:: Monday, March 29, 2004 ::
Confusion and Fray:: Thursday, March 25, 2004 ::
My alarm normally goes off at 6:45am, at least half an hour after Speaksy has left for work. But at 6:45 today I woke up on the couch.
No idea how I got there, or why my contacts were already in my head, or why the living room was so dark. Padded to the bedroom, made sure the alarms were turned off, shuffled back to the bathroom and disrobed for the shower, all the while thinking I was about to go blind because I'd slept all night in my contacts. Scarier than that was the fact that I had no recollection of the night before.
Because it still was the night before.
6:45PM.
Naps are Satan's sign to the world that he hates us and wants us to suffer.
**********
So after much discussion, JackieLynn has decided to join the HFS/JS conglomerate with a site of her own! Welcome to the party, JL! Those of you who are Simon Cowell fans, get thee to The Simon Times, your one-stop source for all Simon-related news!
**********
Jack the Realtor shall claim his victory tomorrow at 4pm when Speaksy and I sign our lives away. We're excited - nervous, woefully unpacked and about to be penniless, but excited nonetheless. In anticipation of the upheaval to come, I'm putting you on notice that I will not be blogging for the rest of this week. Hopefully I'll be back next Monday, but if not I'll fast forward and tell you what I'll be thinking next Monday night:
Unfamiliar house, misplaced alarms, untried routine, extended commute AND I'M LOSING A DAMN HOUR OF SLEEP.
Fucking daylight savings.
Have a wonderful week, everyone! I'll miss you!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:17 PM [+] ::
...
Waxing Nostalgic:: Wednesday, March 24, 2004 ::
AWWW moment: 12:42pm - Toss bleach into grocery basket, turn around, am in BABY AISLE. Sure, they only pick the cutest babies for the cover of Huggies, but still.
Reality check: 2:28pm - Receive call from colleague home with sick child. Three minutes in, hear sharp clatter, then, "Go in the bathroom... Go... If you're going to throw up do it in - GO IN THE BATHROOM!" Thump thump... THUMP. "It's okay, you're okay." Shuffle shuffle. Sigh.
"I'm gonna have to call you back."
Status: Uh, no.
**********
The house we live in is situated right in the middle of a middle-sized city. All middle-sized cities have bad neighborhoods and low-income housing.
We're in the middle of that, too.
I'll miss the hookers who stopped by to pet the dogs, and knew them by name as we knew theirs.
I'll miss the police activity, like that at Judy's house two doors down. We helped Judy configure her computer so her kids could do their homework, while Judy ran a drug ring out of her living room.
I'll miss the 2am 9-1-1 calls, like the night we heard a man yelling racial slurs in the street out front. This mayoral candidate (yes, he really was) got himself fleuthered at a nearby bar, whipped himself into a frenzy and thought he'd take a walk - tailed by 20 of his closest black friends. That mayoral candidate's head left a good amount of blood on the side of our brick house before dripping it on the hood of the squad car of a policeman, who yelled at him for it.
I'll miss the nights coming home from a friend's house to find shadowy figures dressed in black, crouching along the neighbor's fence. "It's okay," they'd whisper as they reached into their jackets. "We're the police." Badges flashed in the night.
And to think, it all started with a little renovation project - we'll learn here, then take our skills to a nice neighborhood and do it again, though I vow that I will never again spend two weeks trying to scrape 250-year-old paint off plaster kitchen walls, only to take a sledgehammer to the whole damn thing so Speaksy can come home and find me triumphant in the rubble.
We will also never again use any of the paint colors you might find here - RL blue, spring green, ivory and taupes - for to do so would be to invite the evil spirits that have plagued us for so long to move right the hell with us.
If it weren't so damn expensive we'd just torch the place and be done with it.
Funny what living among criminals will do to your list of acceptable options.
Juliet
PS - Ultimately? It wasn't that bad. All these things - and many, many more - really did happen, but Judy could always be counted on to loan sugar and the hookers would sign for our Fed Ex packages and leave them hidden on the back porch. Our only brush with trouble was having the spare stolen off Speaksy's Expedition, which was done by some stranger from some other neighborhood entirely.
Still won't ever have a blue bedroom again.
:: happy hour begins at 7:48 PM [+] ::
...
Epiphany:: Tuesday, March 23, 2004 ::
Change of Epithet: Cheer Mom.
Soccer is passe; Cheer Moms have better pins.
And, you know. Ribbons.
**********
We have The Phone Number now.
Contrary to conventional wisdom, I have not been overly excited about the new house. I do not drive by it fourteen times a day to gawk and "awww" at it, mainly because the entire town claims only 2200 residents; since the house is on actual Main Street (I kid you not) I figure it would only take a couple of trips to brand me a stalker.
Before we even move in.
And that would be bad.
I have not been freakishly obsessed by this house because I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist. Oh, the Easter Bunny is real in our hearts all right, but an actual furry critter with long ears and a fondness for stickered eggs? Not so much.
So no hopping down the house trail for me.
Until we got The Phone Number.
We're buying The House.
There is An Actual House.
We are buying It.
We are going to live There.
We are going to move our treasured belongings and much-loved pets into This House.
We are going to sleep There.
In The House.
There is A House.
Oh my God.
I mean, OH MY GOD.
I really need to pack.
And drive by The House.
A lot.
Tonight.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:37 PM [+] ::
...
Picking Up Threads:: Friday, March 19, 2004 ::
Boy, those of you who don't read the comments really ought to start.
So it seems everyone has babies on the brain, and as I can assure you that I am not now, nor have I ever been, PREGNANT, I can also tell you why the fever has stuck itself to me.
You? You're just fixated, and I gotta tell you, y'all don't sound too healthy.
In addition to the two friends who announced their soon-to-be bundles of joy, two more gave birth to sons last night. Welcome to G and B! May you be blessed in all things!
Bring on my new, flippy haircut, which in silhouette makes me look exactly like a soccer mom, and add to it the feeling I haven't slept in a few years, and you get a whole other kind of situation. I half expect to find a minivan in desperate need of a de-Cheerio-ing in place of the Chrysler every time I leave the house.
Pardon me while I swing by daycare.
**********
There's a new kid in town! Meet Hello Kristie and her new blog, Boys Have the Stupids! Since HK was one of the first people we met when we moved to Maryland I feel a personal connection to her self-professed undateableness.
She is imminently dateable.
But her boys are dumb.
HK's comments aren't up yet, but they're coming soon, and I know she'd love to hear from you - or from your hot 20-something brother.
**********
On to TV Tuesday!
TV doctors from Kildare to Kovac have been healing our ills since way back when. (Remember Steve Martin on the original Saturday Night Live, as Theodoric, Barber of York?! A good blood-letting always cured what ailed ya!) Yep, from leeches to CAT scans, we love our TV Docs!
1. Which TV doctor would you choose to remove your appendix?
Dr. Romano from ER, except he's dead so that doesn't work. Although, isn't the show still on TNT or somewhere?
ROMANO LIVES!
I would have gone with Dr. Scully, but she spent most of her time with dead people.
You know, if I'm going to have major surgery I should probably look for doctors that don't have a lot of death attached to them...
2. Which TV doctor would you not let touch you with a 10- foot pole?
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I wouldn't let her touch my hair.
3. Which TV doctor/hospital would you choose for the best medical care?
GENERAL HOSPITAL!
Der.
~Bonus~ Everyone knows nurses run the hospital. Who was/is your favorite TV nurse?
Hands down, it's Thor from E/R (the original). Conchata Ferrell is the woman.
**********
Have a great night, everyone! Two hours of American Idol and I get to lay around!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:37 PM [+] ::
...
Hoots and Clicks:: Wednesday, March 17, 2004 ::
First, a question: have the questions on Jeopardy gotten absurdly easy, or have I developed a brain tumor that reads the encyclopedia to me while I'm trying to sleep?
You know, I was just going to let that lie, but the latter seems quite plausible at this point.
For my sleeping is much disturbed.
Yesterday, somewhere around 4:30am, I rolled over and propped my head up on my hand. I reached out my other hand, pulled up Speaksy's T-shirt and commenced rubbing his chest.
Speaksy, on waking: "What are you doing?"
Me: "(incoherent mumbling)"
I laid back down and went to sleep.
I have no recollection of this.
Also of concern is my new hobby: NAPPING. I have never been a sleeper - just ask my parents. While Lola's favorite phrase seemed to be, "back-a-bed," mine was more in the "NO!" range. Legend has it that, sometime around the age of two, I once kept my grandmother awake all night by jumping on her bed, after she volunteered to show my parents how the business of forcing a toddler to sleep is conducted.
(I also had to wear one of those harness/leash things so I wouldn't run away in stores, meaning I spent a lot of my early mall time diving backward full thrust and dangling upside-down at the end of my tether while my father perfected his "yank and hoist" technique to keep my tender head from smashing into the floor. But that's a different problem.)
Napping. I'm a napper now. In the last month I have slept more during daylight hours than in all the rest of my 32 years combined ("daylight hours", naturally, being defined as "after noon but before eight"). I stumble home from work, hit the couch and faint dead away until Speaksy does something to wake me up.
He says it isn't intentional, but I know it is. I mean, eating salad in an otherwise silent room? Come on.
Combine the napping with my previously known difficulty in falling asleep, and you get a lot of statements like, "I may or may not have recently ordered a Bowflex."
One of these days they're going to have to invent a pill that negates the need for sleep altogether, and I don't mean Dexatrim. (You know how I feel about Nancy Reagan.) If I had that, I'm sure I'd be a lot more productive after 5pm.
Or maybe I'd have scrapple for brains and wear tube socks with shorts.
Which, honestly, probably isn't too far off anyway.
This entry has been incoherent, you say? My, but don't you catch on fast. You should be on Jeopardy.
Off to pretend she might sleep again someday,
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:20 PM [+] ::
...
So This is the Dining Room:: Tuesday, March 16, 2004 ::
This feels weird.
Good, but weird.
**********
Thanks to the lovely and talented Isabella, we have a new game to play! It's called TV Tuesday, and the idea is Isabella asks a series of questions every week, and bloggers everywhere get to answer them! (Technically this is called a "meme", but only Izzy is really savvy enough to have known that.)
This is TV Tuesday's inaugural week, and the theme is Classic TV Shows. Play along at home, everyone!
1. What is your favorite "Classic" TV show?
WKRP in Cincinnati, definitely. Or maybe I Love Lucy, except when Lucy is about to do something extremely stupid I have to change the channel because I can't stand the guilt, knowing I watched the spark that derailed the train but did nothing to stop it.
Irrational, yes. But I'm Catholic.
2. What character from a "Classic" TV show would you like to be?
MARY TYLER MOORE AS LAURA PETRI! Who didn't want to be MTM? She looked so faboo in those pedal pushers, and when she graduated from those she got to be a reporter!
Okay, so that was a different series, but whatever.
3. On which "Classic" TV Show would you have loved to have a walk-on role?
Back to WKRP we go. I'd have given that Bailey a run for her money, I'm telling you what. Ooh, or I could have been a hooker on Barney Miller. FUN!
~Bonus~ Can you remember a line you liked from a "Classic" TV show?
"As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."
Like I would pick anything else.
How would YOU answer? To play, visit tvtuesday.blogspot.com.
**********
I need to send out some huge CONGRATULATIONS! to R&L and The Girl Down the Street and hubby; both couples are expecting their first child in November!
Everyone else in the Washington, DC, metro area: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T DRINK THE WATER.
Have a great evening everyone, and remember my bliss at the fact that I don't have to think of a damn thing to say about Clay Aiken cluttering up my TV set during AI tonight. WOOHOO!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:05 PM [+] ::
...
TWO HOURS?!:: Monday, March 15, 2004 ::
I just woke up. Ryan is wearing a lot of different browns, there's something about "the mother ship" I don't understand, there are lights flashing everywhere and it's loud.
And American Idol is two hours long tonight. How did I miss that?
Something the shippers did NOT miss:
Ryan - "The only woman Simon will never get - Paula Abdul!"
Simon - "Wanna bet?"
Juliet - "Yeah."
Soul is the theme for tonight, and in my haze I'm seeing dancing Jesus fish, except they have legs so they must be Darwin fish but that doesn't make sense.
I'm sensing twilight sleep has not yet left me.
Weird.
01 - LaToya London - Ain't Nobody
This wedding singer sounds great, but that giant screen behind her is NOT helping my confused state. It's like the power of Richard Dawson is calling me. Go into the light, Juliet! Go into the light!
This is pretty Star Search-y right here.
Randy says she's hot, Paula announces LaToya will be around a while and Simon says, "awesome". Or "Orsen". Not sure.
Simon to Paula: "What the hell does 'the bomb' mean?"
Sparks entire Cornholio impression from Speaksy. Shirt up over the head and everything. "Are you threatening me? I am the bomb! BOMB!"
OhmyChristalive, I need to wake up. And probably brush my teeth.
02 - Amy Adams - You Make Me Feel Brand New
Not the strongest voice here, but I really like her. Nothing tragic about it, but the falsetto is killing her. And me. Maybe crops, too.
Randy brands her, "all right," Paula says she's a goofball with a pretty voice and Simon finds her dreary.
It was the sunflowers.
03 - Matt Rogers - Hard to Handle
Dude, on the second chorus the lyrics are, "ten-cent lovin'." Just wanted to point that out. Otherwise, I'm feeling everything except that Backdraft background. Stupid spaceship thing.
Randy says the vocals are all right, but the song choice was good; Paula calls him Mr. Show Man (as opposed to Showman, which would have made a hell of a lot more sense), and Simon doesn't like his second-rate Tom Jones impression, or his package.
I'm glad that joke ends here.
04 - Camile Velasco - Son of a Preacher Man
Ah, bringing the porn pain face into the finals, we are. Great voice, pretty girl. Quit looking like someone stabbed your dog and we might have something here.
Randy finds nothing "wow" about her performance, Paula loved her in Hawaii but not tonight, and Simon says she'll fail until she gets some confidence.
I don't know if he remembers this, but in reality she'll succeed until we get tired of her. Could be now, really.
05 - Jon Peter Lewis - Drift Away
All right, so apparently a lot of you did not follow me into JPLand last week, but plenty of people did, and for that I am grateful. I love this kid. He probably belongs in front of a band, actually, but I'll take him how I can get him. Dancing and all, people.
Randy says he feels like Jon shows who he really is (not a serial killer), Paula calls him fun and Simon brands him the dark horse of the season.
Glad to see you've joined the parade, Simon. Better late than Sally.
06 - Fantasia "BoBo" Barrino - Signed, Sealed, Delivered
Apparently, smiling is too much of a chore for dear Fanny. Sad, because her voice is fantastic. Hate the bangs, love that she has even more energy than her song.
Randy loves her, Paula thinks she's amazing and Simon calls her "the real thing".
Like Coke.
07 - Boo Huff - Dock of the Bay
For the first time all season, I can appreciate this kid's voice. Maybe it was the moustache holding him back, I don't know, but whatever he's done has made me very happy.
Randy says it's the best we've seen him yet, Paula mentions his infectious...smile, and Simon calls him very, very good.
And no fainting.
08 - Jennifer Hudson - Baby, I Love You
The hair is growing on me.
Randy - she can really, really sing
Paula - unbelievable
Simon - wants to date her sister
09 - John Stevens - Lately
Whatever song Frank Sinatra sang, became a Frank Sinatra song. Some performers don't try to fit themselves into the mold created by the music - they change the mold to fit their voices. John Stevens is one of these. His performance tonight is completely John; there is no trace of the last person to sing Lately anywhere on stage tonight, and I find that refreshing and amazing.
Randy disagrees, saying he didn't pass the test tonight. Paula calls the performance classy and gentlemanly, and Simon, who is a standards fan like me, agrees with the ill-dressed princess. John is unique and he breaks up the monotony.
Thank God, 'cause really, two hours?
10 - Leah LaBelle - You Keep Me Hanging On
SHEENA IS DEAD! She's dead, she killed her! Rock on, sister! Her voice isn't that great and the song doesn't knock my socks off, but I just put in my vote for her because she finally cleaned up her look - and she's beautiful.
Oh, I'm full of surprises tonight, aren't I?
Randy says no, Paula says no and Simon tells her to pack her suitcase.
Yeah, but she took some advice and made a change for the better. That's worth another week to me.
11 - Jasmine Trias - Inseparable
Wow. Seriously, wow. I don't know if the song was really short, or if I was just so happy to hear her the time flew by, but they should just give her her own show at this point.
Wow.
Randy says she's what the competition is all about; Paula says it's her favorite performance, and Simon calls her performance, "superb".
I'm awake now. Took me long enough.
12 - Diana DeGarmo - Think
A note-for-note Aretha rip-off, sure, but she sure as hell pulls it off. That girl's got some lungs on her! Hopefully in weeks to come she'll start working something her own way, but this is enough for now.
Randy - incredible, "dope"
Paula - effortless, effortless, effortless, bright light, brilliant, brilliant
Simon - a big doll with a good voice
Extra points to Diana for not slutting it up.
So there we have it, our 2004 Top 12! What did you think? I agree with the judges that it's the best group yet, but now the producers need to buckle down and figure out how to make this look less like Pro Hour and more like the fun amateur space it used to be.
As for me? I am sad to say that this will be my last American Idol recap. It's been a great ride and I love all of you for sticking with me, but it's time for me to move on to other projects. I'll still be here, writing about maxi pads and pedestrians, but I'm going to put my American Idol habit back in front of the television again, where I enjoy it best.
There are so many wonderful recaps going on now, and I'd love to hear from each of you - please drop me a line and I'll add a section to my side bar, just for you.
Have a great night everyone, and don't forget to vote!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:59 PM [+] ::
...
Flotsam, Flotsam and Creamed Vegetables:: Thursday, March 11, 2004 ::
So according to the kind search engines at Yahoo and Google, I am now the banner girl for Kotex quiet-wrap pads. I should get some coupons or something.
**********
We love our satellite dish, if for no other reason than because we can always find either Hobbits or Harry Potter somewhere among the movies. Good times.
**********
Does anyone happen to know the name of the rat poison Lily Tomlin used instead of Skinny 'n Sweet in Dabney Coleman's coffee in the movie 9 to 5?
**********
Contrary to what the nice people at Ruby Tuesday's may tell you, creamed cauliflower doesn't taste anything like mashed potatoes - unless you toss in some garlic and haven't had the real thing since before Groundhog Day. Then they are truly stellar.
**********
You know what one thing all convention centers have in common? They all smell like serious B.O. I'm not kidding.
**********
You know you've found the right message board when, in between requests for encouragement and congratulations, you find a thread about what poop should look like.
**********
Beagles can eat fourteen times their body weight in hot dogs before they throw up and start over.
And can spell "hot dog".
And know that "H.D." means "hot dog".
And know that, if you didn't bring the box out the last time, there are still more hot dogs in the box.
**********
Yeah, Family Feud sucked me in again and now my brain has been relieved of all meaningful thought.
I'm not really complaining, mind you. Just saying.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:37 PM [+] ::
...
The Chain of Command:: Wednesday, March 10, 2004 ::
Fingers suggested it to Arms; Arms whispered up to Shoulders; Shoulders mentioned it to Neck; Neck passed the note to Brain, and Brain said, "Oh shut up, all of yous; if we're going to blog I need you to be quiet."
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN! YOU ARE GOING TO WATCH EXTREME MAKEOVER AND YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT, PUNK!
Replied The Couch.
The Alpha has spoken.
I don't watch a lot of television, as you know. But lately, The Couch has exerted its considerable influence far more often than in the past, and I've found myself in all sorts of awkward moments over its instructions.
Witness, my sudden love for Saved by the Bell and old, old - like, Richard Dawson, old - Family Feud reruns.
What is it about a couch that can make me care about whether the Harrison family can scrounge up 89 more points? And why do I feel so sorry for Mildred?
Name a type of sandwich: PIZZA.
Why am I so certain it's nervousness when I should be far more concerned about the fact that she probably has a driver's license and voted for Reagan, for God's sake?
I think The Couch has it in for me.
It certainly has something against you.
Fight The Couch!
Juliet
Happy birthday to Petmom and Dad Speaks! And an early happy birthday to Baby Clarkette, who is just about to turn two. KISSES!
:: happy hour begins at 10:39 PM [+] ::
...
An Argyle Sock Tube Top, a Mexican Fainting Katie and a Prophesy Fulfilled:: Tuesday, March 09, 2004 ::
Plus a quick trip to the post office via CVS. What more could we ask for in a Wild Card Results Show?
Speed. We wouldn't get it, but we could ask for speed.
Or, we could ask for twenty minutes recapping the SHITTY, and the not-so-shitty, and a lot of snarly Simon. Also a Ruuuuuuben performance to make us wish it were still last season. And maybe a nice tractor race to keep things exciting.
We'd almost get our list.
Well, you'd almost get your list; I got the tractor dissertation from Speaksy for about...well, the whole hour. BOOM! buh buh buh buh buh BOOM! buh buh buh buh buh BOOM!
Honest to God, it really was kind of fun. Wish you were here.
Also wish Suzy's bandana weren't so tight, but Excedrin is for everyone. She will survive.
I've gone so far off topic I can't remember why I'm still sitting here.
Oh! Right! It's because Randy needs to make a pick! Paula barks and Simon says she's the right choice... for... Jennifer Hudson! (insert theme song woo-woos here!) (insert funny joke about Simon advising someone else to get a stylist!) (I swear I'll get back to the recap at some point!) (Yeah!)
Nooooo.
Paula. I am not your fan. I realize I stood up off the couch and pointed, mute, at the television set when I spied your Straight Up poster on Saved By the Bell this morning, but let's call that lack of caffeine.
Did everyone scramble their brains trying to figure out the best place to buy Kotex quiet wrap pads when Paula picked Sheena Vladowski? If not, start now.
We have some packages to send.
But first, BOO! Simon nearly put Georgie down, right there. Dude, you can't sneak up on him like that! Haven't you been reading? I TOLD YOU he wasn't fit for active duty!
I'll tell you what: the next time you startle Boo-Boo, make sure you quietly unwrap the Kotex products you are about to receive and stick them to the stage behind him. Shape it like a big gym mat. Then go.
Hours of entertainment right there.
And now, for the moment we've all been talking about all day: did anyone NOT predict Jon Peter Lewis in the finals? Please.
And thank you.
Learned well you have, my darlings.
Hugs and kisses,
Juliet
Simon Cowell/American Idol
P.O. Box 900
Attn: FOX BROADCASTING Publicity Dept.
Beverly Hills, CA 90213-0900
:: happy hour begins at 10:02 PM [+] ::
...
Apparently, singing is not a factor for you.:: Friday, March 05, 2004 ::
Welcome to the ever-G-rated American Idol: Wild Card Show - with a twist, Ryan?
Could the twist be That 70's Ryan's hair is slowly coming to resemble a well-fed lawn, or that Paula finally got E.T. back on two-way radio?
(I need earrings like that. I have some ancestors John Edwards wasn't able to find.)
No, no, in fact tonight's "twist" can be summed up in just one word:
SHITTY
Clawing up the Perrier-spritzed back of Donald Trump's nouveau success, American Idol is going to fire people, right here on live TV.
That's right: twelve singers (one of whom is not Scooter Girl, dammit) stayed the extra week in California and probably lost their day jobs - but only eight of them get to sing tonight.
And only four will advance to the finals.
Can we find four we like?
But first, bring out your dead! Lisa Leuchner gets to resurrect her lounge act tomorrow, even though Randy said she has one of the best voices in the competition.
Not anymore.
Simon ditches Marque Lynch as a "stage singer" as Randy dismisses Tiara Purefoy. Eric Yoder paddles back to... Nope. I have no idea where he's going.
But I know it isn't in the general direction of the stage, where Ryan, ever the dutiful little blog reader he must surely be, asks each contestant to name the song to be sung.
Thank you, my sadly-dressed friend.
On to the people who still sing here!
01 - Jon Peter Lewis - A Little Less Conversation
I can't say a damn thing about his voice, but God he's fun to watch! I had a ball with all that shaking - and the judges did, too.
Randy thinks his voice holds up, Paula says he made everyone smile (including me) and Simon thinks the entire performance is "horrible".
I'm going to lock Simon in Al Capone's vault with Jon Voight and some turkeys, see if he learns to find the funny.
02 - Elizabeth Letendre - The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
Fortunately for Lizzy, she never got past the first two lines in her initial audition or she'd never have made it to the bus. This is just terrible. And grating.
And not over quickly enough.
Randy says she's pitchy but good, Paula's earrings have convinced her Liz has great control ("Say you love it, Pawler") and Simon agrees with them, but doesn't believe she has the "it" factor.
Although the lovely boy spent much of that segment with his hands over his nipples like a shy centerfold wannabe. Don't know what that was about.
03 - Katie Webber - So Emotional
Katie looks like an old Britney Spears with less talent, and you must know by now how I feel about that situation.
Randy isn't blown away, Paula says it's a "real performance" and Simon calls her Jessica Simpson - not a very good singer but nice as part of a package.
Speaksy likens her to a Scud missile - offensive and inaccurate.
Me, too.
04 - George Huff - Lean on Me
Team Speaks has at last decided what's wrong with this poor child - doesn't he remind you of a Mexican fainting goat? Like at any moment, something will startle him and he'll either scream like a little girl, or hit the floor face-first?
What are you doing, George? The Sexual Chocolate bit wasn't good in Coming to America, it wasn't a funny joke when I used it last year and it sure as hell isn't nice coming from you.
Randy calls him, "really good!" Paula really enjoys it and Simon makes no comment on his singing, but says he has an advantage because people want him to do well.
Dammit. Now I feel sorry for him. Crap crap crap.
05 - Suzy Vulaca - I Will Survive
Suzy breaks out of Justin Guarini's dressing room and invades Tamyra Gray's - but it's a good look and a great sound, so I'm a much happier girl.
Randy says she's really good overall, Paula commends her for her vocal growth and power, and Simon says she did very well.
Ryan about Simon: "He does that back door thing."
G rating my ass.
Somebody's ass.
06 - Matthew Metzger - When I See You Smile
Matthew has not sung well once in our presence. I don't know what or who he's doing, or if he's just part of the Corey Clark Project of People Who Suck But the Judges Can't Hear It, but the fact that Scooter Girl is watching this shmoe from home just fries my grits.
Open your damn mouth, Matthew. And don't smile. You remind me of those Orbit gum commercials.
Ding.
Randy calls him inconsistent, Paula loves his personality and "heart-throb-ness" and Simon thinks there's something missing.
Matthew says it's "self-confidence".
I say it's Scooter Girl.
07 - Sheena Vladowski - Let's Stay Together
Quit touching yourself.
Randy finds her "real good", Paula says she has an amazing, mature, blues-y sound and Simon completely disagrees. He calls the performance shaky and ordinary.
I'll let you out of the vault now, Simon.
08 - Jennifer Hudson - I Believe in You and Me
I believe we have a winner. Sure, she looks like a Play-Doh fun factory and on that last note her face takes on the distinct, "a duck just bit me on the ass" expression we all know and love, but I'd buy her CD.
And Jon Peter Lewis' video.
Randy calls it the best performance of the night, Paula says she conveys a story with her voice (they're called lyrics, dear) and Simon says vocally, they've always loved her, and she has a great personality.
Before the final goodbyes we get a commercial for Kotex quiet pad wrappers. Isn't that fantastic? Now if they could only package them in a Pringles box we'd be home free!
Ah, Ryan. Be a dear and suggest that to P&G, would you?
Four contestants move on. We choose one; the judges choose three.
If Sheena Vladowski is one of the three I'm going to send some of those Kotex quiet wrap pads to Simon's house.
Have a great night, everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:12 PM [+] ::
...
Dear Psyche,:: Thursday, March 04, 2004 ::
If you're going to give me nightmares during my naps now, we need to establish a few ground rules.
First, I do not now drive, nor have I ever driven, a Pinto, in orange or any other color.
Second, George Hamilton does not make a good character in any medium. My dreams are no exception.
Third, when you send George Hamilton on a purple Spree to chase me in my orange Pinto down the streets of downtown Madison, Wisconsin, a place I have never been, I know what you're trying to do. I do not appreciate attempts to call my waking sanity into question, no matter how humorous the pursuit may be for you.
My fourth grievance, related to the third, involves sending random strangers into my dreams to tell me I'm crazy and try to take my car. Pinto or otherwise.
And finally, if I am running through a field for any reason, there had better not be a spider within a ten mile radius of me. With or without the car. Do not nest them in my hair. Do not plant them in my palms. Do not wrap me in a web or allow any part of my body to come into contact with a web.
And do not wake me up just before Brad Whitford shows up with a can of Raid.
I loathe you.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:41 PM [+] ::
...
Living in the Fishbowl:: Wednesday, March 03, 2004 ::
I've been jeered. I've been insulted. I've been cyberstalked, and I've been the target of a massive "I'm Simon's ex-girlfriend" email attack spanning several months and multiple screen names.
But I've never had my life actually threatened before.
Enter Dumbass.
Dumbass wrote to HFS/JS Industries looking to pick a fight with Simon. I replied, "you're a dumbass" (only I used more words). Several strange emails later, Dumbass threatened to track me down by my email address, come to my house and "exterminate my stupidity", among other things.
So I took a nap.
Then I reported him to AOL.
Who are these people? Believe me, I take my fanship pretty personally, but in the end it's all just entertainment. Give it up tomorrow for the Greater Good? Sure I would.
So how does someone's worldview get so twisted that threatening another human being over a television show seems okay?
My next email will be to Fox; not that I'm particularly worried this person has two brain cells to rub together and spark a plan, but it can't hurt to give them a heads up.
My last order of business is to urge you to use extreme caution when engaging in any kind of internet activity. NEVER give anyone your real name or contact information. ALWAYS report any activity that makes you feel uncomfortable. If you have a website, I would strongly encourage you to establish a free email account with Yahoo or a similar provider to keep at least one layer of protection between you and "the public".
Because you never know when a full-on Dumbass may actually be a threat.
As for me? An ex-football-playing husband, three dogs, a security system and a gun.
And our new next-door-neighbor is Secret Service.
I'm covered.
HFS, you can move in with me.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 11:24 PM [+] ::
...
Blogging the Obvious:: Tuesday, March 02, 2004 ::
1. Paula must be shooting Mystic Tan commercials in her spare time.
2. Camerapersons should not drink vodka while filming. Witness the focus up Bikini!Model's skirt and the extended close-up on Crooner's hairline.
3. Nobody ever really liked Bikini!Model anyway.
4. Randy and Paula have no earthly idea what they're talking about.
5. John Stevens was always earmarked for the finals.
6. Jasmine's a lucky girl.
7. In a leg wrestling match, Scooter Girl could whip Matthew Metzger's butt.
8. On American Idol, close doesn't only count in horseshoes and hand grenades, unless it's just some weird space-time continuum bubble in Tiara's winged-hair world.
9. I'm watching West Wing for the commercials this season.
10. And for any signs of Josh/Donna lurve.
11. There haven't been any.
Good night,
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:15 PM [+] ::
...
A Sally, A Transvestite and Some Deaf-Assed Judges:: Monday, March 01, 2004 ::
It could only be one thing: American Idol: Group Four.
Has anyone else noticed that Ryan finally let his roots grow out? Good for you, Ryan! Would that every thousandaire were so fashion-forward. :)
Ah, Smilies for Sarcasm. Send your donations to the address on the left.
I must say I'm glad the preliminary rounds are almost over. Just one more to go, the always faboo woulda-coulda-shoulda week. D'ya think Scooter Girl will be back? Martha, maybe? Can we get away yet?
Now?
No, sorry; we have eight singers to recap. Shall we?
01 - Suzy Vulaca - Unbreak My Heart
I thought I heard Justin Guarini went to France to shake off his bad karma, but apparently the weather is better in Fiji. Good choice; he came back a better-dressed woman who can actually sing! In fact, she sings so well I hardly notice her.
Him.
Whatever.
Randy thinks it's a good song for her voice, Paula says she's shown a lot of improvement and Simon finds her "forgettable".
Hmmm... It's done.
02 - John Preator - That's What Love is All About
He's cute, I'll give him that, but what the hell is wrong with his voice? It's almost nasal and a little whiney, but that's not it. I just can't... John, are you from Bulgaria?
Randy finds the performance painful, Paula thinks he's pitchy (just you wait, Paula) and Simon sees him in a Beast suit on ice skates.
I'll bet that's pretty damn hard, actually.
03 - Heather Piccinini - New Attitude
This version of Sally evidently swallowed a mouse backstage, and she keeps making this porn pain face (and if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not going to be any more specific than that).
Heather's hurting me.
Randy calls her a lounge singer, Paula says it was cheesy, and Simon calls her desperate and, though she's "gorgeous", she looks "ugly" when she sings.
Porn pain face.
Simon knows what I'm saying there.
04 - John Stevens - She's Always a Woman
I love, love, love John as a standards guy but just can't get into this song with him. I really think it's his age.
Just cook a little longer, John. You'll be fanfreakingtastic.
All three judges miss his Franks and Deans singing, not really what this competition is about, but Simon hopes he does well because he's different.
Of course Simon wants him to go on. One, we need testosterone in this final and even an ex-XFL guy can't carry the whole team. Two, loose John's standards album on the world and watch the dollar signs rack up.
He's a three-seven win on a dollar slot machine, baby.
05 - Jasmine Trias - Run to You
Apparently, shucking her braces after the first round of auditions made J sing through her nose. She has a good voice with a little all-over-the-place-ness, that sadly turns into a good voice with an overwhelming disregard for the written note. She might actually be making this up as she goes along.
Like me.
Randy loves her voice for its potential but calls her on the pitch problems, Paula thinks she's a "pro" (wrestler?) and Simon says she's good enough for him.
She's just not good enough for me.
06 - George Huff - Always and Forever
This is a nice voice. Not a CD I would buy on eBay, but nice.
Except for the sharp flat sharp flat FLAAAAAAAT thing, but whatever.
Randy calls him the best male singer yet, Paula loves his tone and Simon doesn't see enough charisma there for George to be a star.
He does one hell of a Randy impersonation, though.
07 - Lisa Wilson - COME TO MY WINDOW
Yeah. They should have left her in the pool with Cheesecake.
Randy thinks she's pitchy and out of her range, Paula finds her incessant screaming "grating" and Simon predicts a swift end to her AI career.
And talks about her enormous, Trenyce-shaped mouth for a while.
Which brings us back to porn, doesn't it.
08 - Tiara Purifoy - I Wanna Dance with Somebody
And I wanna FLAT turn the TV off. SHARP Her voice is all right, I suppose.
SHARP
I hate repeating a gag, but she made me do it, I swear.
Randy condemns the nasty key change but brands Tiara the best of the night, Paula thinks she pushed too hard but is still top two of this year's competition, and Simon thinks they are both just completely insane.
Der.
WOOHOO! Now I can start flooding Fox with pleas for Scooter Girl's return!
Aw, damn. Not yet.
Tune in tomorrow night for the results! C'mon, John Stevens!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:51 PM [+] ::
...
Let them eat BBQ pork rinds!
I don't like pork rinds. Honestly, there aren't many foods I do like. The fact that all of them are off limits to me right now does not depress me at all.
Nope. Not at all. Not one bit. Not even a little.
None.
Because, in addition to cutting back on the cursing, I have given up pity parties for Lent.
Of course, both cursing and pity parties made grand reappearances today when I stuffed a couple of zero-carb BBQ pork rinds in my face at lunch today and struggled not to heave them back up when I spied the word SUGAR tucked away on the back of the bag.
SUGAR.
How something can tout carbohydrate-free-ness and still list SUGAR as the second ingredient, I'm sure only the Wizard of Utz knows for sure.
Violence? I didn't give up violence for Lent.
All I wanted was something crunchy, for sobbing out loud - something other than lettuce, which, were I being honest, I would tell you I loathe with a passion normally reserved for such tasks as scrubbing out the litter box and going to work. Seriously, if your dog won't eat something, neither should you.
Except red hots. There's a loophole for red hots.
I guess the worst part of this whole thing is, Speaksy had exactly the same experience with those BBQ pork rinds just a week ago. He stood right in the middle of the kitchen - just over there! - and spit out a few bits of crunchy goodness IN MY PRESENCE, and together we waltzed the freshly-opened bag right out the back door into the trash can.
What.
The hell.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:58 PM [+] ::
...
