:: Saturday, May 31, 2003 ::
Update from Atlanta:: Tuesday, May 27, 2003 ::
Good morning, kids! What the hell day is it? According to my blog calendar it's Saturday, so I guess I'll go with that. Where have I been? Let's see...
Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
Up at 4:45 to finish packing for 8:30am flight, Washington Dulles to Atlanta. Arrive at pick-up point promptly at 6. Boss says little while I use up daily word quotient on way to airport. Juice Newton comes up. Regret that immediately.
7:35am at the gate. Half-assed watch CNN and contemplate coffee/no coffee. Hate to pee on planes, so no coffee. Miguel the non-English speaking announcer guy mispronounces our flight and is overrun by an announcement for a flight to Greensomething anyway. At final boarding call we figure it out and board the plane, described as "second plane on the left".
My car is bigger than this fucking plane. I'm not kidding. Guy next to me keeps smacking me with his paper and waking me up. I realize he has the Washington Post, USA Today and Wall Street Journal over there, yet Mr. High-Powered-Business-Man is reading Dear Abbey and Peanuts.
Smooth.
Arrive in Atlanta. Cabbie has some sort of middle eastern flag pasted to dashboard, and laminated pictures of Jesus pinned everywhere else. Suppose he thought we might want to pray, given his driving disability. Thoughtful boy. Hotel is all right and have remainder of day off. What to do? Well, shop, of course! Except...
THEY CLOSED MY DOWNTOWN MACY'S!!! WHAT.THE.FUCK?
In Atlanta 2.5 hours and am ready to flee screaming. Instead have barricaded self in hotel room and released breasts from cruel bondage. Am launching Free Cell for non-shopping entertainment.
Consuming baklava to self-medicate against bitterness.
Later on Wednesday
Found reason to stay. Dinner at outdoor cafe (weather is gorgeous!) yields triple chocolate cake. Makes highlight reel OF MY LIFE. On walk home random stranger starts frisbee fun with Boss across a busy street. Frisbee is an American Idol trinket. I miss you guys! End up in hotel bar with Amaretto Sours. Mmmmhhh...
Thursday, May 29th, 2003
Work is...fine. Afterwards go to Buckhead for dinner at ESPN Zone (outdoor table again, beautiful) to be harassed about taking glass bottles outside. Eventually win the fight. Later tour bars in area that feature scantily clad women swinging on swings in front window, and lots of silicone.
Should mention I'm here with mostly men.
Friday, May 30, 2003
More work. Cute shoes in convention center = tired feet. Cut out for Spa Night with client and friends, opt for "pedisage" (pedicure and foot massage). Luscious man named Avery is tour guide for this trip to heaven. Follow up with wine and chocolate covered strawberries. Return to hotel and melt over chair like a Dali clock. Sigh. Turn in early.
Which brings me to this morning. I have the morning off (this is the best trip EVER!), so I thought I'd stop in and say hello! I hope you're all having a fantastic week, and I'll try to pipe up again soon! I'm off to hunt for some breakfast and a box I Fed Exed to myself. Wish me luck on the latter; getting stuff out of hotel business centers is a trial all on its own...
Love and miss you all,
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:57 AM [+] ::
...
ON THE ROAD:: Monday, May 26, 2003 ::
Hey kids! I haven't even started packing yet because I finally got my shopping groove back! WOOHOO!!
Yeah, I know. It's 10 and I have to meet my ride at 6am. I should be doing something other than sitting here at the computer. I'm almost sure of it...
I'm going to go figure out what that is. I'll try to check in from the road, but if I can't I'll be back on June 7th! I'll miss you!
Hugs and kisses!
Juliet
PS - What luck for me that the Louisiana serial killer has been spotted in Atlanta, my fun-filled (business) destination. Of course, I could just stay here with Fort Detrick two miles away, where they are clearing out a building known in town as "the anthrax building". Apparently they've found several vials full of live bacteria in the building, but they don't know what they all are. Serial killer v. deadly disease. Not sure which city I should be rooting for here... ;)
:: happy hour begins at 10:12 PM [+] ::
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The Apathy Continues...:: Sunday, May 25, 2003 ::
Happy Monday NOT AT WORK!!!! WOOHOO!!! Okay, so I still have work to do, but at least I'm in my pajamas!
Yes, still, but they're clean ones, I promise!
Am I doing my work? No, of course not. I'm working on my new fic (which won't be ready for quite a while, so don't hold your breath) and thinking about all the crap I have to do. I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you I'll be out of commission for ten days, beginning on Wednesday. I'll be in Atlanta on business through June 6th so I probably won't be able to check in, but I'll try! I'll miss you!
That said, perhaps now you can understand why the lack o' shopping motivation is disturbing (not that it wouldn't be at any other time, but now I HAVE to do it and STILL can't). I need a manicure and some other salon-y things. I need shoes. I need clothes. I need a travel toothbrush.
I need more sleep. Staying up 'til 4am two days in a row (because of the damn fic) is not a good idea.
So, I'm going to go write some more, maybe think about working, maybe not. Don't know. But hey, at least I lost the Britney Spears abomination. Give me a little credit.
Love you all! TTYS!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 1:08 PM [+] ::
...
Simon Central
Hey gang! HFS and I finally wised up and put all our sites in one place to make things more convenient for everyone. Enter Simon Central at http://simonpics.com/simoncentral/
There you'll find links to the Simon Dolls site, Simon Cowell University, The World According to Juliet (my blog), It's Always Somethingk (HFS' blog), Stealing Simon's Heart (fanfic board), and the Simon Pic of the Day site. Anytime we launch a new site (and there are some in the works) the link will be added there as well.
We also have a links page for non-HFS/JS Industries sites; if you have a site you'd like added there please put our button on your site (it's on the links page, too) and email us at hfs_js@yahoo.com.
Looking at all these sites it's no wonder we're so tired! LOL Have fun!
Thanks!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 3:57 PM [+] ::
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I Can't Believe It's Come to This:: Saturday, May 24, 2003 ::
I'm listening to Britney Spears now and I STILL haven't gone shopping. I don't know how things got this bad, I just know I can't go on like this. It isn't right.
:: happy hour begins at 2:23 PM [+] ::
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The Last Day
I've been seriously derelict in my fanfic duties, but I just posted an odd little bit on Stealing Simon's Heart. It's anything but romantic, kinda angst-y, but I'm feeling melodramatic today.
Sorry. LOL
J
:: happy hour begins at 7:24 PM [+] ::
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Put on your ice skates, Terri:: Friday, May 23, 2003 ::
I don't feeling like shopping today.
I don't know if it's because Simon is leaving us or if it's this Enya CD I'm listening to, but I can't seem to scratch up the will to do anything. I'm perfectly content to sit here in my pajamas and read MORE Josh/Donna West Wing fanfic, except I'm not even doing that. I'm just skipping around through stories I've already read.
Lack o' motivation.
Actually, this CD (A Day Without Rain) reminds me of writing my first Simon fanfic, "For One Night Only" (the Elizabeth story). I wrote all the scenes at her house in Connecticut listening to this.
You know, maybe that's an idea! (Aw crap, I used an exclamation point. There goes my energy for the day.) Anyway, maybe I should ask you all to propose a song and I'll write a fic for the song. I wonder if I could do that... Probably not. Meh.
All right, since I'm not doing a damn thing I'm going to issue you a challenge! To my UK readers: since we in the US have lost our American Idol, we need one of YOU to recap Pop Idol and Cupid eps, and UK Simon news for us! If you want to try and don't have your own weblog I'll be happy to help you set one up, and I'd be more than thrilled to link to you. Please please please? For me?
Yikes, that was a lot of exclamation points. I didn't know I had them in me today. Unfortunately they've left me sliding off my chair because it's too difficult to sit upright. I'll just go now.
Talk to you soon!
Juliet
PS - To the blasphemers who think Nicholas Cowell is hotter than Simon, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? As President of the non-existent Simon Cowell fan club I hereby revoke your membership and suspend all worshipping privileges. You are not worthy.
:: happy hour begins at 12:42 PM [+] ::
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S.O.S.:: Thursday, May 22, 2003 ::
Hey kids! Well, I'm giving up on these damned shouts and trying something new on my beta blog. Would you guys mind heading over there and letting me know what you think of the new system? The beta blog address is julietsotherlife.blogspot.com. Give it a run and if you like it, I'll change this blog over, too!
I really hate to switch now and lose all the old comments we've accumulated since January, but what's the point of a commenting system if you can't comment? LOL
Love you all! Thanks!
Juliet
PS - Um, just ignore all my posts over there and anything strange you see on the page. It's a mess, but hey, it has shouts! ;)
:: happy hour begins at 9:47 PM [+] ::
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At the End of the Day:: Wednesday, May 21, 2003 ::
Hey kids! How was YOUR day today? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, I accomplished exactly NOTHING today.
I started out with the best of intentions. Get to work early, pour myself some coffee, start wading through the reams of paper littering my desk and have it cleaned off before the rest of the team arrived for work. Uber-Capable-Kick-Ass-Woman-And-Everybody-Knows-It showed up, but she never stood a chance.
On opening her browser Uber-Capable-Kick-Ass-Woman-And-Everybody-Knows-It instantly morphed into Puddle-of-Goo-Giggle-Til-Her-Head-Falls-Off. God damned Pic of the Day site.
But I recovered! Not all the way back to Uber-Capable-Kick-Ass-Woman-And-Everybody-Knows-It, more like Damn-It-I-Will-Not-Let-This-Get-The-Better-Of-Me, but I was taking what I could get. Deleted some emails, ran some reports, checked my voice mail and was greeted by the voice of another AI fan and indulgent well-wisher asking me what I thought of the show last night.
As I slipped back down into Puddle-of-Goo-Giggle-Til-Her-Head-Falls-Off I wondered if my pencil was sharp enough to go all the way through my eye.
But I am stronger than Simon and his open-mouthed kissing! I say that; we know I don't mean it. What I mean is I climbed a few rungs up from the gutter into She-Who-Can-Still-Find-Her-Office-From-The-Hallway-Even-Though-She-Isn't-Sure-What-To-Do-When-She-Gets-There. And once in that mode I coasted, still shuffling papers but more pushing them around than anything. After a while I entertained thoughts of attempting something more strenuous, something more than mere recognition of the tasks before me, but I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I SHOULD have closed my office door.
I had another visitor.
Excuse me while I perform seppuku with my letter opener.
So I started the morning at Uber-Capable-Kick-Ass-Woman-And-Everybody-Knows-It, slipped down to Damn-It-I-Will-Not-Let-This-Get-The-Better-Of-Me with a detour into Puddle-of-Goo-Giggle-Til-Her-Head-Falls-Off, and emerged as She-Who-Can-Still-Find-Her-Office-From-The-Hallway-Even-Though-She-Isn't-Sure-What-To-Do-When-She-Gets-There. Which would be okay, except that by 9am I had assumed my permanent shape, the one into which I formed my body for the entire rest of the workday, and the one in which I still find myself as I type this to you.
Head-On-The-Desk.
Hope you all fared better than I did! And if not, here's to tomorrow!
Hugs!
Juliet, Defender of All Things Simon Except Kisses From Women Who Are Not Me
:: happy hour begins at 7:13 PM [+] ::
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HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO RECAP THIS??:: Tuesday, May 20, 2003 ::
Good Christ, I just got my head out from between my knees. How am I going to type?
I think you all know what I'm talking about, and it isn't related to the competition. I'm going to try this, but God only knows how long I'll last before I have to go back to the couch and hyperventilate for a while. It's okay, I can do this. I. Can. Do. This. I'll just go from my notes and, you know, try to put the... Oh God. Okay, no, it's behind me.
Right.
Hello everyone, and welcome to the Julietspeaks American Idol 2003 Finale recap! I'm sitting here with my beer and some peanut brittle, trying to give the night the proper sense of occasion it deserves by wearing a fancy bra. Can you see me? Excellent!
We start the night with a recap of the early days of the season; wow, we were really gluttons for punishment back then, huh? It's small comfort that so are the viewers in the UK, Lebanon, Germany and France. But look at it this way: KEITH WAS THE WORST ONE! THE US WINS AGAIN!
Backstage Ruben is camped out in his dressing room, mellow just short of flatlining. Oh, to have an ounce of that boy's composure when the pressure is on. I have some, I'm not a total idiot, but this guy is about to fall asleep back there! Damn!
Across the hall stands Clay in his Barbie Retro Townhouse, and his mood is as calm as can be expected with all those psychedelic pink shapes and fuzzy chairs. Hell, he's so nervous even his hair is laying down! I'm feeling ya, Clay. Just don't hurl onstage, okay?
On to the judges! Paula looks stunning in a figure-flattering red dress, her first fashion score of the year. Randy looks very dapper as well, but then there's Simon. Simon Simon Simon. If I licked your face would you be offended? I can almost taste your skin, rough under my tongue...
Jesus Christ, I'm still on the first page of my notes. How the hell am I going to get through this? Oooohhh...
I'm okay. I'll get a beer to cool me off. Yeah, like that's gonna help.
Back from a commercial break Clay and Ruben are introduced on stage dressed like orderlies and we learn just how close the vote last night was. According to Ryan, the tally was 50.28% to 49.72%. With millions of votes it's easy to understand how those accountants messed up the number of votes separating them. Sugar Ray Leonard shows up to give us the breakdown and I have a sudden flash of what a fight between Clay and Ruben would really look like. I should say sound like, because it would likely end up with Ruben standing alone and Clay screaming his head off as he ran out of frame.
But I digress.
Let's haul out the top 12 again, this time with Kelly Clarkson and a choir to sing One Voice. Everyone is in white, explaining the orderlies impression from a few paragraphs ago, but that doesn't stop this whole thing from being very strange. Maybe it's this bra I'm wearing; it really is pretty, but it's starting to piss me off.
After another ad set Kelly comes back to sing Miss Independent. Crash and burn, eh Mav? Good ol' Clive Davis puts in an appearance to tell us tonight's results don't really matter and to give Kelly her platinum award for Thankful. (Where were the Academy Award music-off-ers when we need them?)
And then it happens. IT happens. IT is a shipper's wet dream, their reason for watching in the first place, the "what is this show rated again?" moment of the season. IT had champagne, shared strawberries and finger-delivered whipped cream.
IT put me on my ass.
Okay, how many of you expected them to cut away before the kiss? Go on, don't be shy, raise those hands! And how many of you were on the floor there with me? How many of you are still down there?
I can't do this. I gotta lie down. I'll be right back.
Sorry about that. Where were we? Oh, right.
Damn. Give me another minute.
After a commercial break a medley breaks out with all the finalists who aren't carrying weapons or in jail, and I just couldn't care less at this point. I've pretty much stopped taking notes because my penmanship has gotten so bad. Well, wait, there are Sally and the Sheep, bringing me enough disgust to write it down. Then Clay sings his solo with the group, and the following exchange occurs:
Mr. Speaks: Clay? This is the voice you wanted to vote for?
Juliet: I just want to see Simon kiss me again.
Mr. Speaks: Don't you mean Paula?
Juliet: Whatever.
Just keep your head down and you'll be all right. Breathe, breathe, in, out. Deep breath. Oh, recap! Right.
So there is another set of ads here and Mr. Speaks is trying to talk to me about global warming or something, I don't know. He asks me if I'm okay, and when I don't respond he writes it on my notepad. I didn't even see it until just now, writing it all out for you. Wow.
Clay, Ruben and Kim Locke come out to regale us with their superstar medley, and I'm just totally nonresponsive. Mr. Speaks has given up and gone to the computer, which is just as well. All I know at this point is there are only forty minutes left until I can rewind the tape again and see the
I need to get this under control. My face is tight. I think I might pass out or something. God help me help me help me...
Apparently Ruben comes in to reprise Flying Without Wings, and Clay follows him up with Bridge Over Troubled Water. Great, excellent, fine. I NEED THIS TO END!
But it doesn't; instead Clay and Ruben duet with Ain't No Stopping Us Now, a disco shot with a Pimp Ford ad chaser. Are we there yet? Patience has never been one of my virtues (well, okay, if I had any virtues let's say I wouldn't even try for that one), but the more Ryan hypes how close the vote was the less I care about the outcome. How does that work?
But fortunately, after yet another commercial interruption Clay and Ruben are back onstage in their tuxedos, and even though there were only 1,335 votes between them, somebody has to win.
Ruben Studdard.
Mr. Speaks yells, "There is a God!" and I mutter, "Yeah, Simon" as my husband conducts his victory wiggle dance. Ruben sings again and fights back the tears as contestants past join him onstage (fucking Sally right up front). Clay talks too much and Ruben says too little, but we'll be hearing greater things from him soon.
We have a new American Idol, everyone, and he's totally worthy. It's been a wonderful ride, and as much as I can't wait to get out of this bra and rewind the tape (again) I have to tell you how much I've loved having you all here with me through the season. Ruben isn't the only one feeling blessed tonight.
So have a great night, and the next time Simon decides to kiss someone on camera you'll know in your hearts, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!
Hugs!
Juliet
Defender of all things Cuddles
:: happy hour begins at 11:06 PM [+] ::
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The Last of The Tuesday Night Lovefests:: Monday, May 19, 2003 ::
I can't believe it's almost over! I can't believe the season went by so quickly! I can't believe Ryan wore that ruffled shirt!
Well, the first two, anyway.
Welcome to the last Tuesday night recap of 2003! It's a black and white night with the judges and contestants all sporting the mix of all colors and the absence of light. Here's hoping Clay and Ruben brought the goods to distract us from Paula's ripped-shirt-held-together-with-dental-floss fashion statement, and the hat she leant to Randy! Let's see...
01-1 -- Ruben Studdard - A House is Not a Home -- I hate this song, and it's harder than hell to sing. The judges don't seem to notice, but Ruben is struggling with it. Attention spanless Simon spends HIS camera time staring off to his right, and I spend my couch time wondering when the song will end. This does not bode well.
And already we have a commercial break. Does it seem to anyone else that this show doesn't have the same sense of occasion we felt last season? There's so much more hype this time, and maybe I let it get to me. Only time will tell...
02-1 -- Clay Aiken - This is the Night - It's an original song and I like it, but I think I like it because Clay is singing the hell out of it. Once I am able to tear my attention away from the PacMan props in the background, I am surprised to find that Clay has my vote right now. I certainly didn't expect that coming in. What I did expect is Transcendental Paula, who must have been taking some Shirley MacLaine workshops to come up with her critique. What did Simon say? I don't know, but I love how they music'ed him off like Elizabeth Taylor at the Academy Awards.
Bring on another set of commercials and a round of "There's a hilarious South Park episode in this" at the Speaks house. Paula would make a spectacular alien (poor Cartman), and wouldn't Clay be cute as Starvin Marvin? Except SM is in space now... Anyway...
01-2 -- Ruben Studdard - Imagine - Being haunted by John Lennon, are we Ryan? The song is all right in terms of competition music, and Ruben's performance is all right, too. But he has props! It's a mini-orchestra! Hm.
Another ad, another comparison to last season, only this time I'm feeling exactly the same way I did before. Both Ruben and Clay have been spectacular throughout the season, but like Justin and Kelly, one of them is clearly outsinging the other. I'm actually quite fascinated by this turn of events, and I wonder if the rest of America is feeling this, too.
02-2 -- Clay Aiken - Here, There and Everywhere - What did they do, try to drown him during the break? Get some light on the boy's face, people! He looks positively FRIGHTENING! Clay has a prop, too - a harp, which is none too helpful, but he is absolutely sang the crap out of the song. I don't like the song, but I'm starting to love Clay. Mr. Speaks is starting to think about divorcing me if I vote for -02, but I am stronger than mere marital threats. I'm actually on this kid's bandwagon for the first time in weeks! JUST STOP WITH THE BACKLIGHTING - I JUST WATCHED THE RING! NOW I'LL NEVER SLEEP!
Ryan drags out another tired AT&T text messaging vote over which of three Ford ads we liked the best: Flipping Burgers, Pimps or Clay and Ruben "Hook Up". Is there a deselect option? Will the Ford dealer take my Expedition back?
Ad. Again.
01-3 -- Ruben Studdard - Flying Without Wings - My least favorite Westlife tune, of course, but Ruben is doing very well with this one. And look! He has a choir! But the perfect moment in this performance goes to Simon for "best look of boredom/annoyance/please.God.shoot.me.now.ism" during the Paula hold hands and sway thing. Classic! Damn, I'm gonna miss him. Sniff.
02-3 -- Clay Aiken - Bridge Over Troubled Water - My marriage might be over because Clay has just locked my vote. Of course, Andrew Lloyd Weber is selling his soul right now for Ruben to win because Joseph is already suited up in the dreamcoat. I see what Simon is saying about Clay being broadway, I have all along, but I don't care. I like Clay, I like Broadway, and worst case scenario they can throw him in The Pirates of Penzance to hide the blinky eye behind a patch. I'm throwing in for Clay and the cute heave face he puts on for the post-critique moment.
Another ad. Pandemonium ensues when I announce my Clay decision, followed by a heated discussion about what an American Idol is, anyway. I maintain it's whatever the hell we, the voters, say it is. Mr. Speaks says, "It's not Clay." I guess we'll find out tomorrow!
We return to Paul Anka's American Idol My Way, which embarrasses Simon into a giggle fit. That's enough for me! Ryan announces a three hour tour for us to vote, and we graciously accept the challenge. I say we; I mean you - Mr. Speaks has hidden all the phones.
But I'll find a way. He can't stay up forever...
Have a great night, everyone, and don't forget to vote your favorite! In the end, both singers did exceptionally well and I won't be heartbroken if my chosen boy doesn't win. Simon will take care of him anyway.
Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:50 PM [+] ::
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Bootsie and the Fan
Hey kids! I'm not up for doing a recap of tonight's AI fluff show, but I do have a few things I wanted to share with you. (When is that NOT true?)
I'm going to start with a rather peculiar phone call I got from HFS during a commercial break halfway through the show. HFS, self-proclaimed non-girlie-girl (who still likes her manicures, thank you) has taken exception with -- what else? -- Simon's Girlie Boots. "They lace up!" she announced. "They do? Like bedsteppers or something?" "They do," she replied. "You have to look!"
I didn't get a chance to see the laces, I'm afraid; the cameraman must have my cell phone tapped or something and knew to keep clear of further dainty footwear close-ups. But I have the technology; after Everybody Loves Raymond I'll be checking that out. Ya, you betcha. (Of course, this conversation sparked similar discourse between Mr. Speaks and me, during which he pointed out you can always tell Europeans by their footwear. "But they have such great designers!" I protested. "Two words: Exported. Wares" he replied, and a vision of Simon in pointy-toed wooden clogs scorched my brain. I could have lived without that. Maybe I won't rewind the tape after all...)
AND, we have proof that Simon is ticklish! I don't know where I read that question, whether it was on MSN or Bolt (which SUCKS), but at least now we know! What a riot! I must say, in the opening segment the triumvirate seemed much more at ease than they have all season. Simon had the giggles right off the bat (thanks to Ryan and his body slam) and just never recovered, and everyone seemed more playful and relaxed than normal. Oh, to be a fly on the wall when these people are together off-camera.
Screw that.
Oh, to be naked in a bathtub with also-naked Simon. As long as we're admitting wishes here.
I was thrilled to see Vanessa back onstage, and jarred beyond reason when my dreamy eyes lit upon Sally. That girl still pisses me off, and it took me some time to recover. But then they dragged up a fan to scare the shit out of Clay by reciting the obscure trivia of his life, and I had a moment: the one moment which defines and illuminates my love for Simon Cowell and his boots, his hair with product, his ticklish torso and the petal-soft lips I long to feel pressed against my own.
Simon watched Clay's excitement about having a fan turn to abject horror at realizing his entire life (from his sexual preference to the color of his underwear) was now open for speculation, deconstruction and glorification, and I knew, in my heart of hearts...Simon was thinking of me.
Hugs everyone! Have a great night!
Juliet, Defender of All Things Simon
:: happy hour begins at 9:40 PM [+] ::
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Strategy:: Saturday, May 17, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I'm writing this late Sunday night for two reasons; first, I know when I hit the office tomorrow morning I won't have a chance to pee, much less blog, and second, I watched The Ring tonight and freaked myself out so badly my head hurts. I may never sleep again.
Here's a question for you: do you really believe Paula when she tells every single contestant they are wonderful, smashing, brilliant? No, I sure as hell hope not. So why are AI fans are coming down so hard on Simon for using a little subtle manipulation to create the finale he wants to see? According to a recent article (click here to read it) Simon admits that he tried to sway viewers into voting for Ruben over Kim Locke as we entered the penultimate week of the show:
While Ruben was clearly better on camera than he was during rehearsal, Kimberley still outsang him. Yet Cowell muzzled his praise for her and spared Ruben his trademark venom. “When there’s only three left, you are going to be slightly tactical,” Cowell admits. “What you’re trying to do, if you can, is to tell the audience who you want to be in the final. You’re not getting accurate judging. You’re not.”
No, I don't believe Paula's drivel either. I don't believe everything campaign ads say when I go to the polls in November, and I don't think I'm evil for flirting with the handy-dad at Home Depot to get him to help me make a purchasing decision or reach a high shelf. We all have our tricks for getting what we want without hitting people over the head with our tactics. This is the way the world works.
I think people are upset with Simon because they placed their trust in him, that he would always tell us the truth. But he never agreed to that. We inferred the promise from his statements, such as, he tries to say what people at home are thinking. So what is Simon thinking week after week? We don't know; he doesn't say.
In the end the point is moot anyway; the kids with their autodialers weren't voting for Kim; adults were, and not in enough numbers to get her in the top two. We all knew that, and it has nothing at all to do with anything Simon has or has not said or done over the last five months. Just like you, just like me, Simon has chosen his candidates for the top spots and he's rooting for them. Just like Paula, just like Randy. Just like every voting viewer in America.
I should really try to sleep, but that movie is still pissing me off. I bought some cute shoes this weekend; maybe I'll take them to bed with me.
Have a great day!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:11 AM [+] ::
...
HEY!
HFS and I have a brand new Simon site for you! It's our very own institute of higher learning, Simon Cowell University! I've added it to my toolbar, and you can access it from the doll site as well.
Have fun! And HFS, you are the BEST! Love you!
Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:29 PM [+] ::
...
Did you know that...
...Maryland's state song is just O Christmas Tree with different words?
I might have to move now.
:: happy hour begins at 6:03 PM [+] ::
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A Non Sequitur Extravaganza:: Friday, May 16, 2003 ::
Happy Saturday, everyone! I hope you're all having a nice day wherever you are. It's 48 degrees here and that sucks, but at least I'm not at work, right?
Speaking of work, B! Where the hell are ya? I just watched West Wing and DAMN! C'MERE! I take it back! I like you better than C, I promise!
Does ANYONE like cliff hangers? Yes, I understand the twisted thrill we writers get from imagining your faces when we screw you, but hey, I never left anyone in pissoffedness for more than a few days. Season enders suck! Dan Connor is the President, Joey and Rachel are making out and I'm stuck like this until the fall! What the hell?!
At least AI will wrap itself up properly next week. Does anyone really care who wins at this point? Okay, yeah, most of you do, but I don't. Both boys will get contracts with Simon and Kim won't. What else do I need to know?
I did find a blogger today who is a stripper and a Clay fan. What a combination! She gets odd site search hits, too, like Carmen Rasmusen nude (one of my faves as well), but she didn't mention my personal best: Ryan/Clay slash fic. Who the hell is looking for THAT? If it doesn't have Simon in it, why bother? LOL
Hey, just thought you should know I forsook chocolate yesterday for a carrot cake brownie with cream cheese frosting. That won't help me get into my favorite black pedal pushers, but it's a moral victory. (Unlike the Junior Mints I inhaled this morning. I'm a blogger, not a saint.)
I'm trying to get a new perspective on our Simon fanfic ventures, hoping somehow I'll be inspired to write. It's not working. But HFS and I DID cook up something new at the doll site, an ode to that fucking white Armani sweater! With our luck he'll leave it in a drawer in his new house when he goes back to the UK so when he returns, it's all he has to wear. Dammit.
We're still working on the new site, btw. Okay, I'M still working on it; HFS is done and has been for weeks. I'm the slacker. Sigh.
Enough topic hopping for you? One more: I'm so far behind in my Simon viewing it's insane; I have hours of Extra eps to watch but Mr. Speaks has taken over the TV with an Ang Lee flick on the Independent Film channel. I guess subtitles take precedence over hotties with questionable fashion choices.
For now.
Congrats to Brittany for her lock on yesterday's movie line challenge, As Good as it Gets! Excellent work! I have no line for today, unless you count the one I'll be standing in at Victoria's Secret later this afternoon. I don't know what it is about that place; the whole store smells like a spring breeze-scented pantyliner, but I just can't help myself. It's a sickness, I'm telling you!
Have a great day, everyone! Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 2:09 PM [+] ::
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Morning!:: Thursday, May 15, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! Better than last night anyway; no Simon on the radio, KFS was out of cake and we all but had a monsoon overnight. Hell, if I still drove the Miata I would have floated to work.
But Mr. Speaks, God bless him, brought me TWO boxes of Junior Mints to replace the cake so I can't say the night was a total loss. Love you, honey!
So I missed a day on the movie line challenge - sorry! How about, "This is too much reality for a Friday." If you know the movie, shout it out! Otherwise don't forget to watch Regis and Kelly and Good Day Live today - SIMON TIME!
Have a great day, everyone! Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:25 AM [+] ::
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So Much for Any Diet in the Western Hemisphere:: Wednesday, May 14, 2003 ::
I have never jonesed for chocolate like this in my life.
It started on Monday - both the chocolate fixation and the reason behind it. Somewhere around 2pm in the middle of an otherwise normal workday, I tore my pocketbook out of my handbag and raced for the basement vending machines. In my haste to dig out two quarters, a dime and a nickel I dropped pennies in my wake like a trail of breadcrumbs, and the sound they made against the commercial linoleum floor rang like Christmas bells in my ears. Just before me through the smudged plexiglass was a sight more beautiful, more awe-inspiring than any gold-wrapped gift could be.
It was a package of Ho-Hos, and it was mine.
I followed the forgotten pennies back to my desk, divesting the package of its gooey-sweet contents as I staggered through the halls in my sugar-and-Midol-induced haze. Before I reached my office the package was empty, and already I was craving more.
More, for Monday, meant a Snickers bar and a tub of Duncan Hines fudge frosting. I didn't even use a spoon.
On Tuesday it was Junior Mints, a package of Ding Dongs and a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby.
By Wednesday I had resolve! I was not going to let this thing kill me, dammit! Oh, such a noble thought for a woman who later inhaled a SOLID chocolate Easter bunny left over from my post-Lenten feast. I'm surprised I didn't get foil stuck in my teeth.
So far today, Thursday, I've been holding my own on a handful of peanut M&Ms and a Cadbury cream-filled egg. But at this very moment Mr. Speaks is braving a torrential downpour to deliver more Junior Mints and one of those KFC Pillsbury chocolate cakes into my trembling hands. Whether he does it out of love or out of fear for his safety matters not. What matters is the chocolate.
I can't imagine what pregnant women go through. Oh, every single month when the Cramp Fairy arrives I beg my husband to impregnate me so I won't have to go through this for nine whole months, but I never really mean it. I know the stork brings with it a whole host of new problems I can't even begin to contemplate in my current chocolate-less state, but for these few days each month I don't really give a flying rat's ass. I just don't want to have to worry every day that my teeth are blacked out by chocolate when I try to smile.
Not that I'm smiling much, mind you. Not these days. Not like this.
I'm going to go wait by the door for my Prince Charming and the bundt cake balm for my wretched soul, and if he has lost his mind enough to complain about having to venture out in such weather for so silly a request I will happily remind him that Hershey, PA, is not that far from here.
Do you hear that, Mr. Speaks? NOT THAT FAR!
Li'l Hershey's kisses for everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:10 PM [+] ::
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This is the Show That Never Ends:: Tuesday, May 13, 2003 ::
Hey everyone! Welcome back for the results show recap! Tonight marks the penultimate results show of 2003, a bittersweet realization made all the more poignant by Simon's stunning T.H.O.s. God, I'm going to miss those.
Anyway, after a nasty comment from Simon's "friend" Ryan we go to Paula in a cheap wedding dress and Randy, who as usual is the best dressed of them all. I don't know what Ryan is wearing - I pay him as little attention as possible - but damn, Clay's jacket is SHINY! I can't tell if those marks are texture in the fabric, or if the pattern just looks like some 70s office wallpaper. Either way, odd.
But the ensemble medley is anything but odd. In fact, it's about as easy listening as AI has the rights to get. At first I am calmed by the Vanilla Coke tunes, but a blanket of fear steals over me about halfway through it: it's not going to pep up, is it? This medley really is going to drag on just like this...forever.
Irrational fear, though, because after the commercial break we are graced with the presence of one Tamyra Gray, who placed FOURTH in last year's competition! Go wail on something, T! Or...not. Somewhere Over the Rainbow bluebirds are claiming narcolepsy as their excuse for dropping out of the sky. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzCarmen Rasmusen bleating?zzzzzzzzzzzzzzWhen did T join the Lollipop Guild?zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzPlease kill mezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzSeriouslyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
At least there is a nice Simon smile at the end. That's some pot o' gold after a NoDoze nightmare.
Ah, wait, there's a Ford ad! In the new and improved Mustang Sally spot Kim Locke takes off with Ryan Seacrest, and Ruben and Clay ride off into the sunset together. What's the joke about mice exploding?
"Owww. Those things are bad for you." -- Homestar Runner, homestarrunner.com.
Back from the commercial, and did anyone else hear that primal scream? I wonder what the hell that was about. Are we finally going to get some energy out of these folks?
No. Justin Guarini shows up to talk about that shit-ass movie coming out in June, and goes on to sing Unchained Melody. Yeah, Simon, it's a freaking great song all right, but it's already THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS. On Justin after Tamyra it's just another day in hell with an ancient Casio keyboard and a drunk guy in goucho pants.
And it's only nine o'clock.
Another break and we see Kim in Nashville, Ruben in Birmingham and Clay in Raleigh. Okay.
Commercial. Did you all get the Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo song? Now THAT'S a classic! Course, how high do you think THAT songwriter was?
How high do we all wish WE were during the contestants' walk of pain to center stage? A little belief in oneself, some God-thanking and a well-timed ass-picking by Ruben later and we are...
Back at commercial. Jeebus. At this point I'm thinking, what if they had all three judges and the top three finalists on Fear Factor? Can you just see Simon putting up his hands and saying, "Sorry, I lose. Bye." before he'd lift a finger? How hilarious would this be? Clay hanging off a rope he's supposed to climb across, Paula throwing up squid eyeballs, Ruben and Randy just laughing at everyone? Kim would win for sure - she'd beat the Buffies down and take home the money!
She's going to have to, because tonight Ryan sends her home. You know she's been my pick from the start but I can't say I was surprised to see her go tonight. Honestly, all day at work I heard, Kim should win, Kim is the best, but she won't stay after tonight. And they were right.
But she went out with grace and style, singing her heart out all the way. There is a standing ovation for her at the Speaks house, and we'll be first in line for her CD.
Work it out, Simon. Go get her.
Love you all! Have a great evening, and I'll talk to you tomorrow! Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:14 PM [+] ::
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"Paula Sure Can Take a Punch" Tuesday
Hey everyone! Welcome to the Tuesday night recap! I'm still farklempt from all the Simon sightings in the last 24 hours, so forgive me if this doesn't make a lot of sense. And...let's extend that to include everything else I ever write, deal? Perfect. Cue the theme song!
Awww, Mr. Speaks and the Beagles are providing the woo woos tonight in an off-key show of solidarity with the absent Mr. Gracin. Apparently this could be heard clear across the country because Ryan and the contestants appear looking like they're all ready to start smacking each other. Excellent! Enter Simon in white, Randy in red and Smooth Criminal Paula who's a little late for the Ford pimpin' ad. Some new-agers believe time loops back on itself, so stay in the ensemble, Paula. If you wait long enough your outfit might become appropriate for something.
Tonight there are three phases to the competition; first, the contestants choose a song at random from a fishbowl. Next, each contestant will sing a song the judges have chosen for them. Finally, the contestants choose songs for themselves. Here we go!
Random Choice Round
01-1 - Kim Locke, Band of Gold - Kim is bringing it tonight! She's performing the hell out of this song! All of the judges appreciate it, even giggling Simon (who also gets a chance to level Paula with an Al Capone dig, and yell "shut up!" at the audience once again. I love it when he does that!)
02-1 - Ruben Studdard, Signed, Sealed, Delivered - Ruben isn't singing all that well tonight, but he's certainly energetic. Paula gets up to dance and I'm reminded of that woman in church who always sits in the first pew and obscures my view of EVERYTHING with a big feathered hat. At least the church lady's hat fits her.
03-1 - Clay Aiken, Vincent - Oh no. As soon as I heard the song choice I knew this was going to be a bust. You could practically hear some stagehand starting to panic; "It was a joke! I just put that in there as a joke! I never thought someone would actually pick it!" Unfortunately Clay did, and now we'll all have to live with it. I am surprised the judges didn't see past the song selection to Clay's actual performance because he didn't sing badly. Ah, well, a few million bucks will only buy you so much judging skill I guess.
As we go to commercial I can't help but wonder what other songs were in that fishbowl. I mean, if Vincent made it in I have to assume Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda, and On Top of Spaghetti were options, too. Sadly for me I say this out loud and am treated to Mr. Speaks' level 11 rendition of the latter.
For the rest of the break.
Judges' Choice Round
01-2 - Kim Locke, Anyone Who Had a Heart - would not have picked this song. Way to exploit those six notes, though, Kim! A crap song, beautifully sung. I think the judges agree with me, but it's hard to tell with all the Icecapades references in there. Oh, Paula.
02-2 - Ruben Studdard, Smile - I'm actually very disappointed with Ruben's rendition of this song, to tell the truth. I realize his voice is under a lot of stress - his more than the others', it seems - but I hardly recognized Ruben under this song. He still manages to punch through a few times, but I'd much rather hear predictable (consistent!) old Ruben than this. Still very well done, however, and the judges agree.
Another commercial break, and did you all get the CitiBank ad with Grandma and the singing dog? "I want my mama!" sings the pooch. ROFLMAO!
Okay, sorry.
03-2 - Clay Aiken, Mack the Knife - Paula dear, contrary to what you've just told us this is the DEFINITION of a Vegas lounge act. Fortunately, though, it is Clay and we at least get our money's worth, even if he still can't open his left eye.
Contestant's Choice Round
01-3 - Kim Locke, Inseparable - Simply beautiful. Anyone who ever doubted Kim is getting a schooling tonight. She's been my pick since she sang her duet with Frenchie way back in the day, and she's retained that spot throughout. I desperately hope you're all seeing this, too. The judges are, and after Deep Thoughts with Paula Abdul I realize that all those tequila shots the judges did before the show are finally starting to kick in as well. Simon and Paula sure have their giggles back, and it's so cute! Well, since I am not a shipper (and never will be) I didn't really notice Paula, but Simon sure is adorable! Swoon!
02-3 - Ruben Studdard, If Ever You're In My Arms Again - Ruben is back! This is the voice I'll pay to hear, even if it does really sound strained tonight. He even got Paula to say she'd shut up, so I'll have to cast at least one vote tonight for the Velvet Teddybear.
Jumpin' Jeebus! I just quoted Paula! Quick, somebody turn the hose on me!
03-3 - Clay Aiken, Unchained Melody - I really used to like this kid, but this song... I'm having waking nightmares about someone scooping out my beating heart with a spork. He kicked in with some power notes, but I don't think that's going to be enough for me.
I'm sure it will be enough for the person who hauled in the "Clay in mid-orgasm" poster, though, and maybe that's enough.
So three singers, three songs each, and we have a choice to make, America! I know who my votes are going to, and now so do you! What number are YOU dialing tonight?
Have a great night, everyone, and keep those votes coming in! I promise not to get mad at you this week, because as Simon said, all three of them belong in the finale. Of course he also had a perm and a moustache once...
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:58 PM [+] ::
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A Busy Day Indeed!:: Monday, May 12, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! How 'bout that Couric girl, eh? Not bad for a first-timer! Of course, the real attraction was SIMON!!! His segment wasn't all that great; I was hoping Katie of all people would delve a little and get something good out of him, but at the very least we had a pretty picture to watch! :) Plus, anytime we get to see him laugh, really laugh at something (especially a hottie like Robbie Williams giving him a lapdance) it's all I need in the world!
And, um, did he look...um...well, down...there...uh... Yeah. Mmmmhhhhh...
And there's so much more to come! You know, my boss reminded me yesterday about Leno, and my mother called this morning (from 600 miles away!) to remind me to set the VCR for Oprah this afternoon. There's nothing like a great support network, eh?
And now for the bad news: my satellite is out! ARGH! I don't know if it's the stormy weather or what the hell it is, but it better damn well clear up by 4pm! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!! I'm keeping it together, I swear. And by keeping it together, I mean calling on my support network to tape everything for me! I mean, come ON! Oprah, possibly the After Show, AI and Extra? AACCCKKK!! I might have to check into a hotel or camp out in the electronics department at K-Mart or something! Crap!
Congrats to Veil for knowing yesterday's movie line was from Apocalypse Now! I just adore that movie. Hell, I might just watch my tape of that tonight, if my satellite stays out. I might need the gunfighting to keep me from killing the DirecTV guy with my bare hands.
I might need gunfighting and copious amounts of liquor.
How about a silly line today? Today's movie line challenge quote is: "Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded."
Have a great day, everyone, and keep your fingers crossed for me! I'm going to need it! (Hey H, wicked wicked bailbondswoman - STAY CLOSE.) Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:33 AM [+] ::
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Pretty in a Pink Sweater...:: Sunday, May 11, 2003 ::
...because Simon can see me through the television set! Oh, it's going to be a long week for my strawberry lip gloss pot - talk about working overtime! Most of you have already found my calendar in the right toolbar, so if you have anything to add (you know, more Simon mania for our hungry souls) please let me know!
So I rediscovered Kelly's CD this weekend, in between lying around bored and throwing things at my monitor for template errors/lack of fanfic. I don't know why the critics panned it, but who cares. I kinda resent those people, actually; yes, sure, I give you my opinions on things every day, and you are free to agree or disagree at your peril. But I don't get PAID to sit around and do this. I just do it for sport.
Where's my money? LOL
Poor Simon is probably back from Cabo already, or will be soon if he's going to make his playdate with Katie Couric tonight on Leno. Such a rough life and all, you gotta feel sorry for the guy. Hell, he probably didn't even get to work on his tan! It's a travesty!
Me, bitter? I'm not bitter. But his ass had better show up tonight or I'll be on the next flight out, people! I need my Simon!!!
Okay, so I redesigned the blog and suddenly have nothing of interest to say. How does that work out?
Congrats to Denise and HFS for knowing yesterday's movie line challenge came from Sabrina! Credit goes to both lovely ladies because HFS emailed me when the shout outs wouldn't work for her, but Denise was the first to shout out to the crew. Love you girls!
The movie challenge line of the day is from one of my favorite movies. If you've seen it, you'll know it right off. It pretty much covers how I felt when I entered my office this morning: "Saigon. Shit."
Have a great day everyone, and I'll check in soon! Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:32 AM [+] ::
...
I Hate This
The trouble is, whenever the urge to write a new fanfic hits me I open up a new Word document and POOF! Gone!
I think the white page intimidates me.
Dammit.
Anyone want a fic idea? I got a million of 'em! LOL
:: happy hour begins at 8:30 PM [+] ::
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And Desperation Sets In
Hello again! Now that I'm feeling much better (coffee and food will do that for a girl) I have recalled a suggestion Chef Clary made sometime in the dark internet night. Why not try and get Pop Idol and UK's Cupid here in the US?
Well, why not?
CC mentioned BBC America as a good place to start, since they run programs from multiple stations in the UK. You may know BBC America already runs Changing Rooms and What Not to Wear, two shows with American counterparts. They probably are our best bet. Click here for their suggestions form.
I think FX might be a good try for Pop Idol as well; since they are linked with Fox but not a major network on their own they should love the draw of an American Idol b-season. At this point, anything is worth a try! LOL FX's email address is user@fxnetworks.com.
C'mon kids! I realize it took us far too long to get rid of Josh Gracin, but we can certainly redeem ourselves by keeping Simon on our television sets! I for one don't want to have to face seven long months without him - and that's if we're lucky and he comes back! So go! Do it!
Hugs!
J
PS - I'm impatient today, so the clue for today's movie line challenge is: this movie is a remake, and the original starred Audrey Hepburn in the title role.
:: happy hour begins at 4:08 PM [+] ::
...
Happy Mother's Day!
And happy Sunday, everyone! Just one day until Simon Cowell frenzy begins in earnest with his return to Leno tomorrow night! I know he has lots of appearances planned for the week, but I can't for the life of me remember what they all are. I've started a Calendar on my toolbar so we have a reference. Could you girls please shout out his appearances for me? THANK YOU!!!
Can I just say, OW? My head is killing me, people. Chef Clary had to work this morning; I can't imagine how she's feeling right now. Yikes. You have my sympathies, CC.
I was going to skip the movie quote of the day challenge today because, OW, but I caught part of a flick this morning with a line we could all identify with. It is: "We were up to our elbows in your underwear drawer. It was like touching the Shroud of Turin."
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 1:52 PM [+] ::
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DON'T ANYBODY PANIC!:: Saturday, May 10, 2003 ::
I see Chef Clary has already caught my little surprise - sorry honey! I just thought it was time the world here got some new party clothes! Live with it a few days, then let me know what you think! Yes, I did save the old template so if you think you'll be scarred for life by the change it can go back, but drunk Juliet is loving it so far!
Oh yeah, drunk, so let me know, too, if there's something I used to have that I don't have anymore. I'd greatly appreciate it. LOL
THANK YOU!!! to HFS for the beautiful graphic and all your support! I couldn't have done it without you, darling!
Speaking of HFS, she has done the MOTHER of all recaps for you from Simon's Thursday night stint on Ryan's radio show. Go check it out!
AND, congrats to Brittany for knowing Saturday's movie quote was from Sleepless in Seattle. You rock!
Have a great night everyone! Don't forget to shout out what you think of the new digs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:25 AM [+] ::
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Is there an emergency shutoff valve on this thing?:: Friday, May 09, 2003 ::
"Yeah." (pause) "What?"
That would be my response to every statement addressed to me so far today. At a glance the casual observer might think I'm having a rare day of introspection. The truth is I've spent this morning picking up tangents and following the threads of logic out so far I'm not sure where the idea for the tangent even originated. Then I find another tangent, pick up THAT thread and follow it out, too.
In the middle of the paragraph above I started an internal monologue on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
I like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. On white bread, with the crusts cut off, or better if it's toasted white bread, cut in half on the diagonal. And always put the jelly on the bread first because then you can use the clean slice of bread to wipe the knife on before you put it in the peanut butter jar. That probably isn't all that sanitary. I mean, they say to refrigerate jelly but peanut butter can stay out, but what about when there's jelly in the peanut butter? Does that ruin the peanut butter, because if you refrigerate it, it gets too hard to spread on the bread, or better yet the toast. Oh, then there are crumbs from the toast on the knife, too, which get in the jelly or the peanut butter. It probably doesn't matter if you put on the peanut butter or the jelly first if you're putting it on toast because you can't use the clean piece of toast to wipe off the knife. Do better housekeepers use two spoons and a knife to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? What does Martha Stewart do? She probably wouldn't eat peanut butter and jelly unless it had some obscure spice in it or if she could toast it. They made a movie about her and Cybill Sheperd is in it. I bet I misspelled that. Moonlighting was such a great show. I bet that guy ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. What was his name...
I actually turned off the radio while I was thinking about that because the music was distracting me from being able to think.
And you wondered why I wasn't writing fanfic lately.
Congrats to Liaraven on guessing yesterday's movie quote as being from Being John Malkovich! See, I put in Josh and had to change it to John (and I just did it again) because of all this West Wing fanfic. That's such a fantastic show, though how Bradley Whitford is sooo hot on the show and so NOT in still pics is beyond me. He's married to Jane whatever, you know, and they just had baby #3...
Ah crap. Anyway, today's movie line challenge is something I've used a lot here, but I don't know if I ever said what it was from: "She's a ho! My dad's been captured by a ho!"
Have a great day, kids!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 1:04 PM [+] ::
...
Have you ever been so bored that you...
...slid down in your chair, dropped your head back and just let your mouth hang open for a while?
That would be me.
:: happy hour begins at 7:58 PM [+] ::
...
You need a clue, huh?
The movie quote: "Here's the thing: if you ever get me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me."
The clue: What's the title of the documentary currently being filmed about Simon Cowell?
:: happy hour begins at 7:09 PM [+] ::
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TGIFF:: Thursday, May 08, 2003 ::
Yeah, I added a letter in the title. You can guess what it means. (Hint: Simon is going to Cabo today, and my teammates are filtering back into the office with their Hawaiian tans. And my mood would be...?)
Morning, everyone! So how many of you had Simon dreams last night, hmmm? I just couldn't get his laugh out of my head! Very nice...
Cutting to the chase because my coffee isn't ready yet, the quote of the day - "Here's the thing: if you ever get me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me."
Fitting, don't you think? Have a great day, everyone!
Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:27 AM [+] ::
...
Life Interrupted
Hey kids! As most of you know, Simon finally put in another appearance on Star 98.7 and Ryan Seacrest's radio show; what we didn't have was a time. Simon needs a bell around his neck because I for one just can't keep track of him anymore.
I was just about at the end of my tape of last night's West Wing ep (I had to record it in order to get the results recap out) when the cat started puking, and not just hairball-type vomiting - more like day after tequila stuff. So I was elbow-deep in wet paper towels when my cell rang. I refrained from cursing out loud since the windows are open, but I let the damned thing ring. Then the house phone kicked up and I thought, crap! There's an emergency! I tossed the paper towels toward (but not into) a trash bag and picked it up to hear HFS telling me Simon was already on the air!
Shit!
I'm sure they heard that one all over the neighborhood, and I KNOW they heard me laughing for the next hour and twenty minutes. What was so funny? Two things: Tom and Jerry, and the gaggle of shameless women calling in their worship. Sing it, sisters!
Actually they annoyed the fuck out of me, but we'll come back to that.
So Simon and Ryan have this love/hate brotherly thing going on and it's far more entertaining than American Idol. From gay jokes to Terri jokes to blackmail, we got it all! Poor Foxy was a sad referee for this sandbox sparring match; I'd have been slapping the backs of their heads all night. In addition, for the casual listener, Simon Dolls should start offering a Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring in exchange for Ovaltine proofs of purchase because otherwise you'll never get through Simon's sense of humor.
Anyway, besides Simon saying "bullshit" on the air we did learn a few things. Apparently Simon is going to Cabo San Lucas tomorrow. (Yay for him; I'll be sitting under a mound of paperwork wondering if anyone would notice if I just shredded it all and went to lunch.) Ryan was offered the Cupid host spot but turned it down, and Simon has another offer that conflicts with American Idol 3. He isn't sure which one he'll take yet (but I don't really care as long as he's on US television). AND: Ryan has some dirt on Simon, something to do with a job (in the music industry) Simon held in his younger days. According to Ryan Simon would lose credibility and risk his career if the secret came to light, but Simon is thinking about letting it out himself. I hope he does.
Expose yourself, Simon!
And then things get ridiculous. My actual notes:
Two ghastly performances, Josh Jive Talking, Clay Grease. Simon is curious, what would callers have said about those two?
Wendy – Simon is her idol. Blah blah blah.
Judy – she’s so excited to talk to him. More blah blah blah.
Carrie – totally agrees with Simon, doesn’t like Paula. Simon said Paula has grown on him this year because she’s nuts.
Another caller, Simon rules, blah blah blah. Hates Josh, rags on the dog tags, etc. They’re with each other 100%
Julie – loves the show, Simon is very real, Randy with the dawg thing, Paula can’t say anything, doesn’t give any criticism even though sometimes it’s needed. Ragged on Ryan’s wardrobe, trying to dress too young (he’s 28). Would let her daughter date Simon over Ryan.
Kristin – doesn’t watch reality shows but thinks Simon is one of the sexiest men on television so she watches the show. (Oh my God this is ridiculous!) What’s the rudest thought she’s ever had? asked Simon. She can’t say it on the air. They gave her Wango Tango tickets.
See, now, that was just pissing me off. I actually sent an email to the radio station about it: Could these callers possibly fawn any more over Simon? I love Simon - I'm probably his most visible internet fan - but good Christ these women are embarrassing.
Juliet's Ten Commandments of Simon-Fan Interaction
1. Thou shalt remember thy IQ and its purpose.
2. Thou shalt not salivate excessively during the conversation.
3. Thou shalt not giggle.
4. Thou shalt not remove clothing during the call.
5. Thou shalt not forget thy reason for calling as soon as the call is connected.
6. Thou shalt not cite "to tell Simon I love him" as thy reason for calling.
7. Thou shalt not utter the words "Oh my God" or "I can't believe I'm talking to Simon" at any point.
8. Thou shalt remember to represent the Sisterhood with grace and wit.
9. Thou shalt disconnect the call if the above commandments are violated at any time.
10. Thou shalt give Simon my phone number.
Print that out and use it, girls. We don't want a repeat of this evening's debacle, now do we? I know Ryan doesn't, but I'm not trying to help Ryan in any way. RYAN BROUGHT UP COPACABANA - THEN PLAYED IT.
Need I say more?
So I finally got to watch the end of West Wing (OMG!!!) and finish dealing with the cat vomit situation, all with Copacabana slowly killing me from the inside out. I'm going to go beat my head against something for a while, and you all have a great night, too! Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:19 PM [+] ::
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It Wasn't a Dream!:: Wednesday, May 07, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I was afraid when I woke up this morning it would all have been a fantastic dream, and I'd emerged from my slumber to find Nikki right back in the top three. But no! The final three is CLEAN, which means Simon really did have his wicked way with me last night! Let me tell you girls, he is...
Wait. Damn. Well, at least Josh is gone. I know a lot of people were emotional at his departure because of the cute kid, but not me! The way I see it, now he can sing to her every night instead of singing to Clay over the garage AND we don't have to hear him anymore! (As far as that goes; Sally still seems to be hanging around WELL PAST HER EXPIRATION DATE. Which incidentally was in January...)
Hey, has there been any confirmation that Simon will be on Ryan's show tonight? I've been missing Simon lately - the real guy. Well, however much real guy we ever get, but it's better than watching him fidget at the judges' table.
Anyway, how about an easy movie line today in celebration of Josh's departure? Also, a new rule: if you had to use a search engine to find the line you are DISQUALIFIED! Use your memory only, please! (But it's okay to ask your friends ;)) Today's line is: "Any Cosmo girl would have known."
Have a great day everyone! I'll check in soon!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:30 AM [+] ::
...
There Is a God...
...and he's smiling down on us tonight! Yes, my friends, Nikki McKibbin failed to make the top three!
And they say alternate universes don't exist...
The cast of characters for tonight's results show includes Ryan in an awful, awful shirt (do you remember those Frankie Goes to Hollywood t-shirts from back in the day?), Simon in his requisite black, Paula in a Laura Ingalls shirt (which would look FAR better on ME) and Randy, who got the memo from last night late but joined up with the black clothes anyway. Oh, and Clay who looks like he's going to vomit at any moment.
It's high time we added me to the cast list here; do you know that I supply the "woo woo"s in the theme song now that they are sadly absent? Can you hear me, like some specter rising from a distant land? No? Nevermind.
But they CAN hear this Bee Gees medley all the way in hell, I'll bet! Maybe it just seems like hell, I don't know, but it's always a riot watching Simon during these things. Talking to his friends behind him, taking a load off, just...looking around. At least Paula and Randy get into the spirit with a little dancing! Or maybe they're having seizures about Kim's white boots - Randy because he knows it looks stupid and Paula because she wants them for herself. At least the --
SALLY!!! MY EYES! MY EYES! NOOOOOOO!!! With all the tornadoes in the country this week, why couldn't one have trapped Sally under a split level and saved my sanity from this wretched moment? Oh, I see - so I could watch Nigel have some sort of conniption in his seat. I've never actually witnessed that; I almost thought it was an urban legend. Huh.
In any case, after a commercial break we learn that my darling Kim is in the bottom two this week, which is no surprise. Clay is safe, and during Ruben's recap from last night I remember something I wanted to say last night and forgot (what with all the Solid Gold dancer disappointment and everything).
Simon: "If you weren't in this competition it wouldn't be the same." Now doesn't that sound just like something Paula would have said?
Enough with the flashback, bring on the Ford ad! Bad song, sung as horribly as the original and we discover where Clay the Pimp got his idea for the Grease shoes.
Cut to commercial, and I remember something else I wanted to say yesterday (besides that I forgot to mention those bitchin' headbands from SG!): Buttman in the VTSF ad? I get it, cigarette butts and all, but don't they think the man who brought us such classics as Buttman in Budapest has enough money for a lawyer?
Back to the show and Josh hits the bottom two. Shock.
Ad break #3.
Josh, you're gone. Way to cut to the chase there, Ryan! Cue the "dead guy montage", haul out the cute kid and let's get us a song.
Nikki's last dance.
Have a great night, everyone! I know I will!
Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:37 PM [+] ::
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In the Aftermath:: Tuesday, May 06, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! What a great day - American Idol AND West Wing tonight! Does it get any better than this? Well, it could I suppose, if my hair didn't look like I'd been dragged through a mud puddle. This Paul Mitchell crap is going back...
Petmom, I'm glad you noticed that last night's episode wasn't much to look at, too. I thought I was just losing my sense of humor, but that recap really was a nightmare to write. I hope my fellow recappers had an easier time of it than I did!
Are you up for another movie challenge? This one is a cult classic in my house, which means it's totally obscure for anyone but us but definitely something you need to see. I've mentioned the movie on the blog before...
"Mom still cries when she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top."
Good luck! Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:20 AM [+] ::
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The Return of Saturday Night Fievel
Hello everyone, and welcome to the Tuesday night recap! It's a Bee Gees world out there, children, and you know what that means: SOLID GOLD DANCERS! Yes! I have waited all season for this night, and --
Wait. Why is everyone in black? What's with the monochromatic gloom and doom over here? Is this some kind of Simon impersonation thing, 'cause I'm not sure Fox is really looking for an interpretive dance on the "drag queen" comments from last week. Apparently Randy didn't get the memo, though, since he's the only one wearing an actual color. Even Robin Gibb, tonight's smile and wave doll, is clad in black. That right there takes some serious planning.
SIMON! TURN AROUND AND FACE THE STAGE, AND GET YOUR HANDS OFF PAULA'S HAIR! Jesus, son, the kids are getting ready to sing. That's right, yawn and stretch, drape that arm over the back of Paula's chair but keep your hands where I can see them...
01 - Nikki McKibbin - Jive Talking - Josh, that really wasn't very nice. The Gibbs have already had a rough year, and you singing one of their songs... Well, it's just in poor taste.
SIMON! QUIT TOUCHING PAULA AND SIT STILL!
02 - Clay Aiken - To Love Somebody - You know I love Clay, I do, but what's with the half-closed left eye all the time? Beautiful voice, perfect song, what can I say except WHERE ARE THE DANCERS? WHERE ARE THE SEQUINED LEG WARMERS?
I would have thought at least Clay would bring something...
03 - Kim Locke - I Just Want To Be Your Everything - Kim's voice is so wonderful, even if she goes a little sharp from time to time. Unfortunately Kim has drawn the horrifying background singers this week. While Kim was sitting back into the song the really, really loud women behind her were trying to kill me. Save me, Simon! Oh, swallow your mouthful of water first - we wouldn't want you to have to make THAT face again (though it was kinda cute!).
04 - Ruben Studdard - Nights on Broadway - So Ruben is bang on again tonight. He doesn't sing as well as Kim, but his stage presence declares him the winner whether or not he even stays in the competition.
But Fox is going to piss me off if they don't stop shoving him down my throat. This isn't a G-rated blog, but I'll stop that sentence there because you don't need me to finish it. Okay.
I'm sad about the lack of dancers, though.
ROUND TWO!
012 - Josh Gracin - To Love Somebody - How is it that I didn't mind this song when Clay sang it, but I hate it with Josh? I must admit, this performance is better than anything else he's done in the last month, but he's still outclassed here. Not to mention any number of country music jokes I could list.
Did Ryan just suggest some AT&T picture phone porn...with JOSH? Oh no, I'm still getting mail from the Clay/Ryan/Simon thing. I DO NOT NEED THIS!
022 - Clay Aiken - Grease - I said SOLID GOLD, not THRILLER! What's with the red jacket and those shoes! Did someone say Grand Prize Game? I gotta say though, this is more fun than I've had all night. I hate this song, I hate the clothes and I wish Clay would keep his damned eye open, but it's FUN!
Simon disagrees. He's just unAmerican.
Oh. LOL
032 - Kim Locke - Emotions - Gather up the Pips and send them home! Seriously, where do they get these background vocalists? They should be sued! However, Kim's voice is beautiful and she shines right through them. Of all the remaining contestants, Kim's is the CD I would purchase first. I don't care if Simon thinks her first song was "sweet and ordinary". Sometimes that's what a girl needs in her life.
That, and Solid Gold dancers.
042 - Ruben Studdard - How Can You Mend a Broken Heart - It's the Ally McBeal soundtrack again, but I don't mind! Here's what I do mind: Simon - tonight you say Ruben is consistent, on other nights he's predictable. Pick a side, Darling. You know what happens if you straddle a barbed wire fence.
Fence Speaks, at your service.
So no dancers, no sequined leg warmers and no sparkly leotards, but a few hip twitches from Clay and a mouthed "Oh, shit!" from Ryan after Josh carries him around awhile, almost make up for it! My childhood dreams may have been dashed yet again, but the American Idol gods giveth and they taketh away.
Now it's time for America to take JOSH away! Give me something to cling to here, people! I'm a woman on the edge!
Have a great night everyone! And congrats to Chef on guessing the movie of the day as Monsters, Inc. Hugs!
Juliet
PS - All you recappers out there - is this getting harder or what? Damn!
:: happy hour begins at 9:45 PM [+] ::
...
Kitty!
Still not there, huh? Then I'll tell you that John Goodman is in the movie and was in the scene with this line, though he did not speak it...
:: happy hour begins at 6:46 PM [+] ::
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TUESDAY!!!:: Sunday, May 04, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! Thank God it's Tuesday - I almost didn't make it through yesterday! I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to blog, but I'm sure you all know how that is. Some days it's a challenge just to eat what's left of the Snickers bar sitting on your desk. At one point I couldn't even FIND the Snickers. I hate to think what important document ended up with a Snickers assprint on the back...
It's finally show day! I must confess, I missed Extra last night so I'm hopelessly frustrated this morning. I forgot to set the VCR. Sigh. (Okay, I forgot to ask Mr. Speaks to set the VCR, but you knew that, right?) Maybe I'll pop over to Extra's website and see what I can see. Hopefully not the beneath-my-notice imaginary Extra correspondent. (She really is, you know; nine times out of ten I won't even realize she's on my screen. I have to be told. LOL)
HFS has given us a challenge! Her question is, what was your worst job and why, and what was your best job and why? I have had more jobs than I care to count; I used to coach dance teams and color guards and in those years I temped during the day, just to have a little extra money coming in. Those years were interesting to say the least...
First job, Hardee's cashier, summer before my senior year in high school. My manager looked a lot like Herb Tarlick and kept trying to kiss me in the basement. Lovely.
During summers in college I was a telemarketer for a fax machine salesman (plain paper faxes had JUST come out! LOL), the information lady at a local mall, an admin for a PR firm, and finally began coaching before my senior year.
After I graduated I did a lot of cool things while I was temping: I worked for the state highway administration and revamped the state's Adopt-A-Highway program, was a billing assistant for the operating room of a local hospital (and yikes is all I'll say about THAT), I even potted flowers at a greenhouse for a couple of weeks! My worst temp job was probably when I worked for a company in the midst of a hostile takeover. I worked for the taking-over team and was one of two people in the building with any sort of security clearance (password access, etc.). People tried very hard not to hate me as their coworkers were steadily laid off, but it was difficult for them. Just stressful all the way around.
I stopped temping when Kelly hired me as a branch supervisor, which would have been fine except I shared the office with an evil whore. She and I have the same first name, so she would call up cranky clients, lose her temper, then say I was the one who ran off at the mouth toward a client. I only lasted about 3 months there before turning in my notice. There isn't enough money in the world for that kind of crap. I'd say that was probably my worst job ever.
After that I became an admissions counselor for a culinary school, which was fun but lonely work. It involved a TON of public speaking and even MORE time in my car. Like I said, it was fun but it didn't have to do more than pay the bills.
Finally I decided to give up coaching and didn't need a flexible schedule anymore. Soooo, I took the job I'm in now! I am a project coordinator for a trade show management company, and I love it. It's definitely been my best job ever and I'm not looking to leave anytime soon. I guess you never know what life will throw your way, but there isn't anything on the horizon YET that could lure me away!
So there's my resume, pretty much. I had a great time while I was temping, almost never a bad assignment in the bunch, so I feel very fortunate to have had those experiences. And like you said, HFS, it's nice to know that if I got laid off tomorrow I'd have a place to go.
So I have a challenge of my own! My husband and I play the "movie game" at home a lot; one of us spouts off a movie line and the other has to guess the movie. Anyone up to the challenge? Shout out your guesses! If nobody has it by tonight I'll give you a clue, and I'll tell you the answer tomorrow morning. Let's see how it goes, shall we?
Today's movie line is: "Kitty!"
HAHAHA, I'm such a bad person. Speaking of bad, I'm so sad Jasmine's blog is dead! I've removed your link, honey. Oh, and Chef Clary! I shouted out on your blog a long time ago asking if you wanted a link, and when I didn't get a response I thought maybe you didn't want one. But it's here now, baby!
Hugs to all, and I'll talk to you later! Have a great day!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:46 AM [+] ::
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Country Crap Day:: Saturday, May 03, 2003 ::
Hey everyone! Happy Sunday! I got a full 12 hours of sleep last night, my tummy is full and there's coffee on board - sounds like another perfect day! Well, with one glaring exception.
The TRIO network is running a Nashville Star marathon.
Now you all know I don't watch a lot of television and I HATE country music, so the chances of me ever running across this particular atrocity were slim at best. Yet there I was, scanning my 1200 channels for anything of interest, and THAT SHOW caught my attention. Click.
Mr. Speaks: NO!
Juliet: I just wanted to see it.
Mr. Speaks: No.
Juliet: I heard it was a total AI ripoff! I wanna see!
Mr. Speaks: Get back on the computer and leave the remote.
Juliet: Does it bother you that I spend so much time on the computer?
Mr. Speaks: Are you kidding? I haven't had this much TV control since before we got married. GO!
Juliet: Wait! I wanna see this!
Mr. Speaks: But we hate country music!
Juliet: I know, but I still wanna see.
Mr. Speaks: SPEAK!
Baxter the Beagle: WOOOOOOOOOO
Mr. Speaks: There, country music. Give me the remote!
Juliet: No.
Mr. Speaks: (unintelligible muttering)
As it turns out Mr. Speaks got his wish. It only took me a couple of minutes to decide Nashville Star is basically the SNL version of American Idol. There's a blonde guy who looks constipated and says things like, "Good, but you need to do something different. At this point your performances are getting predictable." There's a gay guy who actually said something to the effect of, "I hate to be the Miss Pollyanna of the panel, but that is the greatest trucking song ever written and you just kicked the stuffin' out of it!" And then there's a woman on the end who agreed with them both.
So in the end I'm back here on the computer, and Mr. Speaks is watching Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. Have a great day, everyone, and avoid TRIO like the plague! There's danger down that road...
Be excellent to each other, and party on!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:02 PM [+] ::
...
It must be quiz weekend or something...
So how messed up am I? The results of my Personality Disorder Test...
Disorder Rating Paranoid: Low Schizoid: Low Schizotypal: Low Antisocial: Low Borderline: Low Histrionic: Low Narcissistic: Low Avoidant: Low Dependent: Low Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
Right, so I looked up Obsessive-Compulsive and came up with:
Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.
Well, since I'm only moderately nuts in the way described above I feel safe in saying, I prefer to call myself someone who gets the job done right and expects the same of others. I think every person with my job title must be moderately nuts, too, or we wouldn't have survived as a company. Note this really only extends to work; my standards are pretty relaxed at home. Well, except for my need to check the stove before I go to bed every night.
That's just safety. :)
How messed up are YOU?
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 4:10 PM [+] ::
...
"I need a plan." I can't believe I said that once.
Spent the morning at the salon for a hair trim, eyebrow waxing and manicure. Yum! Although, Phrygiana, do you have any idea as to why my hair looks BLONDE now? Charles didn't alter the color at all and really took very little off the ends, but even my husband noticed I was looking a little more porn-starry when I got home...
Have had two cups of coffee and a small handful of chocolate covered cashews, and it's 2pm.
Listening to Blondie's best of CD and half-heartedly trying to drag up some of that French I took in college to translate "Sunday Girl".
Gazing at my secret stash of Simon pics.
Reading WW Josh/Donna fanfic.
Blowing off everything else.
It's the perfect day!
J
:: happy hour begins at 2:15 PM [+] ::
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A Friend in Need:: Friday, May 02, 2003 ::
Hey girls! One of the blogs I read religiously, The Safeword, is in danger! The author, Kerry, is facing the loss of her computer. Not only does she use it to blog, but it's also her main source of income when she's in school. To offset the cost of a new computer she has launched a moneymaking effort: The "Damn! Kerry Needs a New Computer, BAD!" Fundraiser. She is selling handmade beaded necklaces for $20 each and taking orders until May 15. You can specify colors and the charm, or you can leave it up to her. I've already placed my order, but I thought I would bring the idea to you, my lovely readers, in case you'd like to help out.
Now I don't know Kerry personally so I can't vouch for her, but after reading her blog for some time I've decided she's both a worthy cause and a good risk for my money. Caveat emptor and all that crap.
I'm adding a link to her fundraiser on my toolbar and might remind you from time to time. No pressure! LOL Oh, and Simon? In return for your unauthorized use of my drag queen comments you could think about buying out Kerry's supply. Just sayin'.
Have a great day everyone! Pray Sally doesn't do the Playboy spread!
J
:: happy hour begins at 11:05 AM [+] ::
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Reveal your whiter smile in 14 days:: Thursday, May 01, 2003 ::
"I'm doing it right now!" says the bubblehead as she skips to her Jeep, telling us not only are Crest Whitestrips effective, but they are comfortable and easy to do! You're vain? Come on in! I've got just the thing for you...
"I'm doing it right now," mutters the cynical redhead as she types these words to you, recalling with resignation her dentist's laughter when she brought up the whole tooth whitening topic.
"But your teeth are white! We don't want to start any projects here." said the good doctor, his face turning purple from the strain of holding in his hysteria.
"I know, but they aren't as white as they used to be. Can you suggest something?" asked the redhead, full of hope that this most knowledgeable of men might grace her with some cosmetic wisdom. He sighed, and she smiled.
"Well, you could try those Crest Whitestrips. They aren't bad, and at most you'd only need a shade or two anyway." The now-merely crimson dentist disappeared, leaving his patient giddy with anticipation and fired up for her trip to the drugstore. She had found the light!
Now that I'm in the light, I've found a few other items that might be useful to you if you should ever decide to torture yourself in the pursuit of a slightly whiter smile. Following the instructions...
Yes, READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.
Step 1. For best experience, do not brush immediately before applying strips. Check.
Step 2. Using a mirror, place gel side of each strip on front teeth. Align with gumline and press gently for good contact. You may briefly taste the gel as the strips conform to your teeth. Well, that sounds pretty easy! Hmm hm hmm...
Yeah. Okay, there is a reason they don't give you much in the way of instructions on opening the freaking packages: there is NO WAY to make it a positive experience. You get an individually-wrapped strip for the top, and one for the bottom. Juliet's tip: open both packages and extract strips BEFORE attempting application; otherwise your fingers will be too goop-covered to open the second package.
Oh yeah, there's goop. But we're getting there.
Now, with both strips out, take the upper strip and peel it away from its clear plastic backing. CLEAR. Meaning you kinda have to feel your way around because the strip is ALSO CLEAR. The strip is, in case you are synaptically challenged, a long, thin rectangle of goopy clear something that might pass for miniature Barbie bubble wrap. Starting in the center of one short side, gently peel it away from the backing. There should be a thin border of goopy wrap that stays on the backing; you don't want to mess with that bit. LEAVE IT ON THE BACKING. Try very hard to keep the strip from touching you anyplace but your fingertip, but resign yourself to failure. This crap is going to be all over you before it's over.
Now, grasping the strip on each short side, place it over the front side of your top teeth. Gently press it into any crevices between your teeth and try not to hurl when the peroxidey slime that's already all over your fingers, now slips out from under the strip and into your mouth. The urge to vomit may be overwhelming, but remember: you paid almost thirty bucks for this harebrained scheme - YOU OWN THE STRIP! IT DOES NOT OWN YOU!
Right. I'm hoping you also own a towel or something because you now need it to attempt to remove said goop from your lips, chin, cheeks, fingers and anyplace else it has managed to find itself. There are a lot of places to consider - don't forget your vanity top or mirror. Both are likely targets.
REPEAT with lower strip! Think you're home free? Yeah, well, there's a trick to this one: the bottom strip isn't so much a strip as it is a Colorform alien spacecraft. Remember, CLEAR strip + CLEAR backing? Good luck. You're going to need the towel again.
Step 3. Fold the rest of each strip behind teeth to keep in place. This sounds pretty straightforward, except the slimy suckers are going to slip around on you. Towel.
Step 4. Wear strips 30 minutes, remove and discard. All right! Now that you've failed at removing all the goop from your lips and there's Saran Wrap on your teeth, it's time to try that "I'm wearing them right now!" line. Notice there are no "S" sounds in that sentence. That's because the bubblehead in the commercial would have come off more like Sylvester the Cat than some Crest Whitestrip goddess. MY husband is tormenting me past PMS-level hostility by begging me (through his giggles) for a "Say, sexy!" Tip: hide this activity from EVERYONE YOU KNOW.
Eventually you will realize that your lips are drying out, but if you run your tongue over them they will instantly be slathered with a fresh coat of goop. In addition, any movement of your tongue will cause a strip to dislodge and you will be forced to retreat to the mirror, only to see that you CANNOT see the damned strip well enough to do anything about its migration. Attempting to rectify the situation will only cause more trouble; think warm Saran Wrap clinging to itself.
Spend thirty minutes fighting your gag reflex and any urge to speak.
GET THESE THINGS OFF ME! Yes, it's that time! Peel away the strips to reveal your whiter smile (after toweling off all the goop on your teeth and by association on your fingers, chin, cheek, vanity and mirror)! No, not whiter yet; it takes fourteen days of this torture (twice a day, I might add) before you're finished. I'm thinking Crest is hoping by two weeks from now I'll have forgotten what my teeth look like because, obviously, I'll have no way to compare the shades.
This is, of course, assuming I last the full two weeks. I've never been known for sticking to any kind of regimen, and this certainly counts as that. I won't exercise or cook for sixty minutes a day, but I'm going to do this? This with the crazy goopy strippy things? Um, I'll keep you posted. Now I'm off to find something white to drink because coffee and soda are yellowing my teeth and I don't want to undo all the good I just did!
Yeah.
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:23 PM [+] ::
...
For JackieLynn, because she asked me once...
I Am The 3rd Party: The Natural Law Party: You're a strange one, thats for sure. Calling yourself the party based on science, your most interesting claim to fame is a heavy reliance on yoga in your national policy. Ignoring your kooky side, you sometimes make a lot of sense. And your leader is probably the smartest cadidate out there. Too bad he's crazy.
Find out what 3rd party you are!
You know what's really funny about this? I seriously like Hagelin. I even get his newsletter.
HA!
:: happy hour begins at 10:39 PM [+] ::
...
Just too good not to blog it...
Would I Survive A Pit Match Against Clinton And Bush
. 0% chance Bush would kill you.
. 0% chance Clinton would kill you.
. 0% chance he would sexually harass you.
. 100% chance you would kill them. Enter Combat
:: happy hour begins at 10:34 PM [+] ::
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Another Morning Entry?
Whoa! I don't know what's gotten into me lately! I do know that my to-do list here at work is looking pretty nice for today. Sweet! (Of course, I took the eight items under one project and collapsed them to one line: AFL031 test all 42 pages of programming. Do you think that's cheating?)
So Simon seems to be lining up work left, right and center. We know he's trekked to Vancouver for his cameo in a movie I won't mention here because it galls me enough that I'll have to go see it. Hell, I'll probably own it when all is said and done. Dammit, Simon! Find yourself a nice romantic comedy already!
I'll forgive him, though, if his rumored spot on The Simpsons turns into reality. Our very own Headmaster Cowell may be appearing as a nursery school admissions officer; can you just see it? Classic! I llllove it!
Simon will not, however, be heard on Ryan's radio show tonight. Apparently Ryan has said he'll start back up next week and continue through the finale. Sigh. I want my Simon!
I want my Simon in bed RIGHT NOW! Well, he is, but WITH ME! And later, after I've had my wicked way with him, he can accompany me to work and take over when somebody needs smacked down. I'll just hand over the phone and let him go! (I'm probably better at it than he is, but it's the "my man protecting me" factor I'm going for here. Swoon!)
All right, daydream over. I guess I'll go do the smacking down myself. One last thing before I go, and you can laugh all you want, but I like his new haircut! I think I'm the only one, but that just increases of my chances of being "chosen".
So there.
Have a great day, everyone! Hugs!
Juliet
PS - My one word for Simon YESTERDAY would be "contrary". He's expected to dance with Paula and chooses Randy, Paula wants him to dance but he won't (though if she told him not to dance I bet he would). It's too cute!
:: happy hour begins at 8:34 AM [+] ::
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