And that's all I have to say about that.
**********
It's Thursday, so let's play TV Tuesday!
I really have to get it together here.
Week 6 - Just the facts, ma'am
Whether it was Barney Fife with one bullet in his pocket, or Lt. Columbo's "Just one more thing", we could be sure in the old days that TV cops would wrap everything up neatly in 30 to 60 minutes. These days it may take a few episodes, but TV's top cops still manage to right most of the world's wrongs.
1. Who is your favorite (past or present) TV cop?
Detective Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz from Barney Miller, of course! I don't know why, but he was always my favorite. I think he reminded me of someone, but I have no clue who.
2. Which TV cop do you think was the most crooked, or the most inept?
Bull from Night Court didn't exactly have it together, but I loved him just the same.
3. Which TV show had the best ensemble cast of police officers?
Still going with Barney Miller. A police-based show may have stellar writing and a pretty cast, but if it doesn't have Fish it doesn't have much.
~Bonus~ You need to hire a bodyguard for yourself. Which TV cop do you choose?
Chris Lorenzo from Silk Stalkings. Because Rob Estes is H.O.T.
I can take care of protecting myself.
**********
You know who I hate? VIPs. What the hell is that? There was a whole conference room over here yesterday chock full o' VeryImportantPersons freezing the rest of us out because it got hot in their room. Um, suits, a wall of sunny windows and a closed door? Der. Happened the last fifty times you were in there, too.
Next time take it down to Bob Evans. You can be VeryImportant all you want down there. If you're really special they'll even give you extra gravy for your biscuits.
Just remember that a VeryImportantJuliet and her VeryImportantFriends paid for that gravy. And tip well; we'll spring for a great tip if you promise not to show up here later and prance around in the hallways, drunk on your VeryImportantPerson-ness.
Oh yeah. I'm going to be insufferable today.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:10 AM [+] ::
...
That's Some Shit Karma, Right There:: Monday, April 19, 2004 ::
You're a spider the size of a small cat.
You see the house.
You run for the house.
A man shoos some dogs and an hysterical woman into the house, and throws a cup of water in your direction to slow your progress.
The only piece of ice in the cup lands ON you, killing you instantly.
Right.
:: happy hour begins at 7:59 AM [+] ::
...
I Think My Saddle is Still in a Box Somewhere
I am clearly not back in it.
I thought I would try blogging at lunch today, since my nights are currently soaked up by The House we were so excited to buy. In our euphoria we didn't think about the fact that we don't own a lawn mower, or, indeed, anything one needs to keep a real house with a real yard and about a billion real windows.
All of which have revealed one or both of the Speakses in their underwear.
Separately and together.
Forget the Naked Yoga Show, man; we're just trying to get to work.
Speaking of yoga, I tried a new DVD last night (since my new residence takes me hell and gone away from my old teacher) (yes, the one to whom I lied about why I couldn't take her class anymore). This was stupid, and I'll tell you why it was stupid:
Because finding an "oasis of calm" with Sally the Sunkissed Sicko chirping out my speakers while my beagles are lost somewhere in the reforestation project that is my unmown backyard? Neeeever going to happen.
Yes, I am fixated on this yard thing. It's because I'm not that tall.
By the way, if you'd send me money I could stay home all day and work in the house so my nights would be free to blog. Just a suggestion.
Have a wonderful day, everyone!
Juliet
PS - Wow, that up there? That's the flow of my normal workday. That's more than a little frightening, for all of us, I'm sure.
:: happy hour begins at 1:08 PM [+] ::
...
Sadly...:: Wednesday, April 14, 2004 ::
I thought moving to a bigger house would give me magical domestic powers or something, but I still can't seal a Ziploc bag.
:: happy hour begins at 8:16 AM [+] ::
...
"What are 'the Galapagos Islands'?":: Monday, April 12, 2004 ::
If I turn my head a little to the left, I can see my yoga mat; turning a bit to the right I can see some weights. But try as I might, from my vantage point here on the floor in front of the computer, I just can't see them both at the same time.
I'm gonna go ahead and take that as a sign.
**********
It's TV Tuesday! Okay, so it's Wednesday but this is me and you all know how it works by now.
Week 5- Is That Your Final Answer?
Game Shows have kept us playing along for years… From What's My Line? to Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, we watch, yell at stupid contestants and generally feel superior, because we could be doing so much better! So let's see, do you have what it takes to play the game, or are you the Weakest Link?
1. Is there a game show (past or present) you think you would do really well on, as a contestant?
Jeopardy would be good for me. As I've said before, I know about three minutes' worth of crap on almost any topic; fortunately for me, so does Alex Trebek.
2. Is there a game show you think is the stupidest thing you've ever seen?
This will receive a lot of boo-hissing, but I always thought The Price is Right was pretty low-brain-cell. Maybe it's watching all those people bouncing down the aisles with their flippers in the air, as if they're just gonna KNOW a toaster costs more than a hand mixer.
But they don't.
3. Is there a game show you watch, but don't like to admit to watching? (A guilty pleasure!)
Oh, it's The Newlywed Game. Hands down.
~Bonus~ Who is your favorite game show host? Who is your least favorite?
Does anyone else miss Bert Convy? Damn, I do. But anything Louie Anderson does drops to the bottom of my list.
**********
Still trying to get the mat and the weights in one view. Making my eyeballs hurt a little bit...
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:09 PM [+] ::
...
Juliet's Painting Test:: Friday, April 09, 2004 ::
Juliet's Painting Test
1. Your teenaged daughter wants to paint her bedroom dark purple. You say:
a. Hell no.
b. I suppose. I'll help you this weekend.
c. I suppose, but I'm not helping you. Or supervising. Or anything.
d. Sure! And hey, why don't you sponge-paint a texture over it?
2. Your teenaged daughter wants to paint the trim and moulding in her bedroom dark purple. You say:
a. Hell no.
b. I suppose. I'll help you this weekend.
c. I suppose, but I'm not helping you. Or supervising. Or anything.
d. Sure! And hey, why don't you sponge-paint a texture over it?
3. Your teenaged daughter asks you if she should use painter's tape to protect the ceiling, etc. You say:
a. Hell no.
b. I suppose. I'll help you this weekend.
c. I suppose, but I'm not helping you. Or supervising. Or anything.
d. Sure! And hey, why don't you sponge-paint a texture over it?
4. Your teenaged daughter asks you if she can re-paint her bedroom back to white. You say:
a. Hell no.
b. I suppose. I'll help you this weekend.
c. I suppose, but I'm not helping you. Or supervising. Or anything.
d. Too hard. Why don't we just move and let the next hapless homeowner do it?
The only think that could have worsened this experience is if there were a sumo-wrestling spider camped out just outside one of the purple windows.
Oh! Silly me - there WAS!
How many curse words does it take to get to the center of a supernova again ?
Juliet
PS - I hope like hell you don't expect to have to score that quiz up there. If you're wondering what the right answers were, DON'T COME HERE ANYMORE for a while; I need some time to cool off and forgive you and your ilk...
:: happy hour begins at 1:12 PM [+] ::
...
Oh for the love of Brad this is NEVER GOING TO END!:: Wednesday, April 07, 2004 ::
Thursday
Plan: At old house, pack remaining detritus into Expedition. Will take three trips.
Actual: At old house, load one small chair into Expedition. Sigh loudly. Rent another U-Haul for the day to get it in one, because three trips might kill us. Or someone else. Or something, but rest assured there would be serious repercussions.
Cue rain.
Friday
Plan: At Home Depot, purchase paint and supplies for old and new houses (budget: $125.00). Return to old house; clean.
Actual: Oversleep. Have lunch at favorite haunt. Purchase paint and supplies for old and new houses (cost: $212.57). Visit friend's new house. Drive by other friend's new house (under contract). Purchase snacks. Pick up prescriptions. Shop for (but do not buy) lawn mower. Return to old house; look around, give up and go home.
**********
Will know tomorrow about latest shade of green for the living room. We're using the guest bedroom for the beta. If it sucks, maybe people just won't visit as long.
Am still searching for proper shade of orange for kitchen - not too orange, a little more red than that, but not that brown. Purchased two colors today that looked virtually identical in-store but are really PUMPKIN! and sort of...pink, maybe...at home.
Am not optimistic.
**********
The list of people to whom I owe emails and phone calls is longer than my register tape from Home Depot, but I promise I will get there. Be patient or bite me.
Or both.
At this point, whatever.
Love and Happy Easter!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 6:04 PM [+] ::
...
The Return of Internet Access at Chez Speaks:: Monday, April 05, 2004 ::
Update: Loveseat no longer in kitchen due to beagle use as step ladder in accessing kitchen counter.
Nose prints on all windows.
**********
This is overwhelming. I mean, I remember how shitty moving is in general, but this time our crap is fornicating like little heathen bunnies and creating generation after generation of MORE crap we don't need and can't readily categorize into Sharpie-marked boxes. If we ever outgrow this house we'll have to build on, throw an air mattress in the shed or kick somebody out.
I am going to grow old and die in this house.
And even all those years from now my living room walls still won't be the right shade of green.
**********
On a related note, thank you to Roscoe for accurately pinning the phrase to the situation: "hemorrhaging money".
**********
Have heard that the cast of The West Wing will be visiting my fair city when shooting at Camp David. Their hotel is about a minute from both Borders and Home Depot.
I can loiter in those places. Have thousands and thousands of dollars worth of reasons why either store currently considers me a Valued Customer.
Bradley Whitford: Drop me a line if you're in need of a little shameless fawning while you're in town. I promise I won't molest you.
Unless you want me to.
**********
Have taken rest of week off for more bunny roundup. Hope not to lose ground on my diet, which I swore I wouldn't talk too much about but which is going smashingly well. Am half the distance to the goal.
Good thing there's a Gap outlet not ten minutes from the new digs.
Have a great night, all!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:32 PM [+] ::
...
Oh, fine. NOW it's sunny...
There's a loveseat in my kitchen, Speaksy is wearing ratty tennis shoes today because we can't find that box and the dogs are afraid of the icemaker.
Plus the house is deserted-mental-ward quiet, bringing the number of hours slept by adults last night down to a staggering ONE.
Cumulatively.
Word of the day: defenestration.
Try back tomorrow...
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:00 AM [+] ::
...
