:: Monday, March 31, 2003 ::
Who Does This Anymore?
I am, as I type this to you, on the phone with a pervert.
While I was planning a blog to you about my fabulously interesting trip to the dentist today, my phone started ringing. Unknown name, unknown number, piss off, talk to the machine. Well, he didn't. No, he hung up and called again. This went on for some time, until I was too irritated to think, much less bang out something about the importance of flossing, cleverly interwoven with some sideways observations about Simon's dental work.
Fine, have it your way, telemarketing freak! I'll pick up, and then I'll tell you all about how I found the Lord!
Ohhh, it's a breather! HA! Fine, thanks. Hang up.
But he calls back. And calls. And calls. Now I'm not one to get upset about the odd crank call; who didn't do that as a kid? (I distinctly remember one night when I was about 13, sitting under Shelly S's dining room table dialing random numbers and acting like we knew the person who picked up; a night which ended with a large bowl of green frosting being stuffed under Shelly's bed - don't ask me why.) That being said, we never called the same person a bazillion times to breathe heavily into the phone.
Fine. I'll pick up; not only that, but I'll put you on speaker phone and listen for a while. I will pepper our "conversation" with uh-huhs and oh my!s and we'll call it a night. Little did I know.
After a period of breathing, he starts to get creative. He launches into the details of what he would do to me - and some of it's pretty good, actually. Unbeknownst to him I have some experience with smut. I'm also starting to get some fanfic ideas...
Then, ta da! The WOOING starts! Now he actually wants to talk to me! I've gone from face-down in the sofa with sweat pouring off my body, to gathering handpicked flowers on a walk through the park.
This boy is seriously disturbed.
I would be concerned for my safety, I suppose, were it not for the security system/dogs/gun combination which serves as my fortress here.
It's been 35 minutes so far and he hasn't gotten to the blubbering confession of the tragedies of his life yet, but I sense the time is near. I should probably wrap this up so I can give him my full attention or something.
I've been meaning to clean out my purse. Maybe I'll do that.
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 7:48 PM [+] ::
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Peer Pressure:: Sunday, March 30, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I just have a minute this morning but wanted to call your attention to two important developments.
First, you'll notice there is a new link on my toolbar! The beautiful and talented Jasmine has initiated her very own blog called I Can't Complain - check it out! (There are a few more of you I'll be gunning for soon, so be forewarned...)
Second, yesterday's non-matching exploits, as difficult as they were for me, did not count because I did not once step outside the house. Today, while I could not bring myself to be completely out of whack, I did manage to coordinate rather than match. Hey! It's a big step! What's with the mocking?
And on that note, I'd like to wish my father safe passage to France today - be careful, have fun, and kick some Freedom ass for us!
Hugs and kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:36 AM [+] ::
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A Master Plan for Weight Loss
Dear God, you have to check this out. A woman found some Weight Watchers meal cards from the 1970's in someone's basement and... God, just go look! Take the tour... LMAO!!!!
Weight Watchers Menu Cards
:: happy hour begins at 12:03 PM [+] ::
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Getting Dressed:: Saturday, March 29, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I am pleased to report that I DO NOT MATCH this morning! Hey, the first step to recovery is admitting I have a problem... White lace bra, pink cotton bikinis and blue on the outside.
Just typing that made me want to go change. Shudder.
The lovely JackieLynn has issued her Simon Times this morning, and included the announcement that Simon is #7 on Britain's Worst Dressed Men list. In her wisdom she also tacked on an earlier article in which Simon talks about purchasing Armani trousers and John Smedley sweaters in bulk a couple times a year, and not shopping otherwise.
Now I have to say, the only clothing choice to which I vehemently object is the shoes; in sillier moments over here at Juliet's house Simon is known as "Bootsie" - those pointy toes make me giggle. Otherwise, the T-shirts and sweaters are working for me. Not that I wouldn't like to see him dolled up more often, but I'll take what I can get. (I'll take that white Armani sweater to the incinerator, though - it has overstayed its welcome.)
In the name of research I did go to the John Smedley website to take a look around, and I have to wonder: what on earth made him go in there in the first place? I didn't find a single thing on the site I would actually buy for myself. Well, there were a few overpriced T-shirts I might paint in or something, but nothing of any real value.. (The website is crap, too, and they have some of the most top-heavy female mannequins I've ever seen. You know those girls don't shop at Victoria's Secret, either.)
Maybe you just have to see John Smedley's wares in person.
On Simon.
Oh, I'm going to go meditate on that moment for a while. Have a great day, girls!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 11:06 AM [+] ::
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Die, Emode Quizzes, Die!
Juliet, you were a Popular Kid
Were you voted most popular, class president, homecoming king/queen? Was there a line just to sign your yearbook? Omigod! You were probably the envy of the entire student body! If they could only see you now...they'd probably still be totally jealous.
Well, I don't remember it being quite that way, but after reading the other options I suppose it's about right. Way-past-my-bedtime entertainment sponsored by emode.com.
:: happy hour begins at 11:48 PM [+] ::
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Ribbons and Bows and Men at the Mall
I have a confession to make: I'm one of those women whose underwear and bra always match. Not only that, but I try to coordinate my undergarments with the rest of my outfit.
It's a sickness.
So naturally, when one of my favorite bras finally bit the dust last week I was sent into a tailspin. ACK! What will I wear under my pink cashmere sweater now? No, no, no, I need to do something FAST!
So to rectify this terrible situation I went to Victoria's Secret. I don't normally shop there because...well...I don't like the salesclerks. I'm sorry, but I am 31 years old and can fit myself, thank you; I don't need company. Of course, the bigger issue is - BIGGER. I actually have breasts, so to find something comfortable AND sexy in VS is a monumental challenge. I don't need tits 'til Tuesday! Just show me something pretty that doesn't make my breasts into a shelf and I'll be happy, okay? (Incidentally, does anyone else wear a different cup size in VS than in the rest of the bra-selling world? I kinda like that part...)
But there is a certain power bestowed on the shopper who carries a pink Victoria's Secret bag through the mall. She who possesses the magic bag is immediately granted all available testosterone-laden attention, and if she wields this power responsibly could easily leave building with a date.
Here's how it works: first, make sure you are wearing your favorite perfume. Next, go to VS and buy some of those wonderful boy-cut briefs (they're on sale!) and whatever else strikes your fancy. Once you are given the bag, check your lipstick, stand up straight and stride confidently out of the shop and into the nearest electronics store. Now ask someone for help.
The rest will take care of itself.
Have fun shopping, everyone! Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:30 PM [+] ::
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I Should Have Stayed With Looney Toons
There's a blog I read regularly by a woman who is probably me in an alternate universe; same name, same geography, same feelings about a lot of things. It's scary, really. Anyway, I was catching up in her archives and she mentioned googling ex-boyfriends to see what would happen. I tried it, thinking nobody would come up though it would be a hoot if someone did.
Hit one on the first try. Damn. I wasn't prepared for that.
K and I were best friends in high school. He dated a friend of mine and we doubled a lot, but always under the surface was this amazing chemistry I tried to ignore. He played the saxophone, and I used to sit on the floor with my head against his knee as he played for me. We were in a lot of the same classes, all that AP crap we thought would mean something later, and he usually managed to sit directly behind me. He used to whisper to me during class, and the feel of his mouth against my hair was sometimes more than my young body could take.
We went off to college and I roomed with his girlfriend (how's that for funny?). He went to another school but would visit us often. Eventually he and my friend broke up and she found someone else, but he didn't. His visits became less frequent, and I feared our friendship was seeing its end. Then one night in January he appeared on my doorstep; his hair was wet with snow, and his eyes held something I hadn't seen there before. We didn't leave the room for two days.
We parted ways for the rest of the semester, but when summer came it was like we'd never left at all. His family was out of the country (his father, a chemistry professor, was on sabbatical somewhere) so had their house to ourselves. What I remember most about that summer was the way he kissed me; he would hold my face in his hands and capture my mouth as if he could never get enough. I would drown in his kiss, closing my eyes and forgetting everything but how he tasted, how he felt. Even the floor would disappear from under my feet, and more than once my knees gave way. He always caught me.
At the end of the summer we parted, our relationship cut short mostly by geography but partly from fear; if I let myself sink further in, I didn't know if I'd ever get back out. I thought I loved him, and I probably did, but I wasn't yet done finding out what I wanted out of my life. I needed to get distance from this person to whom I willingly gave over my body and soul.
I didn't see him for three years after that, until my last year in college. We met for coffee in a diner in our hometown and I told him I was getting married. He wasn't expecting that, and we parted on uncomfortable terms. A few years ago I got an email from him saying he was married and telling me about his work and his life. I replied, but our correspondence was brief. I haven't heard from him since.
I'd give you the link to his page - I'm extremely proud of him and all he's accomplished - but I know from my site meter that at least one of you logs on through the university where he is an assistant professor. I won't let this ghost haunt him forever.
I'm sure tomorrow we'll return to nostalgia-free programming, but this was just too strange to keep to myself. Just a word to the wise: make sure you're ready to reminisce before you google old lovers and friends. You never know what you might find.
J
:: happy hour begins at 12:50 PM [+] ::
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Wow, I Actually Slept!:: Friday, March 28, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! After a long, stressful week I finally managed to string together a whole 9 hours of sleep! The way I see it, I am now caught up back to Tuesday! WOOHOO!! I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep at all last night, after...
MICHIGAN STATE CACKED OFF MARYLAND!!! Hell, yeah! Go Big Ten, baby! I need to find an MSU sweatshirt or something to wear to work on Monday; those obnoxious U of M fans I work with have it coming after all their bluster on Friday. HAHAHA!!!!
Ahhh. I feel better.
On a no less serious yet definitely more somber note, I know a lot of us have been worried about Simon lately. He just seems "off" somehow, like he wishes he could just disappear for a while. Since we don't have an email or snailmail address for our best wishes, HFS and I thought we would post a letter to Simon on the entry page for the doll site. I doubt he'll ever see it, like he'd probably never read fan mail, but it makes us feel better knowing we tried. If you aren't familiar with the song we dedicated to him, check out Steve Tyrell's A New Standard; when I was in Atlanta for a show a few years ago I had an afternoon off and heard his cover of "The Very Thought of You" in a record store. I purchased the CD and it's been a staple of my life ever since.
I'm going to sign off now and hopefully get some housework done. I say that, but we both know I'm going to end up lying on the couch with my coffee, watching old Looney Toons. Maybe it's better this way.
Have a great day, everyone! Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:51 AM [+] ::
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An Attraction of Circumstance:: Thursday, March 27, 2003 ::
When I was a junior in college I took a class in Interpersonal Communication. Two people in the class were taking it for honors credit: a moderately attractive boy with glasses, and me. I didn’t know him except by reputation (the honors college not being a very big group), and when I say reputation I mean his name: Robert.
Robert and I were also the only two people in the class over the age of 21. Apparently everyone else was fulfilling a freshman requirement; we just needed three more credits with “–H” at the end. We became fast friends, Robert and I, over a strange relationship with our alcoholic professor; he would drag us into a bar after class, and we would drag him back to the bus stop later so he wouldn’t try to drive himself home.
Midway through the semester Dr. B broke the class into pairs to work on our final projects, then handed out our assignments. I can only guess that all Interpersonal Communication scholars are voyeurs – I suppose they would have to be – but Dr. B made no bones about it.
Robert and I were asked to study sexual communication.
Dr. B knew just what would happen; he confessed all in a bar at the end of the semester. He knew I had a boyfriend, and that Robert had a girlfriend, both long-term relationships. He knew we would be working long hours together. He knew we’d be talking about sex. We were set up to fail.
I don’t remember anything about the project itself. I remember images and feelings, things like going to the student union late one night and having Robert follow me into the bathroom – we were deep in discussion, you know – only to sit on the vanity top with his knees parted. I stood between them and we talked about the project, but my eyes were drawn to his lips and my thoughts to what they would feel like on mine. We didn’t touch.
Or the night we walked back to my house in the rain. We took a shortcut through the trees ringing the outdoor theater and as we talked, his hand brushed mine. We both stopped a moment and turned toward each other, standing so close together I could feel his breath. All I wanted to do was lean into him, fall into the wet grass and let him touch me. But I didn’t.
We passed. Dr. B said he didn’t know how, but we managed to keep on the right side of the line. In all the times he had put couples like us together, he said, both parties invariably gave in to their lust, and more than once he’d had to reassign them to other groups to keep them apart.
It was a lesson in attractions of circumstance. I remember it now as a warning to Simon: it’s time for Terri to move out.
Just a little Friday philosophizing!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 3:48 PM [+] ::
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Well, This Should Surprise No One
Which American Idol Judge Are You?
:: happy hour begins at 8:47 PM [+] ::
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The Case of the Missing Hero
Hello, everyone! It's Nancy Drew time again here at Hero Worship Central! Where's Simon?
Well, we know where he isn't: he isn't on Ryan's radio show tonight. In fact, Ryan hasn't even mentioned his absence. And if that weren't strange enough, all mention of Simon's weekly appearances on the radio show has been removed from the station's website.
Say it with me, girls: Hmmmmm...
Could it be that Ryan's preoccupation with pestering Simon has gone one too far? Has Simon decided he can't entertain us with the war on? Only Terri knows, and since she doesn't actually exist I'm afraid we'll never know.
Sadly, the lack of quality Simon time this evening has left me with nothing to get into but mischief. Never one to disappoint, I thought I'd send you all to one of my favorite sites, homestarrunner.com. Make sure your sound is turned on! Start off with the First Time Here? button in the upper right corner, and don't forget to check the Strong Bad Emails. The toons are hysterical, too!
Hopefully we'll hear some good news on our sweet boy soon. Until then, let's hope he isn't a) sick, b) in jail, or c) trying to skip town. I'd hate to have to track him down and drag him back here by his... Wait. That might be fun for me!
Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:32 PM [+] ::
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High-Heeled Feet:: Wednesday, March 26, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! It's the morning after, which means we have six more days until Simon comes back to us. Tragic! Here's to Ryan Seacrest: may he deliver us our hero tonight on the radio, Terri-free and pure again. Aaaahh...
Now that spring has sprung there's a little something extra in my step these days: heels! All year long I wear heels; in the winter they are low and functional, and in the summer they get taller and sexier. Today, I finally pulled out my first cute shoes of the season.
My feet are killing me.
Every year I forget this day. For months I look forward to bringing out the slides, the delicate straps that wind around my ankles, the mary janes. I pine for them, even pull them out of their boxes sometimes when my spirits are low, and I think about how cute they are and how happy I'll be once the weather turns nice and I can wear them again. I imagine myself running through a field of daisies with my dress floating around me, unencumbered by the clunky trappings of winter.
I forget about my difficulty pressing the accelerator.
It will take me a few days to adjust to having prancy feet again; it always does. Not only is there driving to conquer, but walking on gravel, taking stairs, going anywhere quickly and even sitting still - my knees are up higher under my desk (this disturbs me).
I'll survive by knowing I look damned cute.
Have a great day, everyone! Kisses!
Juliet
PS - On hearing sirens during the morning drive, does anyone else ever wish, just for a second, that it's your office building that's on fire? No? Well, then it's just me.
:: happy hour begins at 8:47 AM [+] ::
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Ten Little Indians
Hello, everyone! Tonight's results show was...long, so I'll make this brief.
Actually, not, but what do you expect? You've all been here long enough to know better. Before we launch, though, I have to mention the last ad we were shown before the show started, the scrolling text for Wanda Whatever's new show. At a point it references AI as "clean, utterly wholesome entertainment".
Well, I sure as hell hope not! I didn't get enough Simon last night for that kind of crap. Gimme the good stuff!
And, they do! Right off the bat we see Simon with one shirtsleeve pushed to his elbow, and the other stuffed up over his bicep. Wholesome entertainment? Not from where I'm sitting...
After the introductions Ryan tries to get the kids on the couch to play nice with one another. They ALL picked someone else as the best of last night's show? Oh, and Julia and Kim C. picked each other? Hmmm. (And leave it to Cauldwell to act out the definition of "condescending". She does a lot of acting in this one - just you wait.) You know, it's all right to let the kids talk to the audience, but only if the kids are all Clay.
Oh, it's a country rock ensemble piece! The song is allegedly titled "Where the Blacktop Ends;" I wouldn't know, so I'll take their word for it, but with a name like that I just kept thinking about the myth that the world is flat and if you go too far you'll fall off its edge. There are so many directions I could go with that one, but I'll let you use your imagination. I'll just consider myself fortunate that the kids didn't start square dancing, line dancing, clogging or something. I would have had to vomit.
Commercial break! Cue the theme for I Dream of Jeannie! Daa da, da da di da da, daa da, da da di da da...
Simon has apparently spent his Jeannie time brushing up with Paula because when the cameras come back he pushes himself back so hard and so fast his chair keeps rolling for a few feet. Interesting. Anywho...
It's Canned Q&A time! So, Simon? If you were stranded on a boat...
That's as far as I get. For the rest of the night I'm on a boat with Simon. All you dirty-minded readers know just what I was going to say next, so there's no need to say it. Daa da, da da di da da...
Let's break for a lesson in Simonism, shall we? When Simon makes a statement he considers to be true he always follows it up with "No, I do," or "No, I'm serious" or something along those lines. I hope Paula realizes this before she picks out a china pattern.
AND NOW! More commercials. BUT FIRST! Mustang Sally? Mustang Sally. Kimberly Cauldwell is a slut and Fox needs to rethink the show's G rating. Seriously.
NOW commercials... When we come back, Ryan hits the nail on the head: let's "draaaag out the results show." Oh God.
The second ensemble number of the evening is Proud to be an American. Yes, I am.
Back to the couch, to find out Mustang Sally is in the bottom three! There's finally some hope in my life! There's also a boat on which I'm stranded with Simon... Ahem. Ricky and Julia join Sally in the sludge, then Ricky is sent back. Then the good girl does it: Julia pretends to scratch her head while secretly flipping Ryan off. IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME SOMEBODY DID THAT!
Back to the boat... Back to the boat...
Back from commercials. Julia is gone, and Sally pretends to sob uncontrollably but has no tears. Yet.
The rest of the show:
Julia montage (with footage of Sally crying)
Julia singing (with footage of Sally crying)
Sally crying
Sally crying
Sally laying her head on Julia's shoulder and crying
Julia kicking her head back and clocking Sally on the forehead
SCORE!
Julia wasn't the best singer by far, but I genuinely liked her and I'm sad to see her go. Sigh.
So anyway, back to the boat with Simon...
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:03 PM [+] ::
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I Really Shouldn't Have Done That:: Tuesday, March 25, 2003 ::
Morning.
It's all Simon's fault, HFS, it really is. If I didn't love him so much I would have simply changed the channel last night (like everyone else in America) and wouldn't be hung over today, but I do so I didn't and now I'm going to suffer. MORE SUFFERING at the hands of Simon Cowell.
Simon, you're really going to have to make this up to me. Let's see... You have AI again tonight (RUNNING OVER THE WEST WING DAMMIT) and Ryan's show tomorrow, so book the flight for Friday morning and I'll send someone to pick you up at the airport. I'd suggest flying into Dulles if you can, although Baltimore is smaller and easier to negotiate. Yeah, better make that BWI. I wouldn't want you to get lost or anything.
So, hungover but look cute. At this point I'll take what I can get.
So anyway, over the last several days I've been getting an obscene number of hits from people running searches on Simon and Terri Seymour. I suppose in the name of good sportsmanship I should say something nice about her.
Um.
Have a great day everyone! Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:32 AM [+] ::
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What in the Name of Doris Day and All that is Unholy
If you are a country music fan, stop...HERE. The rest of you, welcome to my inebriated little recap of tonight's fiasco! While the 4592 fans in Gatlinburg call in their votes, I'll be helping Fox kick off their latest reality TV idea, Trailer Park Idol! Yeehaw!
Let's start the show with a group shot, shall we? I wish we hadn't; the singers look like the cast of an off-off-off-Broadway production of Gilligan's Island Meets Oklahoma, and the director has done too much cocaine. Follow that up with a Village People reference and a nod to Simon as a banjo player from Deliverance, and we're properly situated in Hell.
As for the contestants...
01 - Joshua Gracin - He's wearing a hat. He isn't really singing - more like talking really fast - until he hits that high note, or as I like to call it, the Kuwaiti all-clear siren. Unfortunately, it's too sharp and windows all over the country start breaking. Kill.Me.Now.
At this point we learn Simon doesn't know anything about country music, which means he's suffering as much as we are. GOOD. I love you, Simon, but you could have put a stop to this. You ARE a superhero, right? You could have saved us, but alas, you did not. Sigh.
By the way, the alcohol for the evening starts now. Thanks for the Southern Comfort suggestion Ryan, but I think I'll have a beer. It just seems appropriate.
I cannot be held responsible for anything I write after this. Frankly, I'll consider myself unlucky if I'm still conscious at the end of this hour.
02 - Trenyce - I hate this song, and she's only making it worse. I might get on this girl's bandwagon just because she absolutely cannot sing country. Good for her.
03 - Kimberly Locke - Thank God for small favors! Great song choice - this one's right inside the line for the theme of the show. For the first time this evening I am not offended. I love Kim's voice, and I'm glad she used it for good and not evil tonight.
At this point my husband leans over and says, "These kids may as well be singing to a Spaulding ball for all the attention Simon is paying them."
"Just like us, then?"
"Yes."
04 - Corey Clark - What's with the shirt, you hairless wonder, you? Okay, folks, COREY CANNOT SING. HOW MANY GENRES DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH TO FIGURE OUT HE HAS NO TALENT? "Get lost and drift away," Corey. We won't miss you.
05 - Carmen Rasmussen - Oh...My God. There is not enough beer in the world for this. Corey first, America, then Carmen. Please?
"Crack open a cold one." - Ryan. Well, okay. Say hello to beer #2.
You know, food poisoning is more fun than this show tonight. At least when I'm throwing up I know I'm losing weight.
06 - Ricky Smith - How did this kid manage to toss what sounds like a movie love song into this show? Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, I just think someone must have owed him a favor. We'll cash in on that with you, Ricky.
And now, as if hearing country music all night weren't bad enough, we're treated to another totally random reference to Terri.
Beer #3.
07 - Kim Cauldwell - Oh my God I hate you.
08 - Ruben Studdard - Oh! Things just got better! I was listening to this song in my car today while I was taking off my stockings. Good memories. Of course, isn't this a classic rock song? Praise be to God.
Leave it to Simon to ask what's certainly been on my mind all evening: Paula, are you drunk? Me, too! HAHAHA!!
09 - Julia DeMato - Every deer hunter in America just sat forward. It's dangerous to put this girl on stage during Country Karaoke Night at Cactus Flats. Damn dangerous.
10 - Clay Aiken - I love Clay, you know I do, but what's with the An American Tail II: Fievel Goes West tune? He's still wonderful, but this one won't be making my "best of" CD.
They've finally stopped singing, and I am undeniably trashed. So where does this leave us? Well, since we didn't reach any real highs - you know, like the Blues Brothers singing "Stand By Your Man" behind some chicken wire or something - I suppose we'll have to let those 4592 people in Gatlinburg who actually kept watching this train wreck decide our fate. Or, we could do the humane, Fear Factor thing and just say everybody sucked, you all lose, everybody gets to come back next week for a chance at $25,000.
Come on, Gatlinburg.
Goodnight, everyone. May the alcohol you consumed tonight bring you sweet Simon dreams.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:35 PM [+] ::
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I'm Late:: Monday, March 24, 2003 ::
I know, and I'm sorry. It's been a day. As those of you who check the message boards may already know, I spent a good part of today running down information about how to spot a rabbi on a list of random people.
I hope that doesn't require further explanation because I can't for the life of me describe it any better than that.
I woke up this morning in a mini-panic attack; lack of sleep and caffeine abuse have led me to dream work dreams. That is never, ever good. The worst part is, while I'm dreaming work at night, I'm thinking fanfic all day at the office. How the hell does that work out?
Rambling? Why, yes I am. And this is why I haven't blogged yet today.
But there is disco in my future, and if I try very hard I will be able to stay awake to hear it. Rescue me, Simon! Please?
Juliet, Damsel in Distress
:: happy hour begins at 4:45 PM [+] ::
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Bad News, Kids:: Sunday, March 23, 2003 ::
Now I know this is going to come as a shock to some of you, and I want you to be prepared. This is the sort of revelation that could shatter our entire worldview. Are you sitting down? Okay, here we go:
Doris Day is Satan.
Not what you were expecting? Yeah, me either! I've been a Doris fan for years and years (as soon as I escaped from the musical black hole that was the 80's); there's something about her voice that makes me smile.
Or so I thought.
I told you I've been spending a lot time with Doris lately. Well, after I had some sort of tantrum over a box of Band-Aids falling off the kitchen counter last night my husband made an observation. Whenever I listen to too much Doris I get cranky. Grouchy, even. I'm not easy to live with under the best of circumstances, but this level of animosity toward human- and bandaid-kind in general was pretty rare.
"No way! Doris is the BEST! How could you say such a thing?" I scream while desperately trying not to wing the bandaid box across the house. It's a valiant effort, but one which is destined to fail. Bandaids end up scattered over the dining room table while one of the dogs runs off with the broken cardboard box.
Okay, so maybe he has a point. To test his theory I switch over to Peggy Lee and things seem to improve. Hmmm.
As soon as I put Doris in the CD player on my way to work this morning, road rage sets in and I find myself sorely tempted to rear end someone just for the hell of it. Switch to Frank Sinatra and soon I'm singing along and checking my lipstick in the rearview mirror. Strike two.
In one last attempt to prove Doris Day is still worthy of hero status I played her in my office this morning. The tiara magically flew out of my desk drawer and bruised my forehead from the force with which it landed on my head. I started forwarding calls to voice mail immediately and didn't even launch Outlook so I wouldn't have emails to contend with. I got paged, and the Tourette's began.
A few minutes with Tony Bennett put me back to rights.
So there you have it, girls. Doris Day is Satan, and I've been her willing minion all along. I'm pretty sad that I have to let her go, but I think it's best for everyone this way. At least my husband won't have to duck flying objects as often anymore.
Sigh.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:24 PM [+] ::
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Sloth and Fighting:: Saturday, March 22, 2003 ::
Hello, everyone! I have completely given myself over to my natural tendency toward laziness. A little Doris Day and a lot of pajama time will do that to a girl.
I did have a great conversation with my mother this afternoon. Those of you who know me from the boards and personally know my love for debate. Well, I inherited that from somewhere. Mom and I talked war, the UN, domestic policy and local v. national politics for two hours and didn't agree on a damn thing.
I really miss her!
Mom is the one who taught me what it means to fight tooth and nail for your point, then go to lunch and laugh about mascara foibles. So next time you engage me in a debate, remember: I'll still respect you in the morning, as long as you aren't hitting below the belt.
Shelley is feeling lazy, too, so any new fanfic installments will probably take me a few more days. Fortunately, there are some fantastic stories over there for you all so you aren't stuck in there with me. Thanks to everyone who is writing AND reading! Hopefully there's lots more where these stories came from! (I'm pointing at two of you specifically...LOL)
Just one more tidbit before I sink back into the couch: HFS called to my attention a particular entry on the doll site meter. Remember how I told you we can see how people are linking to us? Well, someone evidently typed in "Anatomically Correct Adult Doll" at the Google prompt and ended up with Safari Simon.
Imagine how THAT guy is feeling today.
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 5:06 PM [+] ::
...
Nothing a Makeover Can't Fix
Hi girls! After a long day spent in writer's block hell, I finally took off and went driving. Funny how my car knows just where the department store is.
$200 later I'm feeling pretty again and ready to write! Well, I will be once I shake off Lynyrd Skynyrd - not my usual fare, but my steady diet of Frank Sinatra and Doris Day caused a rebellion somewhere along the line. (Fortunately the change of music did not affect my shopping spree. Thank God for small favors.)
It's funny; I've been listening to Frank to get into Simon's head a little more, except I'm such a big fan myself it didn't work! It was still just me! (Doris was just pure self-indulgence.) I don't know when Simon left me, but I'm sure as hell going to track him down. This is just unacceptable. Tsk tsk, Simon, leaving a girl in the lurch like this! If you weren't such a gentleman all the rest of the time I might have to hurt you.
Okay, I'm officially ditching LS. I'll catch you all tomorrow! Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:09 PM [+] ::
...
Good Morning!:: Friday, March 21, 2003 ::
Hey everyone! Wow, I got in here before noon today - shock! LOL
Simon dreams? Nope. I dreamed I had a pimple. That better not be prophetic; it wasn't the pimple that ate Cincinnati or anything, but it still isn't welcome.
I haven't read over my fanfic progress from yesterday because I'm a little afraid. I remember the subject - and that's enough to panic me. Maybe I'll just avoid the whole issue for a few days.
Wow, I really just don't have anything to write! My Burger King breakfast was pretty good. Let's see... Oh, Jasmine? There is a great deal of discussion about the presence or absence of Simon's foreskin, and the consensus is he is most likely uncircumcised. Val's apprehension about that is mine - I've never seen that in person. The filmstrip in the story, Penises Plain and Fancy, is real by the way. The poor guy sitting behind me in class passed out and they had to stop the show and turn the lights on to carry him out. My professor, good old Dr. Black, didn't bother to take down the last slide while the paramedics were there and that caused a little delay. Oh, the memories!
Just one war comment before I log off: does it seem odd to anyone that even Channel 6 out of Terre Haute, Indiana, seems to have a traffic cam up in Baghdad? If China were about to invade the US do you think we'd let their media set up shop all over Washington, DC?
Hugs, everyone! Have a great day!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:34 AM [+] ::
...
Whew!
So I didn't get a nap after all, but I did do some serious damage to my fanfic! When I read it in the morning I'll either be thrilled I got so far or desperate to hide the evidence. You never know with me.
Since this one is partly Simon's point of view I find myself thinking in his accented drawl, and it's getting rather disconcerting. I kinda like having him in my head, though; he keeps my other personalities company. Work Juliet keeps trying to speed him up and the others are kicking her. I hope they kill her so I can stay home next week :)
Do you know I never did eat that damn peanut butter egg? It's still on my desk, mocking me from afar. How I can be so close to food and still forget about it is beyond me. It's not healthy, I tell ya. (Like a peanut butter egg and a not-so-secret Simon obsession are healthy anyway, but whatever.)
I promise I'll try to get here earlier tomorrow than I did today, though with Simon in my head I may opt for staying in bed all day after all. Having him whispering in my ear like this is pretty dreamy...
'Night!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 11:35 PM [+] ::
...
Did you ever have one of those days...:: Thursday, March 20, 2003 ::
...when all you want to do is crawl back into bed, scrunch way down under the covers and pretend you never have to get up again?
Yeah. Me, too. Simon, care to join me? I bet we could both use a nap like that.
No whipped cream today, though I did pick up a Reese's peanut butter egg. Mmmmhhh... I'll even share my peanut butter egg with you, Simon. All you have to do is show up and pry me out of my office!
I've posted a little more on my fanfic, in case I get sucked into the bed tonight and don't post anything else. Have a great afternoon, everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 1:46 PM [+] ::
...
Let's Make Our Own Fun!
Hey girls! As promised (oh, so long ago) I've finally started a new fanfic board at Yahoo called Stealing Simon's Heart! The board is for non-erotic fiction (as in, no NC-17 ratings, please!). I've posted the first two installments of my new story there already, so go join already!
Calling all my fanfic writers - bust it up, girls! Even if your story, like mine, is unfinished, feel free to post what you have so far!
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 9:22 PM [+] ::
...
A Message to Simon
Dear Simon,
I'm not going to say anything about the fiasco at Bolt tonight, except I'd like to extend an open invitation to you to chat with your biggest fans. I promise a much better venue, and I'll even let you pick the questions you're going to answer.
I want to talk to you about your reason for not appearing on Ryan's radio show tonight. I understand your decision to pull out on the grounds that you didn't think it was appropriate at this time; the move showed a great deal of class and respect on your part. However, I don't think you fully comprehend the effect you have on your fans.
I realize my comments (below) about my wasted day sound flip, but in reality I did go to work. I pushed through a day filled with phone calls, emails, server and programming issues, and clients sent into a tailspin by the war with Iraq. This war is most likely going to finish what 9/11 started on my industry, and we are all suddenly fearing for our jobs. Forget that I'm near the nation's capital and any fears for my life, and for the lives of my friends who have been deployed and colleagues who have to fly every day. I spent this day with CNNRadio as my soundtrack. And I worked.
I can't tell you how much I was looking forward to the diversion hearing your voice would have provided. I know that probably sounds silly to you, but we all must have our escapes, and you are mine. I don't watch a lot of television (outside of the news) and have no other celebrity crush. You are it, Simon, and now that I won't get my "fix" tonight I've been pulled back into the vortex of work brought home and bulletins on MSNBC.
I respect your decision to forego the radio show tonight. In your place I might have done the same. However, for thousands of your American fans you are a one-man USO, and we need you. I hope we can count on hearing your voice next week; a week into the war we'll need you even more.
Love,
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:34 PM [+] ::
...
Today is a Total Waste of Time
Hello again! Beef and cheddar today with an iced vanilla latte, which means more finger holes in the whipped cream and a stickier steering wheel. I've got to get some control over this.
Is anyone else just going to write this workday off as lost? Dear God, almost everyone who's passed my desk today has said something about the push-ups! If it's not that, it's the "Wow, you look, like, 16!" because I wore the pony tail today in Simon's honor! Flip flip flip!!!! (This never fails to bring on a dreamy Headmaster Cowell moment...)
Not only am I getting harassed here in Maryland, but since most of my team is in San Francisco this week I have the west coast checking in, too. Just about the time things settled down over here, my SF buddies started waking up.
Of course, now I'm so wound up I don't even WANT to work. So, I guess I just won't. ;)
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:50 PM [+] ::
...
Two Things...
First, I have found the word for what Simon has done to me - I am ensorcelled.
And still farklempt.
Second, there's a new position open in the Classifieds section at the doll site! This position was suggested by one of Simon's Beverly Hills neighbors who emailed the story to the doll site address last week. I kid you not, girls - this Simon story actually happened.
Poor Simon! Aw, come here - I'll make it all better... ;)
J
:: happy hour begins at 9:01 AM [+] ::
...
That Was Some Dream!:: Wednesday, March 19, 2003 ::
Wait, that was REAL! Oh Lord, he really did do the push-ups last night, AND he was sweet and wonderful!!!
Okay, can you tell I'm hormonal?
Seriously, I am still farklempt about this whole thing. Simon, you're a good man. Before the show I was considering not watching (gasp!) and instead watching the news. NOW? Yay for the troops, and Simon did push-ups...and they were beautiful!
Yes, I'm crazy about the physical challenge, but the real star of the night was Romeo Simon. He's the reason I'm still all swoony this morning. (Oh yes, and he's still in bed right now... Sigh...)
I'm going to go worship in peace. Don't forget, the judges will be in chat at Bolt (ICK!) tonight at 7:15, and Simon will hopefully turn up on Ryan's radio show at 8! Have a great day everyone! How could you not?
Love,
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:21 AM [+] ::
...
Well, I Tried
I took notes again tonight. Here's what they were:
New effects in the theme song and the woowoos have returned? I'd like more woowoos but I'll take what I can get!
Introducing Simon! Such a charming smile, and an obligatory eye roll for the people who had the balls to boo him.
Simon clapping during Footloose? HA! And was that the Adams kid in the audience twirling Idiot Cauldwell? I thought we got rid of him.
Simon doing knuckle push-ups with his shirt tucked in.
***********
I didn't write anything after that. I fell face-down into the couch. There was a brief call with HFS and some sort of past-contestant retrospective, but I have no real recollection of either event. I looked up just in time to see Simon and Paula cuddling up and thought, somewhere in America about a thousand 'shippers just crossed over with John Edwards.
Fortunately I taped the ep! On going back I now see what I missed before - Simon is no tiddler, girls. Go frame by frame. Actually, you don't have to do that - watch it at regular speed and you'll see it anyway.
Have a drink first, though.
I've been thinking about Simon's demeanor a lot lately, and the change has never been more apparent than it was tonight. It seems that the shy, sweet, gentle Simon we all love so much is finally making some public appearances. I don't know about you all, but I am in love with this man.
With all of him.
Juliet
PS - Oh, right - just when I remembered Charles I can officially forget him. Kim Cauldwell tried to cry.
PPS - Clay's going to get voted off the island if he keeps hugging on the skank.
:: happy hour begins at 9:26 PM [+] ::
...
The Good Life
Oh, the good life, full of fun seems to be the ideal
Mm, the good life lets you hide all the sadness you feel
You won't really fall in love for you can't take the chance
So please be honest with yourself, don't try to fake romance
It's the good life to be free and explore the unknown
Like the heartaches when you learn you must face them alone
Please remember I still want you, and in case you wonder why
Well, just wake up, kiss the good life goodbye
Thank you, Tony Bennett, for saying what we all know to be true.
I hope you're listening, Simon.
Love,
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 1:48 PM [+] ::
...
So This is the Dining Room...
I promised myself I would get out of the office for lunch, and I did! Well, 20 minutes to pick up food, and now 40 minutes of sitting at my desk trying not to work. This is what it's come to.
On a good note, this is a great lunch! A turkey club (the turkey and bacon balance out; the mayonnaise is not up for discussion) and an iced mocha latte (skim milk + whipped cream = 2%).
Food math.
What is it about whipped cream, anyway? They give me a domed lid so the whipped cream will fit, and I spend the entire car ride back to work sticking my finger through the straw hole and dipping out the whipped cream. The drive invariably ends with a sad pile of white goo on top of my coffee, and my fingers (and steering wheel) being all sticky. It's so worth it, though.
I've thought about making my own iced mocha lattes at work - it wouldn't be that hard, really - except I know the can of whipped cream wouldn't last a day. I'll let a bag of chips or a cake go stale and end up throwing it out, but there's something so...interactive, maybe? about a can of whipped cream.
Oh, Simon.
J
:: happy hour begins at 12:33 PM [+] ::
...
The Real Thing:: Tuesday, March 18, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! Sorry I'm so late this morning - it's already been a struggle to keep the tiara in the drawer. ACK! It's going to be okay though - Tony Bennett is singing to me.
Another perk: remember when I was talking about all the West Wing fanfic I've been reading? I was trolling a story board last night, picking through stand-alones, and I came across a post from an author lamenting the fact that Josh Lyman, love of her life, was actually a fictional character. Ah, I thought, as easy as that makes it for her to write about him, MY hero is real.
In fact, MY hero is still in bed as I write this, his hair sticking up at all angles and his limbs tangled in the bedsheets. His breathing is deep and even, and perhaps the beginnings of a smile play at his lips as he dreams. Soon he will awaken and stretch, yawning the day into life, before toddling off to the bathtub and washing away the last veil of sleep. He will breakfast with his mother, and maybe they'll talk about their family or his new house. And Julie will gaze at her son and wish for him to find someone to love him as much as she does.
I know; the Juliet sisterhood has to stick together.
Have a great day, everyone! Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:47 AM [+] ::
...
And Now For the Recap...
Hey kids! I'm getting smarter about this recap thing - I'm taking notes now! I guess that college education was good for something after all, eh? (Hi Dad!)
Can I just say, what did we do to deserve TWO winks from Simon right off the bat? You read my blog, don't you sweetie. I know you do - you knew just what I needed! SWOON!
Gladys Knight? Hell yeah! I love her, and I think she had just the personality we need to help the banter along. You know I like the guest judge idea, mainly because things among the original three weren't going so well this season. Gladys brought the funny, though! Love it!
Speaking of funny... Randy pics? ROFMLAO!!!! I like that guy...
And now, the reason we're all here (besides Simon, of course):
01 - Corey Clark - Tone deaf. I wish I were, too.
02 - Ruben Studdard - He could sing a Mentos jingle and win a Grammy! Mmmhhh... Happy times...
03 - Trenyce - She's no Whitney, but not bad. Don't like her boobs in that dress - kinda alienish. Also, award for most awkward key change ever. Overall I'd give her a 7. Actually, she gets an 8 because Simon liked her song - he was getting a little wiggly there for a bit! Yummy!
Enter Simon's mother. Nice lady, but what's with the prostitute sitting next to her? Darling imaginary Extra correspondent, if you're wearing a skirt (especially a lycra mini) you really shouldn't cross your legs. I could make some very crass comment right now, but I'll refrain. After all, the mother of my beloved was in the audience.
04 - Clay Aiken - EEEEEE!!! Put out a CD already! I'm almost desperate enough to go back through my videos and record his performances to audio! If I weren't inherently lazy I'd have done it already, but maybe I should wait a few more weeks anyway. You know, round out the collection a little more... Yeah, that's it.
Potty break! Hum Girl from Ipanema or something so you can't hear me tinkling, okay? Thanks!
And we're back just in time for...
05 - Kimberly Cauldwell - Lucky me. Yikes. Don't these kids have someone helping them dress? What is this look you're going for here, 80's thrift store chic? While you run off to find a better wardrobe, don't bother to come back. When the backup singers have more words than you do, you know your curtain call has come. Plus, I just hate you.
06 - Joshua Gracin - Great country voice. I love the song he chose ("Don't Want to Miss a Thing") but I hate hate hate country, so I'm torn. Go make money, Josh. I wish you the best.
Disco next week?
07 - Carmen Rasmussen - Bleating sheep, yodeling and missed notes. I thought you loved me, Simon. Sigh! I guess we all have our disappointments...
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Simon, dissing the Dixie Chick who insulted our President? I LOVE YOU, SIMON! WOOHOO!! Sweet redemption, darling. You da man! Hugs!
08 - Charles Grisgby - All right. I always forget about this guy when I count the contestants, and now that I'm writing this stuff down I'll remember why.
Vanilla Coke ad! EEEE!
09 - Rickey Smith - Does he have a cold? What's with the nasal?
10 - Julia DeMato - Well, a vast improvement over last week, though she's not going to last much longer. I think the off-one-shoulder tank top did her in.
11 - Kimberley Locke - I hated her song, but Jesus God what a voice! Yeah, there's another $20 spent on a CD. Beautiful!
Which brings us back to our first, the original, the one and only American Idol, Kelly Clarkson. We made a good choice last time - go us! Hearing Kelly sing again restores my faith that sooner or later Corey, Kim C. and Carmen will drop off. I anxiously await that day...
You know what, though? I could have skipped the entire episode, as long as I flipped the channel in time to see Simon with his arm around Gladys' chair and whispering in her ear. Just the thought of his warm breath on my ear, the nearness of him assaulting my senses as my eyes close and I give in to the temptation...
Good grief. I need to go...get some work done. Something. Whatever.
Have a great night, everyone! See you in the morning!
Love,
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:29 PM [+] ::
...
I Am Home - Empty Handed and Headed
Hey girls! I left before 5 with no work in tow. Screw 'em. I'm tired and my tiara is drooping. Can't have that.
Does anyone else here consider Bitch by Meredith Brooks her anthem? I love this song. I don't care what Simon or anyone else says - it's perfect. "Just when you think you've got me figured out the season's already changing..."
I don't know how my husband puts up with me.
I also don't know how a tobacco farmer got a John Deere tractor onto the National Mall without drawing any suspicion. You'd think some park police flunky would have noticed that coming up the lawn. Anyway.
SIMON!!! It's your turn to save me, darling. Tonight, you'll ride into the studio on your white horse and rescue me from cranky clients, war and house hunting! (Excuse me, but $25k extra for a curving staircase? Sure! No problem! Just call 1-800-PISS-OFF and they'll page me.)
I'm already drinking. Is that bad?
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 5:50 PM [+] ::
...
Hollywood Couldn't Make This Up
There is a tobacco farmer on a tractor in the middle of the reflecting pool next to the Washington Monument.
One of my clients has been evacuated. I'm picturing him stretched out on a lawn chair in his back yard, ignoring his boss's calls with a cold beer (with a little umbrella sticking up out of it) in hand. He's going to call me drunk in a minute and tell me about the tractor in the reflecting pool.
I shouldn't be laughing, but... There's a tractor in the reflecting pool.
I should also mention that msnbc.com is covering this "explosive issue" as the reason DC traffic sucks...today.
:: happy hour begins at 11:59 AM [+] ::
...
American Idol Meets the Middle East:: Monday, March 17, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! How are you all today?
I'm sorry I haven't been spending much time on the blog lately, but I have a couple of things in the works. Hopefully they'll be worth the wait! (One of them involves you, HFS - I'll tell you about it soon!)
In the mean time, I promised myself I wouldn't turn my imaginary world into an outlet for my political rants, and I won't. All I have to say about the impending conflict in Iraq is this: it's gonna screw up American Idol. I'm not upset about that - I'm a newsy kinda girl and when AI (and WW) aren't on, the TV is always tuned to MSNBC/FOXNews/C-Span/CNN.
I'm sure Fox will protect its assets and find a way to make the show work in the coming weeks, but we will all have to be patient. Perhaps they'll run the broadcast later in the evening or on alternate dates; we'll just have to wait and see. Fortunately for us, we've hitched our wagon to the biggest star in Fox's schedule, and they'll be sure to take us with them. (If you're a Bernie Mac fan or something...sorry about that. You're done.)
So anyway, in regards to my earlier statement about having other things coming, how are the rest of you doing on your fanfics? I know a few of you had some ideas and things in the works - where are they? I won't name names just yet, but once I finish my little foray into Simondom I'll be bringing the peer pressure - yeah, you betcha!
Have a great day everyone, and I'll check in tonight!
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:25 AM [+] ::
...
Bored?
Go to google and search "French military victories". Click the I'm feeling lucky button.
:: happy hour begins at 1:21 PM [+] ::
...
Happy St. Patrick's Day!:: Sunday, March 16, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! Are you wearing your green today? I am! My team is apparently not in the spirit, though, so there will be lots of pinching in my future.
Fun!
I almost hit a jogger today. Damn pedestrians.
SIMON! Go DO something so we have something to talk about! (I'll smack you if it's Terri-related and ISN'T Terri disappearing forever, though - if I'm pinching for green you can imagine what you'll get for THAT!)
I think I'll listen to some Celine Dion this morning and see if I can't channel Simon's nasty spirit for a while. He should still be asleep, so it'll be easier... What should I make him do?
Wish me luck! ;)
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:16 AM [+] ::
...
Wow, It's 3 Already?:: Saturday, March 15, 2003 ::
Hello everyone! Sorry I'm so late today - the couch just kind of sucked me in. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything today.
Good news, though - apparently Simon is willing to do AI3 IF they delay it until 2004! Sounds like a good plan to me; I'm in no mood to see this show return so quickly. Poor Kelly is already over as it is, and the talent from this year is going to deal her the final blow. Sad but true.
Simon never will leave us completely, you know. His success in the US is far greater than what he could achieve in the UK, plus there's more money to be made here. We're the Holy Grail of Entertainment, and he knows it. The new house, Cupid and AI3 - proof enough for me!
Now all we need to do is convince Mum to lock him in the basement for a while when he goes home, just long enough for Terri to find another sugar daddy, and he'll return to us pure once more! Come on, Mum, we're counting on you!
Again with the Loreena McKennitt over here, and it's blunting me. I'm feeling all soft and dreamy today. The couch is soft and dreamy, too... Hmmm....
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 3:13 PM [+] ::
...
Can Someone Please Tell Me...
...when they started running porn on The Movie Channel? Like, not Skin-amax simulated fucking, but the real thing? Hell, the Playboy Channel is running softer stuff than this right now...
:: happy hour begins at 11:15 PM [+] ::
...
Piss Off, Ryan
I just used the perfectly legal word "mew" in Scrabble.
(does happy Simon dance)
J
:: happy hour begins at 8:41 PM [+] ::
...
Ice and People Who Talk a Lot
Hey everyone! It's been a long 22 hours for me - how are you all doing? Here's how I am:
Last Night
I spent $250 to find out that hockey is basically very cold soccer. You know, I don't really like soccer. High points: two - the tiny tot game between periods (the puck looks a lot bigger with them, plus they're adorable when they fall over for no apparent reason) and the Kiss Cam. The idea behind the Kiss Cam is they point the camera at various couples in the crowd, and when they see themselves on the screen they kiss. Enter Grandma and Grandpa - when the camera finds them she's yelling at him and he's scratching his ass. Predictably, they do not notice the camera or that they're on the monitor. The camera returns to them three more times for more yelling and ass scratching, until they finally notice and refuse to kiss. Classic.
Other than that, I suspect I have a pretty good idea how some people feel when they watch C-SPAN; there was something going on, but I couldn't tell you what the hell it was.
This Morning
I judged a public speaking contest. Oh, the joy of four hours of teenagers speaking about cloning, the freedom of symbolic speech and quarterhorses. We gave the top prize to a boy who actually interested me in his topic: reptiles. Of course, he started off telling us how his grandmother screamed when he "showed her his lizard". He probably could have worded that differently.
One girl did tackle the media v. society, and paid special attention to reality television. I asked her if she watched any of these shows and she does - American Idol! Obviously she did well with me, although my fellow judges didn't think that was a point in her favor. She recovered well with talk about MSNBC and public television, but winked at me on her way out the door. I made her first runner-up.
All in all not a bad 22 hours! I'm hoping to log some fanfic time today, but I'll just have to see. I'm so full of coffee my eyeballs are twitching.
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 2:41 PM [+] ::
...
What the Hey?:: Friday, March 14, 2003 ::
Hey girls! I just logged on, and damn! No boards!
JL, have you emailed the managers yet? Do you still have the address?
How is everyone? I'm going to blog about my adventures in a minute, but wanted to get this out first!
J
:: happy hour begins at 2:21 PM [+] ::
...
Oops
So Boss sends me a pic of Terri with a note, "doesn't she kind of look like a Klingon?"
I stare at the evil image for a moment before blurting out one of my favorite movie lines - "She's so skinny I heared you couldn't hit her with a handful of corn!"
This from a mouth full of thin mints.
:: happy hour begins at 10:17 AM [+] ::
...
The End of Another Week:: Thursday, March 13, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! We made it through another fun-filled week and are closing in fast on the weekend! FINALLY!
Unfortunately, I'm heading into a pre-Simon weekend, one which closely resembles what my life was like before I fell so hard. I actually have some plans! What the HELL?!
Do you remember when I had the flu, I told you I promised to go to a hockey game? Well, that's tonight. I've never even watched hockey on television, and now I'm paying $100 a ticket to see it live. I'm trying very hard not to have attitude about this.
I'm failing.
My hope is hockey turns out to be as violent as I've heard it is. I tend to like violent sports better - I don't know why. I guess something about Simon just feels so primal.
Wait, that should be something about fighting feels primal. Good Lord. (I know you probably think that slip was intentional, but it was NOT. I'm so screwed here.)
Tomorrow, I'll be judging a public speaking competition. Judging. As in, behind a table with two other judges. I should be home by mid-afternoon, but just having my morning taken away from Simon worship seems wrong. I guess I'll just daydream some ideas about how sex on the judges' table would go, since I'll be in the scene and all.
Listening to speeches about raisins and flooding.
Not having attitude... Not having attitude...
At least I'll have Ryan's jab at the S/T sitch to smile about today! I'm such a cold, heartless bitch, but it seems to be good for my complexion so I'll keep it.
Have a great day everyone!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:20 AM [+] ::
...
I Take It Back
I guess I won't have to run my car up the sidewalk after all (though the looks of fear on those damn peds would have been sweet).
Simon isn't on the radio tonight because he's at some big photo shoot. Apparently all the judges are on spring break in Miami. Who cares.
HE'S HAVING TROUBLE WITH "THE GIRLFRIEND". - Ryan
That is all I'll ever need to know.
J
:: happy hour begins at 8:13 PM [+] ::
...
It's About Damn Time!:: Wednesday, March 12, 2003 ::
Hello, everyone! I don’t know what the deal is with Blogger not granting me access this morning, but that’s all right – I didn’t have anything to say anyway. (Which is a lie – I never shut up – but there wasn’t anything happening that YOU’D want to read about.)
(Not that you want to read about this either, but it’s my blog and I’m bored so there you go.)
Pedestrians. Now, what kind of evil planet is this that pedestrians supposedly have the right of way? That’s just completely against the laws of physics: in a fight between my big old Chrysler and a bird-like spinster with pursed lips and a bad hat, the bitch is going to lose.
Why does she act as if she doesn’t know that?
By circumstances of birth I grew up recognizing Chicago as the One True City, and in driving through it I acquired my attitude toward pedestrians: sorry ‘bout your luck, kid, but I’d sooner brake for a mosquito. (Never let it be said that I am not a naturalist.)
Imagine my surprise, then, the first time I visited Los Angeles. Wow! Talk about no instinct for self-preservation! These people just step off the curb any old where, and six lanes of traffic stop to let them pass. I, of course, spend those tense minutes practicing my Tourette’s routine and struggling not to flex my finger(s), but native LA drivers use this time to sing along with the radio, wave at passing joggers, reapply lipstick, whatever.
Which only pisses me off a little bit more.
Thankfully I've ended up living on the east coast where most pedestrians are smart enough to look both ways. The ones who aren't... Well, let's just say it's not a big loss. (The spinster from this morning had better watch out!)
So Simon? When you come to Maryland to seduce me, please remember to cross on the green light and look both ways. Don't expect anyone to stop for you because THEY WON'T. And that would make me sad.
Hugs, everyone! If you have any information on Ryan's radio show tonight could you please let me know? I'm planning to listen as always, but since Ryan is scheduled to do an AI chat at 7pm EST I'm not sure how this is all going to work out. If I don't get my Simon time tonight I might take to driving that big old Chrysler on the sidewalk.
Not pretty.
Love,
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 12:33 PM [+] ::
...
Now THAT'S a Shame
Well girls, tonight was a sad night for me. Not only did we get virtually NO Simon (and what little we got was that other guy I don't like so much), but we lost Vanessa Oliverez. Vanessa is one of those performers that really sucked me in; no matter what she did, I wanted to watch.
I believe Simon's comment to her last night was correct: she is an entertainer, not a flash-in-the-pan, good-for-a-quick-buck prospect like Kelly Clarkson. I look forward to seeing more of Vanessa - for years to come.
Congratulations, Vanessa, on breaking free of the manufactured pop mold! NOW you can get down to the real business!
Juliet
PS - How the hell is Corey Clark still anywhere near this show? Hee Haw...
:: happy hour begins at 9:10 PM [+] ::
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A Great Way to Start the Day:: Tuesday, March 11, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I'm in a spectacular mood today! What with last night's AI and the Extra ep (which, if you'll remember, I have to watch the next day) what's not to love?
Extra, Extra, Extra. When will you learn that we aren't interested in your imaginary correspondent? I realize this is the ultimate back stage pass for you, but please - she's not worthy.
On a good note, Simon didn't actually seem to CARE all that much that Terri was around - he was far more interested in Paula! We all know that I am NOT a shipper, but it made me smile to see him having so much fun with anyone other than Terri.
You know what else I love? That Simon is a pretty touchy-feely guy. Oh, to have those hands on my body, even if it's just an arm around my shoulder, or his hand pressed against the small of my back... He just seems like the kind of man who would possess you without overwhelming you.
Did that make any sense? No? Oh, well, I know what I meant. Suffer.
Have a great day, everyone! Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:42 AM [+] ::
...
I'm Coming Clean Before Bed
Okay, there is just no way I could let this go.
I use sitemeter.com to track my blog statistics - how many hits per day, average amount of time spent at the site per user, domain names and IP addresses of some visitors, and sometimes the links readers used to get to me. Now don't worry; I can't see YOU, as in your email address or anything. I've figured some of you out based on shout out times and times at sitemeter, but that's about it. (I can also see your time zone, and THAT is fascinating! Special shouts to my UK, Russian, Japanese, Australian and Alaskan readers!)
Sometimes the links people use to connect to me are actually yahoo or google search results, and following those links back is always a riot. The little preview they give you for the text, highlighting where the search words can be found, is extremely amusing. My special fave is, "Speaking of torture, Terri Seymour".
HA!
So why am I choosing tonight to tell you all of this? Well, it's the TEN people in the last two hours who have reached my site after doing a search on JULIA DAMATO + BOOBS. If you read back through the archives (or run the search yourself) you'll see where they're getting it: Julia was an early fave of mine, and the boob reference was made about someone else altogether.
Ah, everything amuses me at this time of night.
Love,
Juliet
PS - ntl.com? You are one of my most frequent guests, yet I have no idea who you are! Thanks for visiting my little site! :)
:: happy hour begins at 11:50 PM [+] ::
...
They DID It!
Hello everyone! I'm sorry I've been so absent today - what a day it turned out to be. But none of that matters now!
First off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD AND PETMOM!!! WOOHOO!!! I hope you both had a wonderful day!
I know I did! Well, I don't remember much about the day, frankly, because tonight's AI ep more than wiped it all away. I haven't had this much fun watching television in a long time (and that's saying a lot because I just got The Osbournes Season 1 on DVD). Nobody was particularly terrible; in fact, most of the contestants were downright wonderful! I don't know if it was the lack of awfulness or just the tunes that spun the gold, but whatever it was I LLLOVED it!
Of course, how could we have a good time without our beloved Simon? Yes, he had to get his barbs in but overall HIS performance was exceptional. Frisky Simon is back - laughing, snapping his fingers (as only a middle-aged white boy can), kissing the guest star and generally having a good time. Maybe my enjoyment really is pinned on Simon's mood after all, but how can it be otherwise? He's a pretty good barometer of how the ep is going, I'd say.
Might make a nice sundial, too. Just stand him up in... Nevermind.
And can I tell you, I've rewound that vanilla Coke commercial several times now? I forget who said it on the mbs so I can't attribute it properly (sorry!), but I believe the phrase she used was "great comedic timing". Absolutely, Simon. Now we just need to get you your own series without all these other people and we'll be set! I could probably watch Simon just sitting in a room winking at the camera.
Or Simon standing in the yard with the sun...
Oh hell, I'm out of here. Thanks, Simon, for a great night! Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:17 PM [+] ::
...
Well, Well!
Good morning, everyone! What a beautiful morning!
Okay, that would be lack of sleep plus Leno propping me up there, but who cares? I'm so excited! The more of this Simon I get to see, the happier I am in general. Let's just hope we get to see him tonight!
I have to run to a meeting, but will try to drop in later. Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:26 AM [+] ::
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OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS GUY!!!:: Monday, March 10, 2003 ::
Crap, did I just scream that? The cats are running, so I must have. Eek!
EEEEE! Go Simon! Go Simon!
Hate the sweater! Hate the sweater!
But my God, what a refreshing dose of the boy we love. I'm so happy!
And I still have work to do! CRAP!
Aw hell, it can wait. I have some dreaming to attend to... ;)
I love you, Simon! Dump the imaginary Extra correspondent and call me already!
J
PS - Prancer? I thought it was Prancy? LOL
:: happy hour begins at 12:32 AM [+] ::
...
It's Back!
YAY!!!
So if anything like this happens again we'll just gather here and figure it out. Agreed?
Whew! That's a stresser I didn't need! LOL
:: happy hour begins at 11:46 PM [+] ::
...
What the Hell?
So now we know: the message boards are MIA. Any Nancy Drews in the crowd?
If anyone has seen our dear message board, will you please shout out to this entry? Also, if you are going to another board please let us know so we can try to keep tabs on everyone.
Thank you!
J
:: happy hour begins at 11:33 PM [+] ::
...
It's Ten O'Clock...
...and I'm drinking coffee. Anybody want to guess what's wrong with this picture?
I'm stalling. Seriously. I have so much work to do I can't even explain it, so I've decided to keep my butt awake until Leno and maybe through Extra, because I understand it's pretty interesting.
I understand there's not only more imaginary Extra correspondent, but also more Ryan shoving his snarky self into the mix. There's been an awful lot of buzz about that lately, about Ryan's obsession with Simon and Terri's alleged relationship. There are also a lot of theories. Since I'm stalling DESPERATELY now, let's go over them!
1. Simon is gay and Terri is a cover
2. Simon has somebody hidden away and Terri is a cover
3. Ryan loves Simon
4. Ryan hates Terri, or at the least think's she's the Miss Freeride we all know her to be and wants to protect his friend
I'm currently fixating on #4. Ryan seems to be doing his level best to downplay this alleged relationship by publicly calling it into question. Wait a minute, isn't he the one who keeps harping on it, who keeps telling us how much in "lurve" they are? Uh huh. Yep. And doesn't it sound snotty?
Feather boa, indeed.
Simon, nobody is taking this thing with you and the imaginary Extra correspondent seriously. What does that tell you?
1. If you're gay and Terri is a cover, give it up because we aren't buying it
2. If you have someone hidden away and Terri is a cover, give it up and let us see the real deal. You worry too much
3. If Ryan loves you, I have no response to that (unless #1 above is true, in which case you need to sleep with him or set some boundaries)
4. If Ryan hates Terri (as the rest of us do), why won't you listen to your friend?
I'm loving this Loreena McKennitt CD by the way.
Coffee. Work. Kisses!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:25 PM [+] ::
...
Good News, Bad News
Hey all! I am happy to report that, other than numbers 1 and 7 (which we all knew were unrealistic anyway), I did very well on my "not to do" list from this morning! Oh, I huffed a-plenty, but not because I was being paged (because I actually answered my phone! LOL) but because... Well, people in general are stupid.
That being said, I have to pass along part of an email I got from my sister this morning about an incident with her BRAND NEW Mini Cooper (which is about the cutest little thing I've ever seen!):
"Can I just share a little of my life with you for a moment...perhaps you can pass a warning onto your bloggers.
"Yesterday I was going shopping and a guy in a big F-150 came flying around the parking lot, nearly hitting me TWICE. I honked, parked my car and went into the store. 10 minutes later...the MINI was keyed. No security cameras were in the lot, of course. Where the fuck am I? I thought video cameras were standard issue. But no. The policeman couldn't have had less of a personality either, and couldn't have been less helpful. So, since a lot of women read your blog, tell them to watch out for fucking rednecks, and more importantly, to check to see if video cameras are in the lots of their favorite shopping centers. Having a car keyed is very minor compared to what else can happen out there. I cannot believe there weren't any cameras."
Yikes! So consider yourselves warned, girls - it's so easy to forget and drop our guard sometimes. And poor Juliet's Sister! I'm so glad you're safe. Hugs, honey! (Note: since my work email filtered out the bad words I added them back in, guessing at what they were because that's what I would have said.)
Well, I'm back to work for a bit (at home, of course). I'll check in later! Don't forget - the judges are scheduled to be on Leno tonight! WOOHOO!!!
Juliet
PS - ROFLMAO!! I never noticed this, but my blogger spellchecker recognizes all the forms of "fuck"! HA! It's like it was made for me...
:: happy hour begins at 6:34 PM [+] ::
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I Will Try:: Sunday, March 09, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! I am sadly back at my desk; no sex kitten/librarian ensemble while I work today. I wonder what would happen if I did wear it in to work. I could probably get away with it... I bet I could get someone else to do this filing... Mental note: this is an example of what lack of sleep does for mental clarity.
Well, since the tens are gone and there's nothing new in the Simon Times I thought I'd post a list of things I'm going to try to accomplish today! I'm only writing down the difficult things because "getting coffee" would be cheating.
I am going to get coffee, though. Soon.
1. REFRAIN FROM CHECKING BLOG DURING THE WORKDAY
2. Not use the "Bang Head Here" stress reduction kit someone left on my desk over the weekend
3. Not listen to Air Supply
Okay, this is turning into what I'm NOT going to do. I suppose that's about right, though.
4. Not automatically send all calls into voice mail - at least 50% of the time
5. Not huff when I get paged by someone I put through to voice mail
6. Not put on the tiara, except in case of emergency
7. Not, under any circumstances, sit at my desk staring blankly at my monitor while fantasizing about Simon
I think #7 is going to do me in.
Have a great day, everyone! Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:20 AM [+] ::
...
What I Need
Oh, girls. My absolute favorite real-life Simon item has been added to the Miscellaneous Products page at the doll site.
Just the thought of having one makes me shiver...
J
:: happy hour begins at 9:49 PM [+] ::
...
Crisis Averted...Mostly
As you may have noticed, I haven't been fawning all over Simon as much lately as I have in the past. Well, that's because I almost lost him.
Lately I've been feeling more removed from Simon than ever. Oh, I go through this periodically - questioning my faith, as it were. Who is this guy? Watching him on the show doesn't make me feel anything special, and hearing him on Ryan's show hasn't been helping. He's been pretty pissy of late, pretty much everywhere, and was starting to remind me a lot of those high school assholes who talked big and acted bigger. God's gift, pretty much. Why am I following this guy?
I want to thank the lovely and talented Kris for helping me remember why I am Simon Cowell's fan: because he is a man with faults and problems, a fish out of water in a dangerous place where every action or word is fed via satellite to millions of viewers; where every weakness is exploited, seized upon by sharks who can smell the blood for miles.
Where he is all alone with no one to love him just for who he is.
When does it end, Simon? When will it ever be enough? Rich enough, successful enough, famous enough? This isn't who you are. These are things, the trappings of happiness. But are you happy, truly happy? Is all of this, the fame and the money and the women - is this what you expected it would be?
I guess the reason I've been so unhappy lately is I'm reflecting what I see with Simon. I feel like he's cracking, girls. He's losing the battle between Hollywood and his soul, and it makes me so damn sad. It also makes me love him more.
This Air Supply CD isn't helping things, either.
So in the end I'm back to my Simon worship, but I'm not in the frame of mind to be flip about it right now. That's a new impediment to writing fanfic: I can't bring the funny if I don't know where it is.
If you need me, I'll be here looking for it.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 5:51 PM [+] ::
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WWSD:: Saturday, March 08, 2003 ::
What would Simon do?
I ask myself this question all the time. What would he do if he actually visited our message boards or saw the doll site?
What would Simon do if he were confronted with a publicist who didn't like him very much?
What would Simon do if he had a personal assistant?
What would Simon do if he were driving through the desert and came across a frightened young woman in a broken-down Taurus?
WWSD?
I've been reading a lot of West Wing fanfic lately and thinking, this is how it's done; this is how you write fanfic. Why isn't it as easy for me as it seems to be for these writers? This stuff is fantastic! It's witty, quick and much more put together than anything I could write. What makes me different from them?
I know the answer to this, by the way. My husband pointed it out to me. The difference is, West Wing FF writers are weaving stories around well-established characters, writing scenes between Josh and Sam, Josh and Donna, Abby and Jed, Ainsley and Leo... Conversations we've seen before, just with different words and themes.
We, however, are writing blind. We're guessing. We rarely get to see Simon having actual conversations with people; he is sometimes interviewed, sometimes judging but rarely, if ever, in casual conversation with anyone. The closest we get is Ryan's radio show, and even that is still for show. There are no emotional moments and glimpses of realness in any of them. The fact is, whatever we know or think we know about Simon is, unfortunately, just a guess.
I'm all right with that. It means we have creative freedom when it comes to writing Simon as a character; he can be anything we want him to be. Unfortunately it also means we have to work harder to create Simon; every time we write him we are building from scratch.
Basically, this is the excuse I'm giving you for not having any new fanfic to give you -- yet.
Suffer in silence.
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 2:04 PM [+] ::
...
This Just About Says It All
Just read this as a non-Simon reference but knew you could all appreciate it anyway:
"What is God doing to me? she thought. Just because I can't have him, you make him irresistible to piss me off?"
:: happy hour begins at 9:10 PM [+] ::
...
The Cerebral Blogger
I told you this day would not be pretty for you.
I was just visiting a few random blogs looking for...frankly, something to do, and I came across the musings of a pundit wannabe. There are a lot of these in bloggerland so I didn't think much of it, until I scanned over a reference to American Idol.
My interest was piqued.
It shouldn't have been. I shouldn't have gone there; I don't know what's wrong with me. I have sense sometimes; where does it go in times like these?
In this particular entry, our cerebral friend decided to rant about his lack of readership (which should tell you why I use the word "cerebral" with a stunning measure of sarcasm) and asked his readers, would he have more site traffic if he recapped American Idol episodes? Should he stoop to this lowest of lows to broaden his appeal with the "stupid" among us in the hopes he could educate the masses?
I was sorely tempted to leave him feedback saying, why yes, my daily site traffic is roughly three times higher than yours so perhaps discussing AI IS a viable way to bring intelligent, savvy people into your site.
But I didn't. Instead I started reading a little more of his blog, and I must say my outrage quickly turned to pity. Usually I can get a pretty good visual of someone from reading the thoughts they choose to share with strangers, and this guy... Think lab experiments in the basement.
In the spirit of using up more of my daily words I'll tell you another story! Poor you.
In high school I competed in speech and debate competitions on my free Saturdays (which were scarce, but it was fun). Poetry interpretation was my favorite, but I did actually debate a few times, too. Anyway, one Saturday my father accompanied me to a meet (so I wouldn't have to ride the bus...actually, I had missed the bus) and while I was speaking he sat in the near-empty cafeteria and people-watched. On the ride home, he offered me a revelation.
While other school's tables were littered with notes and chess boards, our school's designated table was heaped high with letter jackets sporting patches for football, basketball, cheerleading, dance team (including mine), soccer... You name it, it was there. I went to a large high school - about 2500 students - so it wasn't that we had to cover everything from a small pool. We all just had a lot of interests.
We also won a lot of trophies at those speech meets, and before my father's observation I assumed that was the reason the other schools hated us. On the ride home I realized there was something else going on there, too. These students always snubbed us, looking down their noses at us as if we didn't belong with the intelligentsia. We were jocks and airheads to them - people not worthy of their acquaintance, people who would eventually end up living in trailer parks reminiscing about their glory days in high school while they, the erudite elite, busied themselves running the country.
I think my friend the Cerebral Blogger may have been one of them. I always wondered what happened to those people, and now I know: they're trapped in high school.
Here's to us - for being smart enough to know that intelligence and shameless, kitschy obsessions are not mutually exclusive!
Love you, Simon!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 2:02 PM [+] ::
...
Trouble:: Friday, March 07, 2003 ::
Good morning, everyone! Reading back over my last post I realize my husband and I sound nuts. I suppose this surprises no one.
I'm not sure what's going on with my Shout Outs except the entire website for the vendor who supplies it is down. They've been talking about doing some upgrades, and I'm going to hope it's that. If not, I'll be shopping for a new crew! I'll keep you posted!
Here's another bit of unsubstantiated trivia I'm going to share which will eventually lead to a point: years ago I read a study regarding the number of words the average woman utters in a day, which is naturally twice as many as the average man. My husband and I have noticed that if one of us is left home alone for too long, he or she will save up those words until the other person gets home. We still use the same number of words, we just cram them all in at the end.
Well, I am home alone today.
This means either you're screwed or he is. If you start seeing miscellaneous posts from me with no apparent point (more than normal, that is), then it's you. I am warning you in advance so I don't have to apologize later.
Tens! This is it! I'm a little sad about this, actually. I guess we could try for 200, but I don't think I'm interesting enough to fill that space. Goodbye, fair tens!
91. How people react to money pisses me off. People will too little money either bitch or make me feel guilty because I have enough. People with too much money bitch, too, and sometimes believe they have to give their money away to make friends or have love. Some people use it to compete. All of this is useless.
92. I love to do crossword puzzles but only in ink
93. I believe in God
94. I have never seen the movie Ghandi and don't know much about his life
95. I don't know anything about the Civil War, either, except that I'm a Yankee and we won
96. I drive a Chrysler 300M. Before that I drove a Miata
97. I kiss my friends when I greet them
98. My dry-erase calendar at work is a month behind
99. I have never been arrested
100. The most intimate act in the world can be simply holding hands
So that's it, my friends! Like I said, I'll probably be back in here soon to give you all a fresh dose of nothing important. I guess it's good we're doing this on the weekend!
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 10:07 AM [+] ::
...
The Birthday Present
Flashback, Thanksgiving 2002
My parents, my husband and I were staying in a beautiful bed and breakfast in Norfolk, VA, visiting my sister and her boyfriend. Late one night in my parents' room my father placed a quick cell phone call and hung up. My mother, before she uttered another word, asked my father to check and make sure he'd really hung it up because, obviously, she wouldn't want anything she said to be overheard by the other party if the call had not been properly disconnected.
My husband and I rolled off the couch in our laughter. You see, it has long been a source of amusement to my husband that I do exactly the same thing. Until that occasion I hadn't known this behavior was in my genes, but apparently all the women in my family have the trait. Paranoia, I guess you could call it. My father and husband had a good laugh at our expense, but my mother and I know one just can't be too careful when it comes to one's words.
Tonight
I was all set to fall face down into my birthday cake when my cell phone rang. Unfortunately, it was all the way across the house and I didn't hear it until it was too late. I let voice mail pick it up. About seven minutes later I got the notification beep - someone left me a message! I love messages!
This message was from my mother-in-law and featured a 30-second happy birthday message followed by...six and one-half minutes of her not hanging up the phone.
Naturally, I can't breathe. This is just too good. I hand the phone over to my husband, who listens to my nieces and nephew screaming in the background on my voice mail, while I call my mother on his cell.
Husband: When you die I'm going to have your tombstone engraved, "I WAS RIGHT"
Me: "So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb." - Spaceballs
:: happy hour begins at 11:31 PM [+] ::
...
Thirty One Flavors
Hey everybody! Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes! I had a fantastic day today and am looking forward to a restful evening. You know, I don't have a lot of those so they're nice when they come along! :)
I do have to say that turning 31 has been nothing at all compared to 30. I almost died of fright last year. You see, I was supposed to have a PhD and three children by the time I turned 30. Thank God I don't, but still, it was a bit of a moment for me. This year, however, I'm just doinking a little bit further into my thirties, and I'm kind of liking this decade. Not bad at all when you consider that at this exact time 10 years ago I was pissed out of my mind already and looking for another bar.
Oh, how things have changed.
On my 31st birthday I:
1. Nailed my presentation
2. Got my eyebrows waxed without a single teardrop (though I'll be red until Tuesday)
3. Learned that my company is not only beefing up on fire procedures, but is also planning measures for bioterrorist attacks (which do not include gas masks because by the time we'd all locate them we'd be dead already - that was actually quite funny to me at 3:15 but now, not so much)
4. Found out a car we sold to some young kids a year ago has been abandoned, and since they never properly titled it we're getting it back
5. Realized that a day without my cell phone does not equal death (as I had once feared)
6. Boiled down the transcript of last night's hour-long speech by GWB into two words we already knew: Get ready (why can't politicians just be succinct ONCE? I love that, though)
7. Found out there is some controversy surrounding what time I was actually born - per Mom, 3:26pm, per the hospital 3:36pm (I'm going with Mom - she did all the work)
Overall it was a great day! Now if only Simon would blow me a little kiss the day would be complete and I could go to bed!
Nah... You know that won't happen. We all know I'll be neck deep in some crisis by 8, but hey, that's what's fun about being an adult.
Thanks again to all of you for your birthday wishes! I'll drop in later if I think of anything important to say! (Not that I've said anything important on this blog yet, but you never can tell with me. I'm an enigma, I am.)
Love you!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 6:39 PM [+] ::
...
FRIDAY!:: Thursday, March 06, 2003 ::
WE MADE IT! Yes, it is the last day of the official work week! Of course I still work on the weekends, but that's at home in my sex kitten/librarian ensemble. Totally different story.
So the presentation isn't ready, but whatever. I've read the briefings and the memos and the notes. I'm better at winging things anyway. I always hate it when people overprepare; they look stilted. Forget it. Plus, who's going to know? Boss went to New York this morning, so I'm not too concerned. It's not like he's going to be able to call me before 10. He has an airport to run through.
Tens!
81. I typically enjoy the company of men more than women
82. I only got two C's in college, both in my last semester when I was dating my then-fiance. I really just wanted out of school (which is why I didn't go to graduate or law school; it's funny how your choices for the present affect the future) (Thank God I didn't go to graduate or law school)
83. I have never had sex with a woman
84. I will watch any college football game
85. I sometimes set impossibly high standards for myself and feel guilty when I do not attain them. I lose sleep over this
86. I have had to hard-reset my Palm Pilot twice
87. I was born in Massachusetts
88. I went to school in Indiana
89. I don't think aliens are visiting Earth right now
90. I do believe in ghosts
So that's my story and I'm sticking to it! Only one more round of tens, and then we're FREE!
I'm off for coffee and a quick trip around the office. Mornings are for puttering...
Hugs!
Juliet
:: happy hour begins at 8:24 AM [+] ::
...
Palm Pilots Say the Darnedest Things
In going over my schedule for tomorrow I realize I have TWO meetings stuffed in there. I have the presentation at 10, as we know, and no, I'm still not ready. I'm here wasting time.
Second, at 3pm I have a Fire Safety Committee meeting. You see, I am the newly appointed understudy to the Fire Safety Chairperson for my team, which really means if there's a drill or someone burns popcorn in the microwave and our team's spiritual leader is missing, I'm supposed to count heads. This situation is wrong on so many levels. First off, I have no idea how many people are even on my team anymore. I think it's 17 but I could be wrong, plus there's this new guy I keep forgetting about.
I am also one of the people in the building designated to be forevermore certified in CPR and First Aid. I suppose as I'm breathing life into the person who burned the popcorn in the first place I could do a quick roll call.
Punchy. I'm punchy.
Oh yes, and since my Wednesday schedule was derailed by someone's nervous breakdown I'm having my eyebrows waxed tomorrow during lunch. I'm sure you all know why I burst into giggles when I saw it on my schedule.
OW.
J
:: happy hour begins at 11:34 PM [+] ::
...
Boinking the Rich and Famous
Oh my God, you people really have to start listening to Ryan's show. Let's hit the high points, shall we?
Getting the cursory crap out of the way first...
1. Simon picked Carmen because what the hell, nobody left on the couch was going to win anyway. Why not? And yes, he would have picked Fuckwit Cauldwell if Randy hadn't.
2. Simon NOW says Fuckwit Cauldwell will be the highest finishing girl and Clay could win it all.
3. Simon has apparently bought a house; tune in to Extra tomorrow to see it.
4. And I repeat: Simon is not now, nor is he planning to become, engaged to Terri. From Simon himself - AGAIN.
5. Simon said he had never had plastic surgery or Botox injections, though he waffled on the latter a bit.
6. My favorite Ryan line of the night: "Was it your diva fit?" RE: Simon's bad mood and attitude toward the producers this week.
7. "I'm not being rude" count: ONE. I'm not even buzzing.
And now the fun begins! Ryan and Simon's topic du jour: ugly, hopeless people who only get laid because they are rich and famous - who don't realize they are only scoring because of the money and fame. Lots of names are thrown around here, including Fred Durst, Corey Feldman, Randy Jackson (oh yes they did go there) and Michael Jackson.
And then Ryan nominates Simon.
Oh, the horror! Of course, the imaginary Extra correspondent and her hellish voice are present to pipe up and say (off-mic, of course), "I have to think about that" when asked if she would be dating Simon if he weren't rich and famous. I'm sure she was joking, or maybe we're supposed to take that as a joke. I'm personally not convinced she wasn't being sincere. Who can tell with that voice?
Well, of course, I have to defend my man and say NO! I'd still be fawning over him if he weren't rich and famous!
But wait a minute. Would I really? I mean, really?
No, I wouldn't. Why not? Because I don't think poor, obscure Simon would ever have the balls to introduce himself to me, that's why not. I am attracted to Simon mainly because he's a big old mess and I'm a sucker for that sort of thing. (I didn't marry it, but I dated it a lot.) Since we've already had that discussion I won't go into it now, but big old mess penniless unknown Simon living in my hometown would subsist under my radar - which would be quite sad for me. If I had a chance to meet him I'm sure I'd be fawning, but chances are that without the money and the fame I'd have no earthly idea he shared this planet with me.
So I guess the answer here is no, just not for the reasons they gave.
Incidentally, remember Simon saying Kelly LeBroc is his dream girl? Well, in one of the tabloids this week, apparently she is told this and replies, "Who? What does he do? How would I know him?"
Poor Simon.
Gene Simmons ended up being everyone's pick as the man most likely to get laid only for his money and fame without realizing it.
Juliet's favorite Simon word of the evening: "Banging."
And that about says it all, doesn't it?
Kisses!
Juliet, 30 years old for 150 more minutes
:: happy hour begins at 9:34 PM [+] ::
...
A Brief Lapse into Solipsism...
...before I bury myself under these files again...
What a great day! You know, I've been off my stride work-wise for a couple of weeks now as a result of the flu coma, but now I'm back! God, it's nice to have my synapses firing at will again. Just in time, too; I have a presentation tomorrow at 10. Visual aid girl did her thing, I just haven't done mine yet. Hm.
Well, that's what coffee is for. I forgot how good this feels! In my job you'd better move fast and talk faster; I'm going to leap over things I consider self-explanatory and it's up to you to jump with me. If you don't, go ask someone else to explain it to you; I don't have a lot of patience with slow people. (Unless you're new. I'm nice to new people, especially since not everyone in my department is.)
Maybe that's some of Simon's appeal for me. If I actually had to work with him I'd probably slap the living shit out of him because his speech is so slow. Simon exists in some kind of alternate universe from Work Juliet, making him just the perfect escape.
Plus he's hot.
Maybe the reverse of that is why I like West Wing, too; the pacing and wit of the show feel like home to me. Even the characters seem familiar; Josh Lyman's inner Henry Blake matches up well with Boss. Don't tell him I said that, though.
Don't worry, everyone - I'll take a break at 8 for Ryan's show and post my snotty recap ASAP! I'll also try to remember to eat something, but I can't promise that. There's no alarm clock set for dinner ;)
J
:: happy hour begins at 6:20 PM [+] ::
...
